Whomds’t remembers this?

I do. Clear as day. It was 7 years ago to the DATE. I remember exactly where I was. I was at my sister’s house, alone, eating a turkey sandwich. I wasn’t completely alone- their dog was there. So it was me, the dog, a turkey sandwich, and unbeknownst to me at the time… heartbreak. I left my summer job that day and my Dad called me and said “get to a TV as quick as you can, something special is happening with the Tigers.” That’s all he said. Well he might have yelled at me for something in addition to telling me that, but the Tigers game part is all I can remember.

So I raced over to my sister’s house because she was closest to me and flipped it on, and that’s when I saw it….Armando Galarraga hitless, walk-less, error-less, baserunner-less, and everything else-less through 6. He was throwing a Perfect Game. No Tiger in the history of Tigers has ever done this, and for it to be happening with the relatively irrelevant Galarraga was even more of a shock.

The game cruised on with an eerily simple ease to it. Armando had very little trouble cruising through this Cleveland offense. Through seven. Perfect. Through eight. PERFECT.

Ninth inning, one out, two outs. He was on cruise control. All we needed for the 27th out of the game was to knock out Jason Donald. Who is Jason Donald you ask? He’s a perennial Sport Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit answer. He is the guy who got the infamous phantom “hit” against Armando Galarraga in the 9th inning of his almost perfect game. Nothing more, nothing less.

We all saw the play, he ran hard, the play realistically WASN’T close in terms of plays at first in baseball, he was called safe. Miggy freaked out. Armando smirked. And I threw up my entire turkey sandwich on my sisters carpet and then that dog I was telling you about started to eat the puke. Then he puked. It was a mess.

And all across Metro Detroit and Tigers Nation everyone was puking. If you listen closely, when Rod Allen exasperates “JIM JOYCE NO!” you can hear him throw up in his own mouth a little bit.

And that brings me to the meat of this article. Jim Joyce. Jim Fucking Joyce. That handle bar mustache wheeling, olde tyme baseball, racist-looking mother fucker who completely blew the call at first base this beautiful spring afternoon.

I am going to talk about this event like it was yesterday because I remember it like it was yesterday. What in the fucking-Sam-Hill-perfect-game-destroying-demon-devil-fuck were you thinking? Let’s just think of the situation: It’s a 3-0 game. There are two outs in the ninth of a game in which a professional athlete is on the cusp of completing the hardest thing to do in a single game for his position, a feat SO rare, no one in the Tigers organization has EVER done it. And only 23 people in the ENTIRE WORLD have ever done it in the MLB. Let that SINK right the FUCK in.

Before that at bat even starts, the first base umpire should have in his head- “If it’s even remotely close, I’m leaning out.” Because- that’s what you do. It was roughly game 55 of the season at the time, the Tigers had a comfortable lead, and if you get it wrong the other way (calls him out on a play he was safe) no one is really that pissed off. But no, he calls him safe, Armando is perfect no more, and then he gets the next guy for the infamous 28 Out Perfect Game. (This is before the MLB implemented replay).

This (rightfully so) caused an absolute firestorm across the baseball world, which ultimately lead to one of the most ridiculous moments in Tigers history. The next day, Jim Joyce was the home plate umpire, and Armando brought him the scorecard as an act of forgiveness for destroying the one thing he worked his entire career to achieve. Jim Joyce cried, Armando was understanding, and the buzz phrase across all sports media everywhere was “This is good for baseball.” Take a look at this ridiculous patty cake charade they do:

Okay seriously if you didn’t watch the video please go back and watch it. It’s like a minute long. At the 18 second mark, it is absolutely CRINGEWORTHY listening to Rod trying to describe what this situation is like “Ohhhh this is soooooo….Amazing, AMAZING!” Like he caught himself thinking “This is so fucking stupid” to the point where he almost said it and had to cover up with saying “Amazing” twice and with more gusto. They call him a man, and say how great it is but in reality it’s just circus. And just for a little extra kick in the nuts, when Jim Joyce’s name is announced, there is a definite undercurrent of boo’s that dominate the sound waves. Because Tigers fan realistically just wanted a perfect game more than they could ever have wanted your tears, Jim.

Do I feel bad for Jim Joyce? No. I honestly don’t. Call me an asshole, call me unforgiving.

You never made a mistake in your life Frank! 

Yes. I have. Millions. I’m a walking talking mistake. But that’s not changing my mind on Jim Joyce. I don’t forgive you. This wasn’t “good for baseball.” A Perfect Game is good for baseball. Not mistakes, tears, and hugs.

In addition, Jim Joyce was born and raised in Ohio. The game was against Cleveland.

Stay Woke.

#EatEmUp 🍾