Last night prior to puck drop of game 4 of the Western Conference Finals, the dead carcass of a mallard(?) duck hit the ice surface at Bridgestone Arena. Just when we thought we had our fill of dead animal requests hitting the ice in Nashville, some psychopath upped the ante and went full blown bird on our asses.

Now, Nashville is in unchartered waters, both for playoff distance (this is the franchises first appearance in the Western Conference Finals) and for setting the precedent of what can and can’t be tossed on the ice. And last night, they definitely pushed the envelope.

Now let’s get this clear: I thought the dead duck hitting the ice was absolutely incredible. I loved every second of it. I mean, the PREDATORS are playing the DUCKS. The aggressiveness of mascots should have given Nashville a 2-0 series lead before a game was ever played. In addition, Nashville is proving to the NHL world that they belong here too. They aren’t just some bullshit expansion team with a ridiculous logo/name/color scheme. And what a way to say “We love hockey too” by purchasing/murdering a defensiveness bird, sneaking its dead body into an ice area, then hucking it onto the ice during our country’s National Anthem.

Honestly, I wish all teams would toss the dead cadaver of the opposing team’s mascot on the ice prior to playoff games. Let’s use the Eastern Conference as an example (Pittsburgh Penguins vs the Ottawa Senators). Next game in Ottawa, dead penguin. Next game in Pittsburgh, dead senator. Sure it gets a little messy with animal rights, murder charges, and legal repercussions but THIS IS THE PLAYOFFS and I honestly think if someone were to stand trial for the murder, mutilation, and embarrassment of the corpse of a Canadian senator, the defendant could use the defense of #BECAUSEITSTHECUP or could claim insanity and state that he/she has gone completely Cup Crazy.

I just worry because you knoooowwwwww this has probably turned into a PETA nightmare, even though it was just a dead duck and thousands upon thousands of ducks are killed yearly because there is literally a “duck hunting season” that occurs every year. And honestly if you’re feeling bad for the duck- don’t. Most ducks are killed, then discarded, mounted, or eaten, which in my opinion is way shittier than going out in complete glory as the first duck to hit an ice surface during an NHL playoff game. But hey maybe that’s just me being a sick fuck.

My only worry is this crack down on dead animals hitting the ice has reached its breaking point. I mean seriously the NHL is the only sport where dead animals are somewhat routinely thrown on the ice, and that all started in Hockeytown when the octopuses started flying from all angles. They have said they were gonna crack down on the octopi from being thrown, but in reality no one actually cracked down because no one actually as strong affection for an octopus. But now that a bird has hit the ice I’m worried there might be routine dead animal checks at the gate of NHL games. What an interesting problem Bettman has to deal with. When that duck hit the ice last night he probably rubbed his forehead and said to himself “why can’t our fans be normal white trash folk and throw beer bottles or the occasional tub of nachos? How did I get stuck with the dead animal epidemic?” #lgrw 🍾

– Frank