Not sure if you guys got the notifications on your phone this morning coming out of the Detroit sports world, but it was overwhelmingly negative, again.

Out of the Tigers’ camp, we found out that slugger and only proven AND consistent All-Star outfielder JD Martinez is going on the 10-day DL to start year for a some fucking shit with his foot, which naturally means he won’t play for a month. The technical term for his injury is a “Lisfranc sprain” but I, nor the 13 people that accidentally stumble onto this article, actually know/care about what that is. So it’s some shit in his foot.

And swinging on over the Pistons, which is something I rarely ever do, we have a…DUI! Yep. This news comes to us this morning after the Pistons had lost 5 straight heading into last night’s dumpster fire matchup with the 16-59 (L.M.A.O.) Brooklyn Nets at the Palace, and managed to squirt out a 90-89 victory in Auburn Hills.

But the Tuesday night PRIOR to the victory the Pistons lost to the Miami Heat and Pistons guard Kentavious Caldwell-Pope was so distraught after the fifth L in row, he decided to have a few cocktails, and got pulled over on suspicion of a DUI.

Now look, the details say the 24-year-old guard admitted to having two Hennessys and water (respect) at a bar in Detroit before coming home. He blew a .098 at the scene and .08 a little later at the police station. And from reading the report, it sounds like they put KCP through the fucking ringer.

• They made him recite the alphabet from the letter B to N, in which police stated he went way passed N.
• They made him count backwards from 86-69, and he skipped a number.
• They also made him do nine “heel-to-toe steps” turn, and complete nine more, which he apparently stopped to reset himself at one point.

Those tests are such fucking bullshit. I just tried to do the B-N ordeal and I just sailed my ass all the way to Z and I’m sober as a bird right now (lame). And with the numbers thing, I can barely count to 10 on a good day, you start tossing in 80’s, 60’s and other black magic shit like that at me I’m going to start asking questions and try to apply P.E.M.D.A.S. to the equation. And the Cross Fit routine they just sprinkled in at the end is just plain cruel. Poor guy. I’m sure he was just fine.

I’m waiting for the day we get some positive news regarding our Detroit athletic heroes, but until then, I guess I’ll just drink Hennessy and work on my ABC’s. 🍾

– Frank