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Now I realize what I have done, I have asked you to root for and support a team you don’t know at all. You only know me and I am far from a good reason to follow a hockey team, especially this Longnecks team. And the reason for that is because if I didn’t design the team’s jerseys I probably would not even be on this team. My skill has diminished over the years. I used to have a lot of confidence in my hockey playing ability, in fact, I used to be so in shape and so confident playing hockey that I would smoke Marlboro Reds on the ice during games back in high school.

But those days have quickly faded, and I bring much more to the table in the field of jersey design, than I do hockey playing ability. Speaking of jersey design, we finally got ours in from the slackers at Dee’s, (a week late). Take a look at these bad boys.

Them some hot boi’s. But none of this is why you came here, you came here to meet the team, and I intend on introducing you. Now, I will not give any of these players names (besides myself) because I’m guessing they don’t want to be associated with this shitty blog whatsoever. Totally fair. But I will list their number and give them a nickname. Let’s start with our outstanding D core.

Defense wins championships. And it’s where I always try an start when building a men’s league dynasty. #championshiporbust

Defense:

#5 – Cornerstone: #5 is an absolute for the boys guy. He’s always down to crush beers, hit the scene, throw some sheets, chase some chicks, or yell about things just because it’s fun to do. He’s a good guy. Always sticking his Neck out, and he’s the most all around defenseman we have on the squad. He’s rarely ever beaten, rushes the puck with confidence, and creates a lot of offense from the point. #5 is an essential piece to the championship puzzle.

#4 – Assassins Creed: I call him assassins creed because I’m pretty positive he’s killed more than a few people in his day. And he did it with his bare hands. It was quick, painless, and silent. This guy knows how to kill a 16-point buck with a blow dart then turn said deer into his lunch for the next week using only two stones and a water bottle of his own piss. He’s a true stay at home defenseman, he doesn’t say much, but you know that he only wants whats best for the team.

#22 – Heist: Another true stay at home defenseman here, Heist could be described as a firebrand. He always has a lot of energy and has a knack for playing sound defense, and taking the puck away from his opponents. He’s all in for the Necks and yearns to be a part of a championship team.

#7 – Man Hands: We’re calling #7 Man Hands because this guy is a true man’s man. A real dude’s dude. He skates 8 times a week, works hard, and just loves the game. He also knows how to re-caulk your bathroom, drywall your master, or even water proof your basement…allst while crushing Blue heavies along the way.  I’m a pussy-boy, #7 is a DICK-MAN. He is normally back on D but has the butter soft hands to play forward as well. Also, he’s never taken a slapshot lower than 5 feet off the ground.

Forwards

#23 – Asian: We’re calling #23 Asian because he’s Asian. He’s the only Asian guy on the team and the only Asian friend I have. He’s been Asian since I’ve known him and I’m pretty sure he’s going to continue to be Asian for the foreseeable future. Asian and I relate a lot of the topic of having been good in the past, but realizing we are only on the team due to our out of the locker room presence. He scored in game one, and embarrassingly celly’d way too hard

#91 – Death Threat: He doesn’t have time for you or any of your bullshit. Get out of his way right now. I have been playing with Death Threat since we were 6 years old, no exaggeration. We played together in grade school and separated in high school, we were reunited in college and that’s when I got to see is wrath unleashed. If you cross DT at the wrong time, you will get slew footed. I’ve seen him kick someones skate clean off in a game before. Not many players turn to the slew foot anymore, but it’s a staple in Death Threat’s game that I honestly hope never dies. Death Threat refuses to shower with us after the games, which secretly (now publicly) bums us all out. But like I said…he’s got no time for bullshit. Especially naked shower time bullshit.

#26 – Mistrial: #26 is a lawyer. By law. He’s also a centerpiece to our collection of Necks we have here. By definition a mistrial is when there is an invalid trial, caused by fundamental error. When a mistrial is declared, the trial must start again with the selection of a new jury. And that’s what this grinder does, he fucks everything up for the other team. They come in with a plan or a strategy, and 2-6 always finds a way to throw a monkey wrench into their game every time he steps onto the ice.

#92 – Mr. Hustle: Easy one here. I played with #92 in high school, I was a year older than him and in my senior year (his junior year) we both won the Mr. Hustle award, the only difference was…THEY NAMED THE AWARD AFTER HIM. So as a senior, I had to accept the “#92” Mr. Hustle Award at my high school, next to #92. The worst part? When I came back for an alumni game years later, the award was on display in the locker room and it had all the past winners names engraved on it, but in 2009 it had one name, and it was #92’s. I was no where to be found. I guess I got out hustled. Guy doesn’t know how to stop.

#6 – Hoon: He calls cigarettes hoons, and it’s the greatest thing ever. I don’t think either of us even like smoking cigarettes, but for whatever reason when we get a few tallboi’s in us we feel the need to buy a rouge pack of hoons and start huckin’ them. We huck hoons. Hoon has great hands and I haven’t seen him backcheck or break a sweat since I’ve started playing with him. But he’s a true Neck and he’s about 7 feet tall which I’m assuming he enjoys.

#3 – Animal House: #3 is the kind of guy who calls me a coward and/or a pussy every day we’ve spoken to each other. He’s always got like 2 bills of sports gambling action riding on either NFL football, women’s tennis, or the Olympics- he’s got heat on someone. He rarely comes out of a weekend without a fairly serious injury and I’ve seen him bleed from his own eyes on more than one occasion. He’s a good hockey player and an even better drinking buddy.

#14 – Muskie: If you don’t know what a Muskie is, it’s a big scary-ass fresh water fish. Muskies are ambush predators who will swiftly bite their prey and then swallow it head first. That’s how I would describe #14. He’s the most skilled forward on the team. He’s got a slap shot that will make you shit your shorts/cream your jeans depending on which side of the ice you’re lining up on. And he’s got forearms bigger than two foot long Subway meatball marinaras. He doesn’t care how cute your dog it nor does he give a shit that your back is bothering you. There’s a hockey game to be won. He played 3 games last year on a partially torn MCL before he got it actually checked out.

#10 – Vulture: Vulture is a roommate of Muskies and where you find one you will almost certainly find the other. We’re calling him Vulture because while he doesn’t look like a killer, he is a bird of prey. He is sneaky good and can sneaky kill you if you play against him…not as a menacing force, but with his skill, touch, and decision making. He is hard to get the puck from and consistently makes the right decision. Plus I thought the combo of Muskie and Vulture sounded kinda cool.

#19 – Frank: We’re calling #19 Frank because it is me, Frank. I am the idiot writing this right now. I have absolutely zero soft skills. My hands are my worst enemy. I can put some bursts of speed together, but not on every shift. I am promising you right here, right now, I WILL have THE MOST breakaways on the team this year, as I do every year. The only issue is that I score on roughly 2% of them. The team gets a big kick out of it when I miss, and I secretly want to die inside as I pretend to laugh it off. I’m also good for a puck/stick to the face once a year. My nickname on my peewee hockey team was the Junkyard Dog, because the only goals I score are absolute grind line garbage clean up around the net. I have no shame in my game.

Real photo from 2016 after taking a puck to the mouth

#30 – Goalie: #30 is being called goalie because he is the goalie. I’ve hung out with this kid and have his phone number and shit, but I honestly don’t know his last name. He’s in my phone as Goalie. We’ve been friends for a few years and he seems nice but he’s just a goalie. I hope he stops the puck at a consistent rate.

So there you have it. A little over 1,500 words detailing every player on the team. Pick your favorite, and I will be sure to keep you in the loop throughout this entire Longneck journey. Right now we are 0-1 and play tomorrow night at 10pm vs an old rival- The Whalers. #SYNO 🍾

– Frank