This article is presented by Antonio’s Italian Cucina

With the blog making its return and the Heat Report™️ being a staple of the weekly content Champagne puts out, I figured it was time to provide a write-up for clarity around any of the categories and faces you might not completely grasp. Now remember, this list is non-debatable, so this write-up is not here to defend the reasons why people are in the categories they’re in, it’s merely to inform. From there, you can praise or berate – but never debate. Let’s dive in.

Burning with the Fire of 1000 Suns

• Cade continues to be the king of this category, burying a buzzer-beater-game-winning 3-pointer vs the Heat on ESPN
• MSU hockey wins Big Ten Tournament in double OT vs OSU
• WMU wins first ever NCHC tournament

Scalding

• Pistons, Bick, Duren remain scalding as they push for the 4th seed in the NBA playoffs
• Ron Holland put up a career high 26 points vs the Pelicans Sunday in Cade’s absence
• MSU and U of M both reach the sweet 16

Hot

• Marcus Sasser puts up 20 on Sunday in Cade’s absence
• Malik continues to be rock solid
• Patrick Kane and Detroit’s powerplay are the only things working for Detroit hockey right now

Welcome To Detroit

• All the Lions new signings + The Tigers bring in Manuel Margot with the news Parker Meadows will need 4 more weeks recovery

Gas Factory

• The Tigers starting rotation for 2025. I am such a Jobe guy.

Welcomed Back The Northern Guard

• DCFC had their home opener Saturday at Keyworth, they ended in a draw vs Birmingham

NAIN

• Nain Rougue happened this weekend, Detroit’s official kick-off of spring.
• Apparently the Nain is now welcomed in Detroit, where in previous years he was banished away.

Exciting Edge Rush Signings

• Always trust Brad, but man it seems like this needs to be addressed. Hopefully the draft?

Cold

• Wings have lost 9 of their last 11. Todd hasn’t found a way to get them over the hump
• Cam Talbot has lost 7 of 8… our D sucks but he’s not saving any games

Arctic F*ucking Tundra

• The penalty kill might be the worst in NHL history
• Holl, Tarsenko are complete embarrassments
• Every time I look up Chairot seems to be giving up a goal

Prayers Up

• This section is dedicated to injuries and departures

• The opponents U of M and MSU have left in their wake this tournament
• Soderblom hurt, but traveling with team
• Gustavsson’s season might be over
• Parker Meadows ruled out another 4 weeks
• Tim Hardaway ruled out vs Pelicans (so was Cade but I didn’t want to panic anyone and put him in this section)

Hate You Forever

• Claude Lemieux, The Colorado Avalanche for existing

• The Chicago Blackhawks, for existing

• Matt Patricia, for being a talentless prick. My most hated coach in Detroit sports history

• American Coney Island. I am a born Detroiter. At birth they put the coney dog sorting hat on your head, I was deemed a Lafayette Loyalist and nothing will ever change that.

• Matt Millen. #FireMillen

• I could write an entire dissertation on the Priority Patch and how much I hate it with every fiber of my being, but you can watch this video instead.

• Eric Ebron. Cocky, rude, drafted way too high and not good at catching a football.

• Kwame Kilpatrick. Corrupt.

• Brad Allen. Decker reported you moron. It’s on video.

• Gary Bettman. It’s time to go. You rigged the lottery for Chicago, there’s ads everywhere, and you decided on a ten year partnership to make a cheap, creatively barren apparel brand as the official jersey provider of your product. Sickens me.

• Fanatics. Awful brand. Awful products.

• Monty Williams. 14-68

• Jim Joyce. You can cry and say sorry all you want. It doesn’t give Armando Galarraga his Perfect Game. What were you thinking?

• Ben Johnson. Benedict Arnold.