Bim bam flim flam or whatever. Necks win, Tiny’s wimpers back into the hole they crawled out of.

I think this entire team has a thing for me, like an uncomfortable obsession. From the onset of puck drop I had some guy following me around on the ice like I’m actually a good enough player to shadow (I’m not). Then after the game we once again had the human thumb aka the ugliest player in the league aka #5 aka the captain (legit the guy has a C on his jersey in a beer league) squealing SYNO at the top of his lungs the entire game. He even slew footed the living shit out of me and got a penalty. I think he just has a big lesbian crush on the Necks.

You can’t play for us dude. You’re too ugly, we don’t know you, and your attitude quite frankly stinks worse than the bathroom of that shithole bar you represent.

Once the Necks took the lead, there was no looking back. We went up 3-0 and held the lead until the third period. Tiny’s came out strong and desperate and scored early in the third making the score 3-1, and it looked as if they were going to make a push. They even went on the powerplay, but then one of their players committed the most absolutely backbreaking egregious turnovers I have ever seen….which lead to a Necks 2 on 0 while being shorthanded. How bad do you have to be? It’s 3-1, you NEED the next goal to have a punchers chance in the game, and you turn it over in front of your own net with no one behind you and give up a 2 on 0….on a power play?!?

Once the score was 4-1 you saw the life completely deflate from the Tony’s bench. But that didn’t stop the fire of the Necks, who continued to play gritty. Goalie even came out of his net and punched a guy.

The reffing in the game couldn’t have been shittier (10ish penalties?), but it was pretty on brand for how shit of a game Tiny’s played.

After the game I flipped the human thumb the game puck because he played so well I thought he deserved a treat. He immediately started squealing again saying how good of a player I was and how the Longnecks deserve whole heartedly to be in the league. It was weird. The guy is clearly unfulfilled on his own team and it kinda makes me sad. Poor guy just needs love and he thinks he can get it out of the Necks camp. I try to make everyone feel welcome here on Champagne Athletics but Sloth is crossing the line.

I’m glad we won, jumped them in the standings, and proved out to be the better team. My guarantee held strong and overall I’m happy. But I will be filing a restraining order against #5 because I have a family to think about.

Game Notes: 

#5 wishes he was a Longneck/in a relationship with me.

The Nexus Spine & Sport Backbone Performance of the Game goes to Goalie. Only one goal given up and a punch to the head with a monster lead. That’s the kinda attitude we need going into the playoffs.

The Zim’s Vodka Smoothest Move of the Game goes to all the boys who hit Sham after the game. We went to the bar after the game. It’s called House of Shamrock and we call it Sham for short. Going from an ice rink to the bar is always a pretty smooth move.

The Fox Hills Chrysler Jeep Trail Rated Tough Performance goes to Sloth aka the human thumb aka #5 aka the captain aka Lurch for his persistent attempts to court me/play for the Necks. He chants our mantra every single game (SYNO), he tells me how good of a player I am at an alarming rate, and has commented multiple times on how the Longnecks are the best team in the league. Man we get it- you like us. Just back the shit off a little bit you’re starting to get desperate. But having worked sales in the past I can appreciate persistency and the toughness it takes to fight through denial. So for that, Jabba, I respect the hustle.

The Bowline Financial Calculated Risk of the Game goes to shit-ass reffing job put on display last night. By calling a billion penalties in a beer league game, the ref took the calculated risk of masking his lack of control over the game by blowing his whistle as much as possible. By calling a ton of penalties under the guise of authority, he not only lost respect from both sides of the ice, but also let the game devolve to the point of goalies throwing haymakers 20 feet out of their crease.

Up next, last game of the regular season: The 300 Footers, again. We are 1-2 vs them this year, with our one win coming in the form of a forfeit. Yes it still counts as a win.

Until necks week.

#SYNO #NeckNation #IsItThursdayYet? 

– Frank

*I lied this entire article and Necks actually lost 5-1. We played like shit and all the plays listed above actually happened in Tiny’s favor. I just said all this to annoy Tiny’s/the thumb.