If you haven’t heard already the MLB is marking the weekend of August 26th as “Players Weekend.” It is the first time the league has ever done this.

As a part of this charade to get younger fans involved in the game of baseball the MLB has come out with “Little League inspired” uniforms that will feature player nicknames on the backs of the jerseys. Today, all teams released their jerseys, here are the Tigers:

Before I get into that, let me show you the entire uniform the boys will be wearing in a few weekends:

 

Alright great. Now that you’ve gotten the full look at the nicknames and what they’ll be wearing from head to toe, I can really sink my teeth into this. I look at all this up and down for the first time and my knee jerk reaction to the entire thing was this is really fucking stupid. Then I said come on Frank, take some time to think about it. Don’t be an old man traditionalist all the time. Regather your thoughts, open your mind. So that’s exactly what I did. I spoke to a couple buddies and revisited the entire idea and this is where I landed: this is really fucking stupid. 

From the traffic cone orange coloring and the really shitty Comerica Park Tiger logo to the dog shit nick names and gimmicky jerseys- this old idea blows ass.

The jerseys look like knock off jerseys that are sold on the corner of Brush and Gratiot for 10 dollars after the game. They look like gas station jerseys. They were inspired by Little League jerseys and they kinda look like that with the V-neck and no buttons but I don’t think they needed to go full retard with neon colors, metallic lettering, and alternate logos. Yikes.

I really hate the jersey and you literally have to be on acid to understand the thought process behind the socks. The hat, I’m kinda on the fence about the hat. It has all the elements of things I hate, like it’s neon orange and uses that really shitty Tigers logo, but I don’t know if I’m ready to spit on it quite yet. It’s like half my brain is telling me to burn them all and the other half is going “ahhhhhhhhhh don’t know, I could rock it.”

But let’s move onto the biggest deal in this whole travesty of a weekend- the nicknames on the back. Again, I had the same thought process. I knee jerk called this stupid as fuck and when I cam back and thought about it I realized it’s only stupid as fuck because the Tigers fucking suck. If the Tigers didn’t suck this might be half-ass kinda fun. But unfortunately everyone on the Tigers is 40 and doesn’t give a shit anymore so it’s just kinda weird. Let’s make fun of some nicknames. Here they are again for reference.

Painfully Uncreative: 

Justin Verlander & Jordan Zimmermann

Oh boy. Went with the initials. That should get the kids excited. At least Zimmermann coulda went with “Zimmer” or “Jay-Z” and Verlander could have at least been “Must See JV” or “I Bang Kate Upton On The Reg.” But again, these guys are both like 58-years-old and were probably like just put my fucking initials down and leave me alone.

#1. Nick Castellanos

Nice dude. You went with your fucking first name. Then again, he probably thought this idea was as dumb as I do and just said, my name is Nicholas, go with Nick. Or is he like being clever and saying that’s literally my “Nick” name. My head just exploded.

Poop Sounding Nicknames 

Jim Adduci

“Deuce” is a popular nickname for shit/poop. So that was an easy one.

Anibal Sanchez

What in the FUCK is SANCHIE? That’s really his nickname? Me and my buddies call him Ass-Chez, or Ani-Sack. He should have went with one of those. A “Sanchie” sounds like what I take in the toilet after eating 12 Asian Zing boneless buffalo wings from B-Dubbs. It sounds like a spray painted turd nightmare, which I guess with the season we’re/he is having, that woulda been applicable. He should just been “Dirty Sanchez” and called it a day. It’s fucking shame that this guy gets to wear #19 in this city.

Ones I like

Ian Kinsler 

I don’t get it but I’m sure it’s got great reasoning behind it. I love Ian so he coulda put “Dick Boy” on the back and I woulda probably saluted it.

Andrew Romine 

I like this because I think Romine knows how to make fun of himself. He doesn’t hit bombs. He’s a backup utility player that is just happy to have a spot on an MLB roster. All for Robomb here.

Ones I Really Hate

Jose Iglesias 

I hate it because this nickname is self promoted. It translates into like “little flame” in English. Something along the lines of like what we would call a “spark plug.” Iglesias is all about himself and if you don’t believe me go check out his Instagram. He’s the only one who calls himself that, I’ve never heard anyone in the media or on the team refer to him as “Candelita” and no one ever will.

Michael Fulmer 

I love Fulmer and the guy can really do no wrong in my book but what the fuck is this. What is a “Fulm Piece”? At least go Fulm Daddy or Mikey Fulm$ on their ass. I guess I don’t know what I was expecting but for the best guy on the team I suppose I just wanted a little more. Then again, maybe this is awesome if the Tigers are 15 games over .500 and leading the AL Central. But they’re not. So this sucks and so do all the nicknames. God speed. 🍾

– Frank