This article is presented by Antonio’s Italian Cucina

With the blog making its return and the Heat Report™️ being a staple of the weekly content Champagne puts out, I figured it was time to provide a write-up for clarity around any of the categories and faces you might not completely grasp. Now remember, this list is non-debatable, so this write-up is not here to defend the reasons why people are in the categories they’re in, it’s merely to inform. From there, you can praise or berate – but never debate. Let’s dive in.

Burning with the Fire of 1000 Suns

• WMU plays Denver tomorrow (4/10) at 5:00pm. Let’s go Broncos
• The Florida Gators are your 2025 NCAA National Champions
• Who gave up on Tork? I didn’t… did you?
• Eat ’em up
• Did the Joe Jumbotron nostalgia need to hit at exactly this time? It only seems right.
• Red rocks

Scalding

• Cade is back and dropped 35 to let you know
• Dingler, McKinstry, and Brebbia

Hot

• Some more Tiggies
• TH jr. drops back to back 23 pt performances
• Jalen Duren nabbed 18 boards and 21 pts against Toronto

Fun

Jason Benetti and Andy Dirks on our screens tonight pic.twitter.com/I6y2Bo5D86

— Tigers Torkmoil (@bythewaybro) March 29, 2025

New Numbies

• 

New Way to Lose

Albert Johansson’s helmet came off at the worst possible time 😬 pic.twitter.com/ohOMSFZIIg

— Sportsnet (@Sportsnet) April 9, 2025

Cold

• Stones drop 4 of the last 5

Cold & Crying About It

• With his torpedo bat and all, Jazz Chisholm Jr. is 0 for 8 in the past two games against the Tigers. He also posted this. Boo hoo

Worst Birthday Ever

• I mean… come on, man

Arctic F*ucking Tundra

• It’s over
• I’m sure the Home Plate Club seats are great to sit in, but it’d be nice if people were sitting in them. The Priority sign isn’t great to look at either

Prayers Up

• This section is dedicated to injuries and departures

• Wenceel Perez was transferred to the 60-day IL, Rogers is on the 10-day IL but…, Alex Lange was recovering from his surgery and in a throwing program…now he’s not, and Manuel Margot was placed on the 10-Day IL yesterday night
• Red Wings are dead
• The Cougs had a good run but fall short in the final game

Hate You Forever

• Claude Lemieux, The Colorado Avalanche for existing

• The Chicago Blackhawks, for existing

• Matt Patricia, for being a talentless prick. My most hated coach in Detroit sports history

• American Coney Island. I am a born Detroiter. At birth they put the coney dog sorting hat on your head, I was deemed a Lafayette Loyalist and nothing will ever change that.

• Matt Millen. #FireMillen

• I could write an entire dissertation on the Priority Patch and how much I hate it with every fiber of my being, but you can watch this video instead.

• Eric Ebron. Cocky, rude, drafted way too high and not good at catching a football.

• Kwame Kilpatrick. Corrupt.

• Brad Allen. Decker reported you moron. It’s on video.

• Gary Bettman. It’s time to go. You rigged the lottery for Chicago, there’s ads everywhere, and you decided on a ten year partnership to make a cheap, creatively barren apparel brand as the official jersey provider of your product. Sickens me.

• Fanatics. Awful brand. Awful products.

• Monty Williams. 14-68

• Jim Joyce. You can cry and say sorry all you want. It doesn’t give Armando Galarraga his Perfect Game. What were you thinking?

• Ben Johnson. Benedict Arnold.