This weekend, I had a horrible bout with a stomach virus. There’s something uniquely terrible about throwing up from non-alcohol related reasons as a full grown adult, and as gastrointestinal distress crept down my intestine, I found myself recreating “Two Girls One Cup”, with my toilet as co-star from about 2:00pm until 1:30am. The sensation of having explosive vomit and diarrhea, I thought to myself, is exactly what it’s like to root for Minnesota sports teams.

Minnesota Twins

2024 Record: 82-80 (12-27 after August 17 YIKES)

2025 Projection: 3rd in AL Central

(Follow up to last week’s side note: last year, when I was up visiting friends and family, I made a not so modest wager on a Minnesota Twins future to win the AL Central. The sting of late August was luckily softened by the Tigers making a magical run- but a valuable lesson was learned here, and applied in Week 18 against the Minnesota Vikings. ALWAYS count on Minnesota to fuck up when it matters the most)

Projected Starting Lineup:  

1B: Jose Miranda

2B: Brooks Lee

SS: Carlos Correa

3B: Royce Lewis

LF: Trevor Larnach

CF: Byron Buxton

RF: Matt Wallner

C: Ryan Jeffers

DH: Willi Castro

Projected Starting Rotation:

Pablo Lopez

Joe Ryan

Bailey Ober

Simeon Woods Richardson

Chris Paddack

Key Offseason Acquisitions:

2B Mickey Gasper

Key Offseason Departures:

1B/DH Carlos Santana

2B Kyle Farmer

OF Max Kepler

1B/OF Alex Kirillof

OF Manuel Margo

LHP Caleb Thielbar

*Side note: Is it just me, or were there no real ground-breaking offseason moves in the AL Central this year? Flaherty being signed by the Tigers feels like a legitimate A+ move, when compared to all of these other signings*

It’s hard to go through any projection about the Minnesota Twins without talking about what a colossal fucking tankjob the end of last year was. When people began talking about Detroit making the playoffs near the end of August, I thought, “this is immense cope, there’s no way they’d actually pull this off”- but for all the deserved praise of Detroit’s success, the inverse is true for Minnesota’s failure. Minnesota is a team that SHOULD be the best in this division, from a pure talent standpoint. They’ve got superstars all throughout the lineup, and even though their pitching has seemingly taken a step back in recent years, they’ve shown to be competent- even great at points. In the spirit of praise and kindness…

Let’s go through some reasons for hope:

Legitimate Stars

Tigers fans are all too familiar with Carlos Correa’s presence in the Twins lineup, considering he was this close to being a Tiger. But, he didn’t sign, and Javy play SS for us, and the rest, as they say, is history. But Correa isn’t the only stud that the Twins have in their lineup- guys like Byron Buxton and Royce Lewis fly under the radar for Tigers fans, and are legitimate talents. When these three are cooking, the Twins can be a nightmare to play against.

Outfield

Byron Buxton gets all the attention at CF, but Matt Wallner is a name to pay attention to in RF. Last year, he hit 32 homers between AAA and the Twins, primarily from off-speed pitches, and if hitting wasn’t enough, the guy has a hose out in RF. LF will probably be a rotation of Trevor Larnach and Austin Martin, both of whom were former first round picks, and have shown immense promise at the plate. Minnesota has arguably the best outfield grouping of any team in the AL Central this year. 

Bullpen

The Twinkies have one of those bullpens where it feels like they can trot out three or four guys that just throw the absolute piss out of the ball. Their closer, Jhoan Duran, tops 101mph on his fastball and 97mph on his splitter- and while he isn’t the dominant 2022 version of himself, he’s still pretty damn good. Griffin Jax is another guy that throws hard, but can mix in an above average slider and changeup that gets guys to chase at an above average rate. Someone to follow is Cole Sands- a former starter turned bullpen guy who added to his velocity and picked apart the strike zone last year. If everything can hum in the bullpen, that may make up for some lackluster performance from starters.

And reasons why it could turn to shit:

The Vibes

As I’ve already briefly mentioned before, the Twins have pulled this whole late season collapse not once, but TWICE in three seasons. Last season felt particularly embarrassing. Like, I’m a Detroit fan. I’ve seen some collapses- the Lions during Jim Caldwell, the Detroit Red Wings for the past two years (sigh)- but this shit was next level. It got to the point where I was tuning in to the game in the 9th inning on MLB Network just to savor the sadness of the broadcast and fans. I get that these guys are professional athletes, and that mental shit and “curses” are all just fandom, but I really do wonder if there’s a point in the season where, on a 2 or 3 game losing streak, everyone in that locker room just kind of awkwardly looks at one another and goes “here we go again boys”.

Health

Having a lineup that includes Correa, Buxton, and Lewis looks great… on paper. But I want to say there are about 25-30 games a season where all three players will be in the game at the same time. Royce Lewis in particular is a guy who feels like he’s on the injured list every season, and with Correa now entering 30+ territory, you have to wonder how much longer the wear and tear of playing SS is going to last. Buxton has actually looked okay in the outfield despite having knee surgery in 2023, but at a certain point, it feels like the guys that are your depth pieces are actually just your starters. It’s like having a lineup of Don Kellys and Ryan Rayburns (okay, actually, that would be fucking sick nevermind lol)

Starting Pitching

Arguably one of the biggest reasons the Twins fell off at the end of the season last year was due to their starting rotation. Pablo Lopez has been thoroughly “meh” as a number one, and the ACTUAL best pitcher on the staff last year, Joe Ryan, got hurt in August. Simeon Woods Richardson looked pretty decent in the first half of the season, but hitters figured him out in the second half, posting a 5.23 ERA down the stretch. The whole rotation has felt anchorless since Sonny Gray left a few years back, and if the Twins are going to have any chance of making the postseason, they need to have meaningful outings from their starters when it matters the most.

Overall, Minnesota has all the pieces to make a push into the playoffs, but right now, they’ve got that stink of disappointment and collapse on them. But, you know, even as I write this, I feel like I’m being disingenuous- this stink of disappointment and collapse isn’t a new smell, it’s a stench that has plagued Minnesota sports for years. This is the same organization that has won 2 (two) playoff games in the last twenty years- a stat that feels kind of mind-boggling, considering the Twins have had real, legitimate talent come through their organization in that time. It’s really not even limited to the Twins, it’s Minnesota teams in general. How many seasons did I have to watch Kirk Cousins pull miracles out of his ass in the regular season, only to get waxed by Daniel Jones in the first round of the playoffs? Or even this year, where through some small miracle, they had the best record in the NFC leading into Week 18, only to lose in embarrassing fashion in Week 18 and the wild card round of the playoffs? This is what being a Minnesota fan is all about- incredible, miraculous, “feel-good” runs, punctuated by crushing defeat and disappointment. I know that I picked Minnesota to finish above Kansas City in this preseason ranking, but it would not shock me in the slightest if the Twins implode (again) down the stretch. But, with an ownership group that may or may not sell the team, Twins fans may unfortunately find themselves stuck in a purgatory of mediocrity. As Tigers fans, I think we can all look forward to the extra wins down the stretch.

RIP to the 2025 Minnesota Twins