Eat ‘Em Up Tigers: Rating the New Food at Comerica Park
This article is presented by Antonio’s Italian Cucina
Opening Day is upon us and with its arrival comes a new array of food to be featured at Comerica Park for the 2025 season. While many people mock the release of these updated menus each year, I love looking at each food item, knowing full well that I’ll never order any of it and just opt for two hot dogs and like 5 miller lites. Having said that, let’s take a look at what fine culinary treats await us at the ballpark:
“Smashburger”
Rating: 7.5/10
I’m going to stay woke on this: Smashburgers are a bullshit lie peddled to us by Big Burger ™ to convince the average American that less hamburger patty is somehow superior to a normal-sized patty. It’s like labeling smaller candy bars “Fun Size”. Smash burgers are whatever- they’re normally dried out and kind of mid. I remember when Shake Shack was super popular like 10-15 years ago and everyone was like “hell yeah this place was awesome”, and then you paid like $17 for a burger and fries and left the place still feeling hungry. I yearn for the RETVRN of, like, Red Robin sized patties. Also- can we stop calling every sauce on a burger “special sauce”- it’s fucking Big Mac sauce. Let’s just relax. But, whatever. I’d probably still eat this.
“The Reason”
Rating: 8.5/10
First of all, why is this named after a Hoobastank song? Seems like an odd name for a pulled pork sandwich. Regardless, this looks pretty good- nothing too inoffensive or wacky. My main concern lies in the verb “bathed”, in regard to the amount of North Carolina BBQ sauce on this sandwich. Just give me a normal amount of sauce, please. I don’t need my pants covered in white, sticky stuff by the bottom of the third inning- I’m saving that for the first time Skubal tosses a CG shutout.
“Jerk Chicken and Mango”
Rating: 5/10
Nothing against jerk chicken, but I feel like they really fucked up here by oven roasting it. I have a feeling that this will be dried out and disgusting by the time people actually start ordering it, and the whole “no sugar added bbq sauce” is probably just a way to cover up how dry it actually is. Why not barbecue this and serve it with a jerk style bbq sauce? I feel like they’re trying to market this as some pseudo-healthy alternative to most food at Comerica Park, but you could’ve served this over rice and put beans or something on the side and it would’ve been “healthy enough”. Oh! And this should come with a Red Stripe. It’s only proper.
“The Yardbird”
Rating: 8/10
Similarly to the pulled pork sandwich, there’s nothing here that I find too offensive or gross. Any type of smoked meat sandwich is going to be good, and it wouldn’t feel gratuitous or slutty or anything like that to order it at a ballgame. I’m not sure why this comes with honey mustard AND bbq sauce- I feel like one or the other would be just fine. So it loses half a point for that, compared to the pulled pork sandwich. But, the bacon is a plus. This probably goes great with a 14$ craft beer, so, hey. Have a party.
“Spicy Falafel”
Rating: 7/10
I think someone in the Breadless section fucked up and ordered too much Swiss Chard or something, because here we have yet another sandwich wrapped in it. This one at least is pretty committed to what it’s trying to be: a vegetarian option at the ballpark. And for that, I respect it more than the Jerk chicken option. I’m big on any sort of spicy sauce, and coupled with the pickled turnips and arabic pickles, I feel like this could be a winner.
“Put Me in Coach”
Rating: 8/10
Again, why the fuck are bathing our meat? Did the marketing person at Slows just discover the word “bathing” and decided to go to town on it? Whatever. It’s a brisket sandwich, and brisket is the GOAT of barbecued meats. As long as they don’t cook the shit out of it and it ends up drier than a White Sox hitting streak, this should be pretty good. Would eat.
“Chickpea Power Bowl”
Rating: 3/10
Baseball is a funny sport. On one hand, you have people who sit in the LF seats, roll their Verlander shirt jersey up to their shoulders, and do the 9/9/9 challenge- putting their body through the absolute ringer for 2+ hours. On the other hand, you have people who order shit like this- the same people who probably eat it with white gloves while they sit in their air conditioned 1901 club seats and laugh at the poors. On principle alone, I cannot rank something highly that comes in a “bowl” form- it’s a baseball game for Christ’s sake. Even the ice cream is served in a fun little helmet instead of a bowl. If you see someone eating this, you should be allowed to smack it out of their hand and order them a hot dog or something normal instead.
“Motor City Melt”
Rating: 1.5/10
On the opposite end of the spectrum from the “Chickpea Power Bowl” is this abomination. And look, in any normal setting, this would be one of those things that you order with an extreme sense of shame, or you’re just doing it to be “ironic”, and “hahah could you imagine if I ate this whole thing, wouldn’t that be so funny and gross lol” and then the next thing you know you’re sweating and breathing heavily as your LDL ticks up five points per half of sandwich. But what makes this particularly disgusting is the thought of eating this behemoth when it’s 95 degrees out plus humidity, as you baste in the Michigan sun. Wash this shit down with two or three lukewarm Two-Hearted Ales and try not to puke.
“Southwest Rice Bowl”
Rating: 6.5/10
Again, I’m not eating anything out of a bowl at a baseball game: sandwiches and finger food only. But, if you’re trying to be somewhat conscious of not being a disgusting, fat, piece of shit, because your best friend just lit up a cigarette after eating the Motor City Melt, this seems like a decent enough “healthy option”. Idk though, this seems like something that you make for meal prep for the upcoming week. It also says “caramelized onions” but that picture clearly just has raw red onion, which is pretty lazy in my opinion. Coupled with the “garlic crema”, your significant other could be in for a rough ride if you’re trying to make out with them on the kiss cam or hookup in your hotel room at the casino after the game.
So, there you have it. I’m sure there are dessert options somewhere, but let’s be honest, those are all probably “good”- so I’m not going to waste time rating them. If you have any first-hand experience with these items on opening day or the games that follow, drop a comment giving us your honest opinion of them.
