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Sure, the Detroit Red Wings have owned Detroit’s hockey heart for a little over 90 years now. And yeah they’ve won Stanley Cups and didn’t miss the playoffs for like 25 years there for a minute. They’ve had names like Yzerman, Lidstrom, Federov, Shanahan, Howe, Lindsay, Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Hasek, Chelios, Hull, and Robitaille all don the Winged Wheel at one point. So sure, I’ll give them the nod at being the number one and most exciting hockey team to root for out of Detroit. I concede.

But what I am here to tell you today is that you have options. Because today I present to you the second best (Metro) Detroit based hockey since the Vipers were slithering around the palace…and we are…The Longnecks.

Now, for the loyal fans and day 1-er’s out there, you know I used to rant to you guys in the morning more often, and plenty of times during those rants I would give ya’ll an update on my men’s league hockey team. Well today I am here to say you no longer need to wait for those updates, as we are going to be following my teams journey from day one, until our eventual championship.

Team History: I used to live in Chicago. For two wild-ass, completely blurry years, I lived in the Windy City right out of college. It was essentially an extension of college with a paycheck. But when I returned home to Detroit I needed to join a hockey team, and so I did. I (unknowingly) joined the worst assembly of a hockey team you could ever be a part of. The kind of team that made you want to blast your own head off. The kind of team that had you questioning why you even took the time out of your evening to show up to the games. It was one of those teams where maybe 8 guys would show up and of those 8 guys only 5 could skate backwards. And the league we’re in- boy it’s a good one. And the worst part about this? My good buddies were on another team. With sick jerseys. Smiling. Winning consistently. And drinking beer while doing all of it. I was jealous.

In this league, no matter how shit-ass your team is, you make the playoffs. And in this situation with us being a very low seed, and my friends team being a very high seed, we matched up in round one of the playoffs. Now, knowing both team’s track record if you were a gambling man my dumpsterfire of a team would have came in at +800 odds to win the game, but what would happen that night would be a moment that changed the course of history. My shit team, powered behind the off a very bad off night for the opposing team’s goalie, was able to score four third period goals and pull off a miracle victory. With a final of 8-5 or some shit like that. The goalie they had was a sub and he just played like dog shit. My team was promptly eliminated the next game.

But pretty much from there to make a long story short my buddies from that team got together with the buddies from my shit-ass team and we formed a dope-ass team: The Longnecks. Why the Longnecks? Because the neck is one of the most vital body parts any living creature can have, it controls the head. And it’s said:

“The longer the neck an animal has, the more powerful its existence.” ~ Confucius 

And when we started this team, we didn’t fuck around. We made logos, we made jerseys, we got sponsors, and we found some of the best players Metro-Detroit had to offer. Just take a look at our god damn branding.

This is our main logo. And if you don’t like it you’re just an idiot. In addition to the logo, check out our over the top embroidered jerseys we ordered.

Our Mantra. You may have noticed a black patch on the sleeve, let’s take a closer look at what that patch reads.

It says SYNO. And if you haven’t already figured out what it stands for it stands for Stick Your Neck Out. Sticking your neck out is something you have to do if you want to be a member of the ‘Necks. It’s our religion. And if you can’t stand up for the person next to you and give it 110% on the ice, in the locker room/shower every single week- you’re useless to what we’re trying to build here.

This year is Necks Year. Last year, we were a high seed that ran into injury trouble come playoffs and we lost to an upstart hick-ass, hole-in-the-wall, bar team on a last second goal in the first round. Unacceptable. This year, it’s #championshiporbust, anything short of a league championship is a failure. So I encourage you to follow our journey, root for the Necks, and support the empire we’re building here.

Tonight is opening night. 9pm vs a team called The 300 Footers. Our goal is to mercy them. Thanks for listening. #SYNO 🍾

– Frank