Before this article goes off the rails I’ll quote a real reporter on the situation, via USA Today.

Patrick Kane has chosen his team for the 2023-24 season and the hope is he will be able to carry the Detroit Red Wings to the playoffs and make a run after signing a one-year, $2.75 million deal.

The history is there for Kane to have an impact with the Red Wings. He is the top-scoring American player (1,237 points in 1,180 games) since joining the league in 2007-08 after being selected No. 1 overall in the 2007 NHL draft. He ranks third overall during that time behind the Washington Capitals’ Alex Ovechkin and Pittsburgh Penguins’ Sidney Crosby. He had 92 points two seasons ago.

Kane, 35, also won three Stanley Cup titles with the Chicago Blackhawks. He was the playoff MVP in 2013 and won the Hart Trophy in the 2015-16 season.

NOT A BAD RESUME, EH HOCKEYTOWN?

Wow. I mean just wow. We heard the rumors all summer, we heard Kane’s name linked to the Red Wings pretty much this entire season… but in reality, I, nor you, nor ANYONE actually thought Yzerman would go out and make this happen. If you claim you did, I don’t believe you.

Now, there are a lot of reactions to this signing and after scanning the internet like I do every single day of my life I have come to this conclusion: in general, there are four reactions to the Wings getting Kane. Please see the chart below:

I am stoutly in the top right quadrant. I think this move rocks for a number of different reasons.

• Regardless of age, hips, or any of that, Kane has incredible hockey sense, and is one of the best passers in the game. He IMMEDIATELY improves the Wings power play which is already converting north of 20%
• This is the most low risk high reward contract you could possible think of. The Wings, who have over $10 million in cap space, get Kane on a one-year deal worth $2.75 million. This is basically free in the millionaire/billionaire sports world. DO YOU WANT A FREE PATRICK KANE?
• Reunited with DeBrincat. DeBrincat had back-to-back 40 goal seasons last time they were together in Chicago
• He wants to be here.
• This move is Yzerman telling the team, the fans, the org and all of Hockeytown: We’re making the fucking playoffs this year.
• Yzerman did his homework. He watched Kane workout, he’s spoken to doctors, he’s seen him skate, he met him in person etc. etc. etc. If Yzerman saw the value in signing him, you have to believe it. Yzerman said himself yesterday that Detroit doesn’t sign players to sell jerseys, they sign players to win games. If this was Kenny Holland making this signing, I would have a lot less confidence.
• Kane is ready to go and is as confident as ever

Is there risk? Honestly, not really. If he doesn’t play a single game for us this season we’re right back to where we were 48 hours ago, which is a team a quarter through the season who currently holds the third place spot in the Atlantic, in the playoffs.

If he does play and he sucks, he takes away time from younger guys, which yes, is a risk. But I would much rather roll the dice on one of the greatest American goal scorers of all time than worry about the minutes he’s taking away from Berggren (who’s already back up) or Kasper.

And if it somehow is a nightmare? It’s over in April.

For those in the top right quadrant like me, check out my new KANE TRAIN tees and stickers.