With the blog making its return and the Heat Report™️ being a staple of the weekly content Champagne puts out, I figured it was time to provide a write-up for clarity around any of the categories and faces you might not completely grasp. Now remember, this list is non-debatable, so this write-up is not here to defend the reasons why people are in the categories they’re in, it’s merely to inform. From there, you can praise or berate – but never debate. Let’s dive in.

Burning with the Fire of 1000 Suns

• MSU wins the Big Ten, blows out Michigan, and Jaxon Kohler wore a Michael Myers mask in a hot tub
• Guy with Winged Wheel glass eye
• Korea’s biggest Pistons fan
• Cade stays cooking
• The Heat Report™️ is brought to you by Detroit City Distillery. We love them forever. (along with Steve Yzerman)

Scalding

• Even though the Pistons are 2-2 and their last 4 and just lost to lowly Washington on 313 day, Bickerstaff and Duren remain scalding
• Kane: 5 points (2/3) vs Buffalo
• Cat is a goal scoring machine (sniper cat)

Hot

• Two goals and an assist for Kasper vs Buffalo
• Seider. Goal and tough nosed play
• Edvinsson. Toughest guy on the team
• Jobe. Throwin GAS in spring training and as confident as ever
• Shine. Throwing knucks and tough as nails. Almost scored his first NHL goal
• Tobias Harris. Steady play all week

Welcome To Detroit

• All the Lions new signings

Welcome Back to Detroit

• All the Lions re-signings
• Mrazek is back!

Using His Head

• Our $140 million dollar man takes one off the dome for the team

One Second Too Late

• Raymond almost tied up the most frustrating game of the season but was one second too late vs Ottawa

Only Wants To Work With The Lions

• Tim Patrick tweeted this

Cold

• Talbot has lost his last four starts and the goals he gave up vs Ottawa definitely raised some questions
• Lyon with a grave error vs Carolina leaving the net open for the game winner, gave up 4 on 19 vs Utah

Arctic F*ucking Tundra

• We have the worst penalty kill in the NHL .  We gave up another PK goal vs Buffalo.

Prayers Up

• This section is dedicated to injuries and departures

• Veleno traded to Chicago
• Zeitler signed with Tennessee
• Davis signed with New England
• Tiger Woods to have surgery, out indefinitely
• Kindl Vildor signed with Tampa
• Jalen Reeves Maybin released
• Iffy Melifonwu signed with Dolphins
• Z-Smith released

Hate You Forever

• Claude Lemieux, The Colorado Avalanche for existing

• The Chicago Blackhawks, for existing

• Matt Patricia, for being a talentless prick. My most hated coach in Detroit sports history

• American Coney Island. I am a born Detroiter. At birth they put the coney dog sorting hat on your head, I was deemed a Lafayette Loyalist and nothing will ever change that.

• Matt Millen. #FireMillen

• I could write an entire dissertation on the Priority Patch and how much I hate it with every fiber of my being, but you can watch this video instead.

• Eric Ebron. Cocky, rude, drafted way too high and not good at catching a football.

• Kwame Kilpatrick. Corrupt.

• Brad Allen. Decker reported you moron. It’s on video.

• Gary Bettman. It’s time to go. You rigged the lottery for Chicago, there’s ads everywhere, and you decided on a ten year partnership to make a cheap, creatively barren apparel brand as the official jersey provider of your product. Sickens me.

• Fanatics. Awful brand. Awful products.

• Monty Williams. 14-68

• Jim Joyce. You can cry and say sorry all you want. It doesn’t give Armando Galarraga his Perfect Game. What were you thinking?

• Ben Johnson. Benedict Arnold.