Too Much Mouth, Not Enough Heart For Frank, Team Champagne Athletics, At Barstool Hockeyfest
GREEKTOWN, DETROIT, MI – Last Friday, Barstool along with Spittin Chiclets took over Greektown for the first ever ‘Hockeyfest’. The event was held from Friday-Saturday (August 6th-7th) and featured street and roller hockey team ranging from Division A all the way down to D.
My team, Champagne Athletics, got the opportunity to participate in said tournament after being selected via submission video. If you haven’t been following along, here was my team’s submission.
We got in and selected Street Division B. Now to clarify, “Street” is exactly what you think it is, running around on foot with sticks in-hand whacking around an orange Mylec ball. I am pretty positive that is the only product Mylec ever created. They have the market cornered. Games were two 15-minute halves, running time, with a 3 minute halftime intermission.
Leading up to this shindig, communication was less than ideal. There was a lot of confusion as to when games were, what the set-up was like, who could come, who couldn’t, what hotels were available, etc. So, in the same vein as my over-the-top-cig-smokin-whiskey-chuggin-chirp-fest submission video above, I decided to double down and crawl up their ass about how I thought the lead-up was piss poor.
Now look, I’ll say it right off the rip here- the tournament rocked and was done extremely well. I talked a lot of shit and had a lot of doubt but I’ll be the first one to admit it was a really legitimate and fun event downtown.
Whitter (red) yuckin it up with me (19) and the boys
They had six sizable rinks with boards set up in the parking lots of Firebird and Old Shill with live music, a drinking lounge and a lunch tent. In addition, they gave us jerseys, water bottles, 100 drink tickets, and shot glasses. All the Barstool guys were hanging around- Whitney, Biz, RA, Frankie, Grinelli, Feits, etc. They were out in the open taking pictures with everyone and just yucking it up about hockey, golf, whatever.
Now, with all this being said, this was the most physically demanding event I’ve participated in since exiting the competitive sports world 10+ years ago. Not kidding. We had three games scheduled Friday (8:45am, 2pm, 5pm) and I think the average age of the teams we played were right around 21, while we were closer to 30. It also didn’t help that it was 98 degrees out and the jerseys they gave us were sweaters. Literally the company that makes them is called Men’s League Sweaters. They were sick looking but absolutely nauseating to wear on a steaming hot blacktop where you’re in a never-ending footrace against kids who just got done using fake-ID’s this year.
There were 8 teams in our division, the top 4 in pool play advanced to play Saturday.
Game One: Champagne Athletics: 5, The Grocery Sticks: 7. This was a bunch of MSU Varsity players (fuck us, right?). They moved the ball really well and got out to an early 3-0 lead. We made a strong push at the end and won the second half, and I really think we would have won this game if it was about 5 minutes longer. But it wasn’t. 0-1.
Game Two: Champagne Athletics: 8, Westlake Eagles: 7. Absolute back-and-forth dogfight. We held the lead most the game but could not pull away. This was the most fun game we played. They had one really good player we just had to shut down and were able to successfully do so. Another big advantage here was that the parking lot surfaces we played on varied a lot from game to game. Games 1 and 3 we played on smooth blacktop, game two (which we won) was pure Greektown busted concrete parking lot. I’m talkin broken glass, cigarette butts, used condoms- the works. That definitely played in our favor. Grit > Glam. 1-1.
Game Three: Champagne Athletics: 5, The Sandbaggers: 8. We win this game, we go to the playoffs, we were up 3-2 with about ten second left in the first half and they scored at the buzzer to tie it 3-3 and then really never looked back. We lost this game by 3 goals but in reality we lost it by about 8 years. They were younger, they had the legs, and we didn’t. I was extremely disappointed in myself in this one because I thought I might die just after halftime. I was fighting off puking up Labatts, RBV’s, bar food, you name it. I haven’t hit a physical wall that hard since…ever. There were no fumes to be had. I was toast. I had never felt more 30 in my entire life. I’m still dealing with what feels like an existential crisis and I’m not sure if I can bounce back from it.
That L that sent me into a self-deprecating downward spiral would probably be a blessing in disguise because I am not sure if anyone on team Champagne could have physically picked themselves out of bed the next day let alone played two more scorching street hockey games against kids who have no idea what a VHS is.
A small consolation (aka what losers say) for our extreme disappointment for not winning was that the three teams we played seeded 1-2-3 in the playoffs. With the Sandbaggers (1) winning the whole thing over the West Lake Eagles (3).
Side Notes:
Whitney: Met him, great dude. We talked twice, first time was in the photo above about playing golf with Zach Werenski and Biz. Second time I ran into him at the Sportsbook and he asked how the tourney was going and thanked us for coming out. I asked him if he wanted to play with us during the 5pm game and he said ‘fuck no’.
Biz: Ran into him Thursday night at registration and he was shitfaced with a crowd around him. Seemed like a great guy as well. Both Whit and Biz had to have taken a thousand photos with people, they didn’t turn a single person down.
RA: Didn’t meet him. Some kid told me a story that he smoked with him in his hotel room late night. Guy was a beauty from a distance tho.
Feits: Said what up to us. Friendly
If they bring it back next year, I am honestly not sure I’d play. It was a ton of fun and I’d love to hang downtown and hit the casino/watch hockey but the grind was real (am I a pussy?) It was real as all hell (I might be). Dead sprints in 100 degree weather on pavement in sweaters competing against college kids in the literal prime of their drinking/physical life- tall task.
But hats off to Barstool and the Ontario-based event company they used for supporting Detroit and putting on a great event. PS if anyone from Barstool is reading this can you ask Erica if my poster is still in her office? God I’m so salty. Thanks.
PSS- a BIG thank you to everyone that came out, watched, and supported us. 🍾
– Frank
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