**I would like to start off this article by stating that I hope everything I wrote in here is completely wrong and I truly hope in my heart of hearts that the Tigers can somehow pull their heads out of their metaphorical asses and actually play like the team they are supposed to be and shut me the fuck up. Please shut me the fuck up Tigers. Shut my stupid little mouth right the fuck up. Thank you, you may continue onto the article now.**

So a little over two weeks ago my buddy (*using an over-the-top Italian accent*) Joey wrote a little piece on how we need to stay calm watching these Tigers. He said we shouldn’t get too worked up when they aren’t playing as well as we think they should. The division is not very good, we have a solid lineup, and it’s early in the season. I edited that article and agreed with every single word of it. In addition, I truly believed at the very beginning of the season this team could win the division and compete for a World Series.

Well I want everyone to take those sentiments, dowse them in gasoline, spark up a Marlboro Red and toss it right onto them and watch my early season hopes, dreams, beliefs, and predictions go up in FLAMES.

But why Frank? Why now? Only 52 games into the season?!? The boys are only 4 back of .500 AND the division!

Because watching last night’s game almost gave me a full blown brain aneurism and sparked a 2-hour long roast in my group chat about how the Tigers window for winning a World Series is completely fucking closed, nailed down, boarded up, and bricked over.

Last night Detroit took on last place Kansas City with our ace (and recently self-declared biggest fan and unconventional supporter of Champagne Athletics) Justin Verlander, going against a 24-year-old malnourished-looking penis named Eric Skoglund making his MAJOR LEAGUE DEBUT.

That’s him. He’s skinnier than Gollum and as tall as Grant Hill. He gave up 2 hits, 1 walk, and struck out 5 in 6.1 innings pitched… and did it all in 90 pitches. When he was taken out of the game early in the 6th, it seemed to be a ray of hope that maybe the Tigers could hit the bullpen. Nope. Moylan came in and tossed 6 pitches to our 5 and 6 hitters and struck them both out on three pitches.

The Tigers would go on to lose the game 1-0, getting shut out for the third time on this road trip, the second time by a pitcher making his Major League debut. Once again JV tossed a gem. Once again we gave him literally 0 run support. And once again…we lost.

The Detroit Tigers. Once young, healthy, and primed to contend as the MLB’s best are currently sitting 4 under .500 and just trotted out a lineup featuring Dixon Machado leading off, some dude named Hicks catching, and saw Mikie Mahtook make a pinch hit appearance. The lineup still has some of the big names that got us to the World Series in 2012, and helped us contend in 2013 with Miggy, JV, and Victor. The only difference now is four years of age coupled with Red Wings like contracts for underperforming players and a completely bombed out and depleted farm system has the Tigers staring down a dark tunnel with absolutely no light at the end of it.

It’s time to blow it up. It hurts like hell for me to say that, but how many big, bad contracts are we going to sign before we completely run out of money only to finish third in the Wild Card or to get smoked in the ALDS?

This is sounding ODDLY familiar to the Red Wings, eh?

Trust me, I despise it too. I would absolutely hate to see Miggy and/or JV leave Detroit after multiple MVP’s, Cy Youngs, a Triple Crown etc. etc. and not get their World Series in Detroit. To have the statues of them erected at Comerica Park with the glaring resume flaw of being World Series barren in Detroit would suck more ass than the Tigers bullpen already does currently. But right now the Detroit Tigers have two options, blow it up and rebuild the team around Fulmer and pray for the future, or close their eyes and pray everyone they signed for too much money for too long (Zimmerman, Victor, Upton) wakes up and starts slapping teams around. But we have tried this theory for roughly three seasons now and what have we gotten?

Everyone can remain calm, however. This blow up I speak up will not happen. The Central is so bad that the Tigers will hang around juuuuusssssttttt close enough to tickle everyone’s sack into thinking they can make a run. Additionally, these big names are what sell tickets and they still have a business to run. The big names may sell tickets, but they don’t produce runs, and this team is just flat out BORING to watch. #EatBlowEmUp 🍾

– Frank

PS- Don’t forget I reaaaaallllyyyy want them to shut me the fuck up.