I’ll be ordering B-Dubs tonight.

I am doing this for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, I am treating this real NFL draft like a fantasy draft, because it’s going to have a very strong fantasy look and feel to it.

Everything is digital; GM’s, advisors, coaches, support staff, scouts, journalists, personalities, etc. etc. etc. are going to be located in hundreds of locations throughout the United States trying to coordinate one of the biggest annual events the NFL holds. It truly is just your 12-man fantasy draft on PCP, steroids, and crack cocaine all at the same time. It will be breathtaking to watch how this is televised, coordinated, and presented. But basically that was the long way of saying it feels like a fantasy draft so I’m celebrating with traditional shitty, guilty, fantasy-draft food.

Secondly, I’ve settled on B-Dubs because I’ve realized getting B-Dubs carryout is a lot like watching a Detroit Lions draft. From the excitement, to the disappointment, to the uneasy feeling afterwords, the similarities are uncanny. Let’s dive in.

1. Leading up to it, it’s exciting as hell.

When you’ve made the decision to get B-Dubs, you’re excited. It’s an exciting feeling leading up to placing the actual order. You get to explore the many options in front of you and speculate how well those options will perform at fulfilling a need of yours. This is very similar to a Lions draft. Lot of options, lot of potential needs/cravings to address, and a lot of excitement going through this evaluation process.

2. There’s usually internal disagreement about what the selection should be.

Now, I’m not above a solo order of B Dubs, in fact I’m pretty sure I’m going solo tonight. But most of the times B Dubs gets ordered, it’s in groups of two or more, and if you’re getting large collection of food there are simply too many options out there for there not to be disagreements. What direction are you trying to take program/tackle your hunger? Are you trying to go high risk high reward – talented flashy character issue wideout/mango habanero bone-in wings? Or are you going 4 year starter cornerstone offensive lineman/honey barbecue boneless? Both could be great….but which option is RIGHT? It’s all part of the adventure, but eventually a decision is made and the order is placed.

3. The meal comes/the player is picked, and it’s nothing close to what you thought you ordered. 

Why does this suck? And why are things missing? I thought I was getting a side of ranch…and I got blue cheese. I thought I was getting a great set of hands, but this guy drops everything. I asked for potato wedges, and I got tortilla chips. I thought this guy had a good attitude, but he’s tweeting cryptic messages at Stafford. I thought I liked the thing I ordered. This was supposed to be a hot pick, but everything is ice cold. Everything I read about it said it was awesome. Why is it now that I have this menu item/player…they seem to stink/be incorrect? This wasn’t supposed to happen. This is not what I ordered.

4. You realized you overpaid. 

$61.37 for an incorrect, underperforming meal- what a steal! $20 million for an incorrect, underperforming top ten draft pick- this is gonna be great!

5. You sit there and you eat it anyways. 

All the while trying to convince yourself this was the right decision, even if it didn’t pan out the way you planned. Man this sucks. But I already paid for it so I might as well eat as much of it as I can. Maybe it will get better wit the next bite, the next play, the next season. As the food/player gets shittier and colder with each bite/play you realize you may have made a grave error in judgement. As you look for positives in the meal you only find yourself falling into a deeper depression. You begin to question other aspects and decisions in your life. What are we even doing here?

6. Trust issues develop. 

I don’t think I’ll ever order B Dubs/root for the Lions again. That was a horrible experience, why would I ever give them my time, energy, or hard earned money ever again?

7. You feel like shit.

You feel like physical shit after consuming the product. The emotional/physical aftermath is a nightmare and can lead to hours on the toilet.

8. Anger sets in.

“Fuck them. I just spent so much money and emotional energy on this order/team, I’m going to write a scathing review on Yelp!/bitch endlessly about them on Twitter! Maybe I’ll even make a podcast and rip them to shreds! Ya! That’ll show’em! Who do you think you are I AM!!”

9. You come back around.

Maybe you go to a gathering and the game is on/they catered B Dubs. You have a wing/watch a game and it tastes pretty good/they win one. The joy you feel in that one taste invigorates the soul and you begin to imagine what it would be like to not just have one wing, or one win…but what about if had like 12 or 15 of these. Then that would just make me super happy right?

10. You order B Dubs again/decide to watch another draft in hopes that it will fulfill the void you currently are experiencing. 

Scroll to the top of list and being again.

#forward 🍾

– Frank