In the words of ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu- “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Now, this Longneck season has not been what we originally anticipated when we put together what we thought was an elite Metro-Detroit men’s league hockey team. Last year, during the 2017-2018 season, we finished in 3rd (out of 12) with championship hopes, dreams, and beliefs. Due to unfortunate scheduling and untimely injuries, the Longnecks lost round one to a bunch of upstart white trash losers.

We thought the loss would only fuel our fire for the 2018-2019 season, leading us to endless amounts of wins and destine us for success. Instead, we lost two of our best players (one to a job relocation and the other to lack of heart), and we all must have aged about 10 years in the passed one year because we fucking suck. No other way to put it when you’re 3-10-2, 15 games into the season.

But with new years comes new beginnings. And new beginnings start with new attitudes. And new attitudes form due to renewed motivation. And that’s what we saw last night as the Longnecks overcame a 2-0 first period deficit to win 5-3 over the Mustangs (one of the shittier teams in the league).

Down 2-0 early, it seemed this was another Neck-like Thursday night where the boys would give up the early lead, fight to come back, but fall short. But there was something different in the air last night. The second period started, and it was clear the tidal wave of big mo’ had switched sides, and the ice was tilted heavily in the Longnecks favor.

Hoon opened the scoring with a very uncharacteristic GRITTY goal. Just an absolute garbage clean up job to make the game 2-1. Hoon is the kinda guy who scores with his hands, hasn’t backchecked since the late 90’s, and probably uses coco butter lotion daily during the winter months. So to see him gutting it out on both ends of the ice last night was an inspiring performance for the whole team, Hoon’s best game of the season by far last night.

After getting the first goal in, the onslaught was on. A mad scramble a few minutes later resulting in a wonky shot from Man Hands that went off the ass of Mistrial to make the game 2-2. When I asked Mistrial if he got a piece of it he promptly responded “It hit my ass and went in. That’s kind of where I’m at these days,” which is a quote I can relate to in so many aspects of life. It was refreshing to hear.

Continuing our onslaught, a shot from the point from a sub, who is pretty much a full time Neck at this point, found the back of the net. 3-2 Necks.

Late in the 2nd period, the Necks got called for two penalties at once. Which is absolutely unheard of in beer league hockey. We got called for one, then during the delay Animal House slashed some poor bastard on the Mustangs. For a full 2 minutes, the Necks were on the 5 on 3 kill. But this is the 2019 Necks, 2018 is far behind us, so you can bet your sweet ass we killed that bitch off.

But the deed was far from over. In the third period the Necks did their usual “we have a lead so I’m sure it will be fine” routine and took the pressure down a couple notches. This opened the door for the Mustangs to come down on a two on two and score a goal on some crazy-shitty backhand that Goalie swears was tipped but no one really believes him. He’s had better nights. 3-3.

The game at this point was back and fourth, a real barn burner. Both team getting good chances on both ends of the ice. But while the Mustangs efforts, while valiant, was no match for a long time Neck who got the eye of the Neck, and decided losing…nor overtime, was an option.

It was his Lord and Savior Cheesus Christ. Formerly known as Ha-ppy, and formerly-formerly know as Death Threat. Today and moving forward, he will be affectionately known as Cheesus Christ. 

Cheesus played hard, he played fast, he played strong. Doubling down as a rotating center for the evening, he logged some of the most ice time of anyone out there…something I do not believe I could physically do. And even though there was added ice time, the fatigue did not show. As with a little over two minutes left in the third, God looked down at Hazel Park ice arena and gave us his only son. The son of God, the son of man, the lamb of god, who takes away the sins of the world- Cheesus…. Cheesus Christ. With the power of the almighty lord forever and ever Cheesus willed his way to a rebound goal that would put the Necks up 4-3 late. But Cheesus’s miracles did not stop there. Another penalty would be called on the Necks, for a very very weak trip call. It was dogshit. But nonetheless, Cheesus did not sneezus at the opportunity to showcase his heroics. With the puck in the Necks zone, and the Mustangs controlling the play, Cheesus blocked a shot from the point…and like Jesus escaping the cave he was locked in, Cheesus escaped the zone with the puck, literally walking (skating) on (frozen) water, and found the back of the empty to seal the Mustangs losing fate, and secure the Longnecks 4th win of the season and first of 2019. Glory to the powers that be. Hosannah in the highest.

After the game, I presented the game puck to Cheesus like the body and blood, blessed him with Holy Labatt Blue… that he proceeded to chug, then we all showered.

Last night’s game was how we intended every game should go. It was beautiful. It was glorious. It was biblical.

Game Notes:

• Frank wore a really stupid turtleneck for the game. It was embarrassing. Animal House kept asking him if it was a Christmas present.
•  With 1:16 left in the game, the Longnecks used a timeout, during the timeout Goalie came up to Frank and began explaining how the third goal went in. Noting that it was tipped. It was an unprecedented conversation to have at that moment in time.
• Frank’s turtleneck was not a Christmas present
• Asian, Mistrial, Animal House, and Frank attended the bar after the game. It was karaoke night. There was a performance that was earth shattering that will be shared at a later time. Stay tuned.
• Cheesus showered
• Frank feels obligated to wear the turtleneck every game until the team loses now
• Cheesus earned the game puck

#championshiporbust #SYNO 🦒 🍾

– Frank