With the blog making its return and the Heat Report™️ being a staple of the weekly content Champagne puts out, I figured it was time to provide a write-up for clarity around any of the categories and faces you might not completely grasp. Now remember, this list is non-debatable, so this write-up is not here to defend the reasons why people are in the categories they’re in, it’s merely to inform. From there, you can praise or berate – but never debate. Let’s dive in.

Burning with the Fire of 1000 Suns

• MSU basketball claims the outright Big Ten crown for the 11th time under Tom Izzo with their comeback win vs Iowa
• The Heat Report™️ is brought to you by Detroit City Distillery. We love them forever. (along with Steve Yzerman)

Scalding

• The Pistons are still red hot but have dropped two since our last report (Denver, LAC) which caused Cade & the gang to drop into the scalding section, down from BWTFO1000S

Hot

• Auser Thompson is playing well as of late, not quite to the scalding levels of Cade, Beasley, Duren or Coach of the Month, JB Bickerstaff, but he earns a hot spot

#Faturday Forever

• Yesterday, Detroit sports internet/twitter legend Andy Isaac passed away after an almost 10-year battle with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Andy was an inspiration to guys like me who wanted to talk/joke/commiserate about Detroit sports online. He was the OG Bears hater (FTB) and loved showing off and reviewing his unhealthy food choices on Saturday, hence, Faturday. He was honored by all four Detroit sports teams and MSU basketball on their big boards. He was one of the good guys and will be missed by all who knew him and followed.

Back

• Only in Detroit would a hot dog joint get a full blown presser for re-opening after a rat infestation, but the Detroit Health Department and Lafayette Coney Island did just that, showing off that they wiped down some counters, re-painted and are ready to slang (rat-less) coney dogs again.

• The Fizz Podcast has returned with a new format- recording TWICE a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays), covering 3-4 topics and lasting around 25-30 minutes. The episodes will now all be on YouTube (please subscribe!) in addition to Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

• Lions signed LB Derrick Barnes to a 3-year $25.5M extension, $16M of the deal is fully guaranteed. The Lions bring back a defensive captain who was injured all of last season. Best known for his interception to send the Lions to the NFC ‘ship in ’23.

20 Days

• Until the Tigers take on the defending champion LA Dodgers for their first game of the season (in LA, Tigers home opener is Friday, April 4th vs the White Sox)

Hosed

• The Wings lost their Stadium Series matchup with Columbus by a score of 5-3 after outshooting them 46-21 and outplaying them for most of the game. The game was ultimately decided on a missed slew-foot-high-stick combo that led directly to the BJ’s go-ahead goal.

Burn ‘Em

• I really don’t mind the jerseys but we’ve lost every game we’ve played in them. Also, they added a gigantic, pronounced Trash Patch to the shoulder. Time to go.

Cold

• Razor has one goal since 4 Nations

• Chiarot looked so lost on Utah’s second goal last night I almost threw up

• Todd’s been great since he arrived but we got him for crunch time. It’s crunch time and we’ve lost 4 straight

• Flashes of good, but can’t give up goals like this in a tight playoff race vs a good team

Arctic F*ucking Tundra

• The Red Wings have lost four straight in the most pivotal time of the year – sound familiar?

• We have the worst penalty kill in the NHL  … it took Columbus all of 8 seconds to score in the Stadium Series on their powerplay.

Prayers Up

• This section is dedicated to injuries and departures

• Carter Mazur in his first NHL game with 200-300 of his friends and family in the stands went awkwardly into the boards and was heartbreakingly ruled out with an upper-body injury after just over a minute of ice time

• Christian Fischer was claimed by Columbus on waivers

• Meadows’ timetable for a return from the nerve issue in his right arm remains uncertain, Evan Petzold of the Detroit Free Press reports.

• Vierling is being evaluated for a right shoulder injury, Evan Woodbery of MLive.com reports.

• Harris has missed two games due to personal reasons

• They’ve nuke the rats at Lafayette Coney Island

Hate You Forever

• Claude Lemieux, The Colorado Avalanche for existing

• The Chicago Blackhawks, for existing

• Matt Patricia, for being a talentless prick. My most hated coach in Detroit sports history

• American Coney Island. I am a born Detroiter. At birth they put the coney dog sorting hat on your head, I was deemed a Lafayette Loyalist and nothing will ever change that.

• Matt Millen. #FireMillen

• I could write an entire dissertation on the Priority Patch and how much I hate it with every fiber of my being, but you can watch this video instead.

• Eric Ebron. Cocky, rude, drafted way too high and not good at catching a football.

• Kwame Kilpatrick. Corrupt.

• Brad Allen. Decker reported you moron. It’s on video.

• Gary Bettman. It’s time to go. You rigged the lottery for Chicago, there’s ads everywhere, and you decided on a ten year partnership to make a cheap, creatively barren apparel brand as the official jersey provider of your product. Sickens me.

• Fanatics. Awful brand. Awful products.

• Monty Williams. 14-68

• Jim Joyce. You can cry and say sorry all you want. It doesn’t give Armando Galarraga his Perfect Game. What were you thinking?

• Ben Johnson. Benedict Arnold.