Alright team I’m shooting from the hip here. Real knee-jerk post to warm you up before you booze yourself into oblivion and dump a pitcher of Coors Light all over your new Levi’s tonight in celebration of America’s biggest bar night.

But right now, I’m at work. Why am I at work at a 6:22pm the night before Thanksgiving? I don’t know, maybe I’m a slave to the system. Maybe I’m a little bitch who can’t take a stand and walk out whenever he damn well pleases. MAYBE I was too much of a pussy to tell my boss “NO! I’m NOT working PASSED FIVE the night before Thanksgiving!” But whatever the case is, I’m still here, and I’m clearly not doing much because it’s the night before Thanksgiving and no one does anything at work the night before Thanksgiving, ESPECIALLY not after 5pm.

Wow. Someone (me) clearly has some deeper issues he needs to deal with. But enough of all that. In my imminent boredom I did what I normally do and went to ESPN and started dicking around. I read some bullshit on Golden Tate having to wear a Miami Hurricanes jersey because he lost a bet with The Rock over the Notre Dame-University of Miami game, and from there I stumbled my way onto the ESPN NHL Power Rankings, and let me tell you what I found. I found this headline.

Power Rankings: Best superhero (and some villains!) for all 31 teams

Now, would you think that is an ESPN headline? Or something you’d find on BuzzFeed? How about Pinterest or something fruity like that? This might sound absolutely insane to any of you whippersnappers out there but ESPN used to have mildly decent hockey coverage, hell when I was your age ESPN used to air hockey games on their channel(!!). But now, sadly, all they can muster up is dumpster fire, click-bait, corny bullshit where they take professional hockey teams and compare them to made up fantasy land characters because they are so desperate for site visits they hope maybe some teenage girls might click to tell their high school boyfriend they read an “article” comparing the Nashville Predators to Deadpool, and they’ve seen Deadpool and think Ryan Reynolds is hot so therefore they love hockey. So while you’re here let’s check out what they had to say about the Wings.

What IN THE FUCK did I just read? Is that serious? Is that a serious attempt at humor? Or like a jab at the team? WHAT IS THAT? What are you going for? So we’re DC Comic’s character the The Flash because we skate well and that our playoff hopes will “eventually” be gone quickly? Let’s take a quick peek at what the word “eventually” means: