Fuck. Right. Off.

That’s exactly what I told my high school buddy when he showed me this parlay he locked-in all the way back March of 2017 that featured 16-teams/events/occurrences. A five dollar bet to win $4,778.73. When he showed me the bet slip, he only needed one more team to hit- an Alabama National Championship, which came through in dramatic fashion on Monday night.

I can barely get the Lions to cover the spread in a single game let alone concoct a 16-team Frankenstein parlay that spans over 11 months and features multiple sports in addition to politics. WHAT THE FUCK. Here’s another look at this disgusting stroke of fate.

I know it’s not the best picture but it’s a shady website’s betting slip that has been screen-shotted about 20 times over so just fucking zoom in and deal with it. Besides I’m about to break down some of the highlights of this bad boy.

This bet slip is proof that Jesus himself was a sports gambler. That is the only way I can explain a five dollar dick toss hitting almost a year later for nearly five g’s.

There were only TWO bets of this entire diabolical sick-fuck-gambling-addicted-orgy that were actually NOT favored to hit. And the way they hit prove that this bet was sent down from our lord and savior himself.

The two bets not favored in this one was Alabama winning the Natty Ship at +330…which had two insane scares of not hitting. Not only did Bama back into the final four over Ohio State (which many believed they should not have), they also won the whole damn thing as the number four seed after trailing in the championship 13-0 and then 20-3. AND to cap it all off it was the FINAL BET in this entire fiasco.

Then the other one on here that was most likely going to screw the pooch was Dustin Johnson winning the US Masters at +510. To be honest with you I don’t even get why my buddy put this one in here. He has absolute grand slam bets up and down this mother fucker (Trump still president -505, No Triple Crown Winner -850) then he decides to scream “YOLO” to the sky and tosses in an absolute hail mary into the mix. But with a key member of the Holy Trinity guiding this bet, this bet could not fail. And alas, by the grace of god, Dustin Johnson sends himself down a flight of wooden stairs which cause him to injure his back, thus deeming him unable to compete in the Tradition Unlike Any Other for 2017.

This is the kind of bet that keeps betters hopes alive. This is the stuff you play for. Sure, you could lose 92 straight bets in a row betting on moneyline NHL coin flips for 18 consecutive nights, ultimately throwing you into overwhelming debt and crippling anxiety. But you keep plugging away, because the pot of gold at the end of nightmarish rainbow could-possibly-maybe-but-probably-won’t-be hitting an insane five dollar 11 month long parlay that lands you five grand, making every shitty luck sports bet you ever took worth it. That’s the sickness of we the sports gamblers.

So for all you hail mary hopefuls out there- keep plugging away, because you never know when a team might back there way into the playoffs, upset two teams and win the National Championship after trailing by 13 at half with a backup Hawaiian quarterback in who no has ever heard of in addition to Dustin Johnson tumbling down a set of stairs the night before he tees off again….then add 14 other bets onto that and you have your pot of gold. So…keep pushing. #action 🍾

– Frank

Buy some shit: http://champagneathletics.bigcartel.com/

PS- word on the street is my buddy went to Vegas with the money and is already in the red. Keep pushing.