Night before Thanksgiving? Nah.

St. Patrick’s Day? Not even close.

Christmas themed bar crawl? Don’t know if we have one.

But what we do have is Opening Day. I don’t know why or how it happened, but the first home game for our slowest moving professional sport, who plays the most regular season games in a season, owns the wildest downtown shit show of the year, every year.

Thousands upon thousands flood into the city, rain or shine, and proceed to crush everything from wine coolers to cocaine in order to be able to cheer their Tigers to victory in week one of a season that spans 162 games over 7ish months.

Have I accidentally witnessed a grown woman attempt to take a shit behind a dumpster that I coincidentally was walking by on Opening Day?

People are absolutely BONKERS about Opening Day. Work is skipped, all responsibilities are completely abandoned, and nothing stops this hurricane from happening. Literally I couldn’t tell you the last time we had nice weather for Opening Day, this year it might snow- yet no body gives a flying fuck.

Was I solicited hard drugs at a urinal by a guy in a “She Loves The D” shirt in a Marriott bathroom before the first pitch was even thrown? 

Now sure, when it comes to tailgating, I would never let the weather stop me, but I’m a youngish sports-loving alcoholic who went to a Big Ten school and have tailgated everything from Rose Bowls to intramural volleyball matches. But the Opening Day crowd brings out all walks of life from your white-trash-Olde-English-D-tattooed-on-his-neck-asking-to-bum-a-Newport to your everyday-lunch-packing-loving-note-writing-soccer-mom.

Do I know how or why I was in that Marriott? Did I decline the drugs and try and buy the shirt off his back?

This year’s event is happening on a Friday, which apparently is still a work day. But this used to happen on a Monday, and the size of the tailgating crowd has not changed in the slightest. Which has me questioning- who the fuck is actually working on this day? I know I haven’t worked/went to class it since I left for college and it’s getting to the point I forget to request it off because I just assume it was worked in as a company holiday.

Did I end up at a strip club late night and decline dances but steal a man’s Red Wing hat because I was more attracted to that than any of the woman in there? 

Now this year, I’m really looking to make a bounce back from last year. I like to grade myself on performance for big drinking days and let me tell you last year I received and F-. Yes, EFF MINUS. I couldn’t have done worse. I acted like such a rookie it was absolutely EMBARRASSING. It was a textbook didn’t eat, blacked out early, started yelling at innocent bystanders who were only trying to help me, capped off with a- you guessed it…… shattered phone! I woke up on the floor of my apartment wearing only my slacks and Tiger ball cap. God damn it I’m so white it hurts sometimes.  

Why this date has become what is has become is unbeknownst to me. I’m not going to argue with it but the concept to me is pretty mind blowing. I would venture to guess that about 90% of the people down there watch 0% of the game. But I suppose any sporting event can be a blackout rager if you believe in yourself.

Am I a pathetic individual?

So get your #CapsOn and take your #PantsOff because it’s Opening Day 2017 and the Tigers have already had one rain out and one division ass whooping which means it’s time to turn the fuck up for game 3 of 162 on a work day in 40 mph winds. #EatEmUp 🍾

– Frank