Alright so, this is awkward. It’s legit 12:13am on Tuesday morning and I am now discovering that the Detroit Lions 2017 third round draft pick Kenny Golladay out of Northern Illinois has just stolen my hand crafted Instagram photo and given me zero credit for it.

He didn’t like my photo. He sure as fuck didn’t follow me. He didn’t tag me in the stolen photo. Nor did he even allow it to stay tagged on his page. The world really is going to shit.

Here’s the stolen photo:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BXy6QC6hTEN/?taken-by=kgxix

It’s a great shot. I know, I was the one who ORIGINALLY stole it from the internet. And now you’re probably thinking to yourself, Frank, that’s a public photo, he could have gotten that from anywhere. BUT my friends that is where you’re wrong. There is a slight alteration to this photo I took liberties on before posting. Take a look at the original:

Now, you’ll notice in this original photo there is a giant GETTY IMAGES water mark stretching across the picture. Additionally, there is an Indianapolis DB in the shot as well. When I originally stole this photo from the internet, I didn’t want the watermark to show, and in taking out the watermark it made sense to just wipe out the entire Colts player all together. With the end result being…

Look- no DB. And virtually everything to the right of the picture is a blurred mess. That’s because of my shitty Photoshop rubber stamp skills. But I knew I was going to blur it further in Instagram so no one would notice. This little Photoshop maneuver is how I know he stole the photo. Scroll back up to his and back down to mine if you’re still doubting it.

Kenny. Kenny, Kenny, Kenny. SMDH. This is NOT how I envisioned our relationship to kick off. All you had to do was like my photo or shoot me a good 👀’s comment like JV did back in the day. I captioned my photo with “Do the number proud” referring to the fact that you’re wearing number 19 in a city that looks upon the number 19 as a guiding beacon in the night. The number is retired in Hockeytown so it literally can’t be worn by a Red Wing anymore, it’s getting shit all over on the Tigers with Anibal Sanchez rocking it, and it’s worn by a dude named Beno Udrih (?) on the Pistons. So it is up to you, Kenny Golladay, rookie wide receiver out of Northern Illinois, to lead like the light beacon that you are and positively represent the number 19 to the fullest- and that doesn’t mean steeling some poor loser writer/blogger/alcoholic’s Instagram post the first time he posts about you without tossing a good 👀’s in the MFing comment section.

I want to be friends Kenny. I really like you and I could really use a friend. Miggy still has me blocked. Justin Verlander won’t return my calls. And my other buddy Jerry lives 2.5 hours away in Cleveland is depressingly overweight. So let’s do what’s right here Kenny, toss me a good 👀’s and afterwords we can laugh about the whole thing over root beer floats at Coney- my treat.

Your move one-nine. 🍾

– Frank