I don’t know if I’m just getting older, getting lame, or flat out just suck- but I don’t remember being this physically exhausted from watching sports for an extended period of time. Maybe it’s all the gambling, maybe it’s all the losing, maybe it’s the 40 beers and 4 Taco Bell runs I’ve made throughout the last weekend, but either way- I’m dead.

Last night I was laying on my bedroom floor moaning to the sky struggling to watch my way through OSU/Oregon. Now sure, like I said the day before consisted of a handful of crispy boys and a 12:30am Taco Bell *cough*delivery*cough* that I thought was going to kill me- but honestly, what gives? Why have I gone so soft? I don’t remember watching this much of the tournament, even when I was young buck in East Lansing and State was making run after run to the Final Four. I haven’t watched this much hoops since the Pistons were winning the East every single year.

Now sure, things have changed, back then I was a 18-to-22-year-old who could do shit like “go on runs to sweat out a hangover” now it’s more along the lines of “try not to cry on the toilet around 6pm on Sunday.” Also, I really didn’t bet on sports in college. Weird, I know. But I used to have to old my breath every time I bought a Gatorade from CVS in hopes the card would go through, so I really didn’t have any business throwing cheese on the over of a Liberty/Virginia Tech Over.

My head has been spinning with who I have action on, what I’m rooting for, what’s going on in my bracket, and my survivor. I’m losing grip on simple addition. There was like 5 times I caught myself trying to figure out if I was on pace or completely fucked on hitting my over. I feel like I’m in some sort of simulation. All the teams are starting to look the same and I have memorized every single advertisement they have fed me, with Orange Vanilla Coke leading the way. I was singing it throughout the house to the point that my fiancé had to tell me to shut the fuck up. Seriously, she looked me dead in the eye and said “you need to stop singing that fucking song.”

What I’m most ashamed of is that they got me. Orange Vanilla Coke got me so good I had to try the mother fucker. Shocker- it tastes like ass. And not in a good “I eat ass” kinda way that all the kids are raving about. It tastes like shit. Poop if you will. My one buddy summed it up perfectly after trying it saying “I feel like white trash when I drink that.”

When I was in 5th grade I loved Vanilla Coke. I don’t think I’ve had one since, but trying that Orange Vanilla Coke on Thursday I just found myself saying “I think this would be good if it just didn’t have Orange in it.” Kudos to you Coke, you got four skins out of me with your relentless pursuit of advertising and now have me writing about it. Great work. Honestly.

I want to just get back to basics and root for State to win the National Championship. No betting, no bracket panic, no orange vanilla fucking coke. But who am I kidding I’m already looking at lines and there is definitely still some OVC in the fridge.

Did I just give that piss serum a nickname? I need to go outside and/or eat a salad. 🍾

– Frank