We saw it coming for months, we thought we were prepared, but when the news officially sunk in that our Detroit Red Wings would be missing the NHL playoffs for the first time since the 1989-90 season, most Wings fans around the world had a similar thought- this sucks.

It’s hard to be positive as a Wings fan right now. This is our lowest point in a long time as a franchise. Not only is our team kicking rocks at the bottom of the Atlantic with the piss-shit Buffalo Sabres and missing the playoffs, the organization in the past year has lost DRW legends such as Gordie Howe and Mike Ilitch. The Joe is staring at its final days. We have shit contract after shit contract on the books for the foreseeable future. AND on top of all of it, my two most hated teams in the NHL are passing the Stanley Cup back-and-forth like a god damn hot potato (Chicago & Pittsburgh).

And what hurts the most is you know so many fans and people around the NHL couldn’t be happier that the Wings playoff streak is FINALLY over. The Red Wings are the Patriots, Yankees, and Spurs of the NHL. We have somehow maintained a high level of success over a long period of time, and when you’re at the top for so long, all people want for you is to fall. At this point I want to warn readers that I’m about to go a little off the rails here, so if you’re looking for a more sophisticated tribute to the Red Wings whimsical playoff streak, I encourage you to read this from NHL.com, which does a great job paying tribute to the most successful American hockey franchise of all time.

But now for the rest of you degenerates, let’s ride.

barstoolsports.com

It’s hard to find a surprising headline in 2017 but this one from Barstool kicked me square in the dick. Nothing seems right and I have had this impending doom feeling lurking over me since the third period horn sounded in Carolina last night. It’s like I’m living the Sunday Scaries everyday of my life now that Red Wing playoff hockey has been stripped from me. See, I always believed that as long as there was me, there would be Red Wings playoff hockey.

I was born in 1991…the same year the Red Wings playoff streak started. Coincidence?

Doubtful.

Sure, thousands upon thousands of Detroit Red Wings fans were born in 1991 and have only witnessed playoff hockey every April since their birth, but I was different. I’ve caught pucks from McCarty, Kozlov, some random ice crew guy, and even got one from Jiri Slegr in Game 5 of the 2002 Stanley Cup Finals when he was penciled in after Yuri Fisher was suspended for bashing that guy’s teeth in with this stick in Game 4.

via CBC: Fischer, 21, will sit out Thursday’s tilt at Joe Louis Arena (8 p.m. ET, CBC). “Mr. Fischer’s suspension was based on the fact that he delivered an intentional cross check to the face of the Carolina player,” Campbell said. “There was nothing about this event that could be deemed related to the play.” Fischer cross-checked Westlund in the chops behind the Red Wings net at 7:44 of the third period.

I was there when the Wings raised it in ’02, I was there when Yzerman banged that 55-footer in on the Blues in ’96, I was there when Federov scored 5 mother fucking goals in one mother fucking game vs the Capitals that same year. And SURE I talk about these moments a lot, but honestly if you think this is bad you should just try having a conversation with me. I try to work these moments of my life into every single conversation I have because it’s what kept me alive.

But now that the Wings will be playing golf and grabbing-ass all summer instead of fighting for Lord Stanley’s Cup, I strongly fear that death looms around every corner, waiting to take me like it just took my beloved and cherished playoff streak.

I don’t know whose fault it is but whether it was mine, the Wings, or Jonathan Ericsson’s, I hate it and it makes me sad. The first year I have a sports blog to put all my misinformed irrational thoughts into and I don’t even get to spit hot fire about Red Wings playoff hockey.

Red Wings playoff hockey makes me absolutely insane and I’m just sorry you all won’t get a chance to witness the pure chaos that lives inside of me during this time of year. So as a consolation prize I can show you what has become of me in years past.

#WeDidnt. Prior to the 2014 Playoffs, I was in a rush to meet friends at the bar for Game 1 vs Boston and swiped my Schick a little too close to my chinny chin chin. The Wings won that game 1-0 on an absolute snipe show by Pavs, then promptly went on to lose 4 straight.

Me with a Spider-Man mask on with a burn hole near the mouth during the 2013 playoffs when the Wings had a 3-1 series lead on the Blackhawks. I would discuss what happened after that but I don’t want to scare anyone more than this picture already has. Selfies are pretty whack but judging by the mask and extreme wet-ness of my shirt I’m assuming I didn’t know my middle name at this point in the night.

Me up in Kalamazoo during the 2012 playoffs rocking a backwards Yzerman hat from the 90’s bombed out of my skull wearing some Made-In-Detroit themed bar crawl shirt.

I really lost my shit during the first round of the 2012 playoffs. Here I am at that same crawl but a year prior blasted off of “Octopus Blood” after the Wings downed Phoenix.

Also 2012. But this time in the second round. This was the night the Wings fell one game short of making a 3-0 series come back on the Sharks. You can literally see the devil in my eyes. I fell over crying onto a pile of chairs this night when the Wings eventually perished.

Here is me, no idea when, standing in the middle of traffic just outside of Greektown pretending to have just won the Stanley Cup.

And here is what once used to hang at my desk when I lived in Chicago. Now, the Hawks have a dynasty and the Wings have Jonathan Ericsson signed through 2020. Oh and I’m going to die as soon as this season ends. #lgrw 🍾

– Frank