Sweet Christ Almighty. Slowly but surely we’re getting there. It’s finally August which means it’s officially time to start overthinking anything and everything fantasy football. This summer has been especially tough for me and I’m sure the same is true for many of you Detroit sports fans out there.

We experienced our first summer in 25 years without Red Wings playoff hockey, the Tigers have been out of contending for anything outside of last place since before the All-Star break, and I couldn’t really even name anyone on the Pistons outside of Stan Van and the tall dude with braces so they clearly didn’t accomplish enough this summer for me to even glance over at them.

I need fall sports. I need fall sports gambling (betting baseball is seriously Russian Roulette). I need a reset button on the Wings. And most importantly, I need fantasy football season. Now, I touched on my fantasy football league in my podcast, The Fizz, this week. And by “touched on” I mean I gave a brief history, ran down some team names, and explained where I currently stood in the league. Now, I realize you, the reader of Champagne Athletics might not have the time to listen to some idiot (me) talk into a microphone for 30 minutes at a time, or you’re not THAT dedicated to the site. You’ll like some Instagram’s and maybe peep an article or two if the headline piques your interest, but you’re not balls deep to the point where you’re going to tune into a 30 minute podcast on a weekly basis by a dude who has zero experience podcasting- FAIR. All fair. The fairest. That is why for you, mild fan, I wanted to put my fantasy football league in writing because (as explained in The Fizz) I believe coverage of my fantasy football league could be entertaining to you, the reader.

So buckle up queers cause here’s the rundown of my 12-Man fantasy football league.

We’ve been running for three years now. I understand that’s soft salad but you have to understand even getting the 12 guys in this league email addresses was an accomplishment in and of itself. It’s like herding cats with us.

I am the commissioner of the league. The name of the league is entitled 12 Males. Creative. We do a PPR, non-keeper, snake draft, 1 QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, 1 TE, 1 Flex, 1 Kicker, 1 DEF, league. Standard AF.

Year one in the league- I was a first year commish- and it showed. HARD. I tried to implement a creative way to where each week you could bet some of your buy-in money for head to head matchups to make each week interesting. It was called “Challenge Money.” It went up in flames and was immediately nixed the next year. Additionally, I compromised the integrity of the entire league by making a trade that essentially handed another kid in my league the championship. The trade you ask? I shipped Antonio Brown ☹️ and Chris Ivory for Randall Cobb, Marshawn Lynch and I think Rishard Matthews. I think I’m wrong on that last one but either way, Marshawn played roughly 2 downs for me, Randall Cobb took a proverbial shit on my sneakers whilst Antonio Brown went for 30 a week and Ivory ended up being like the #2 fantasy back for the second half of the season. My buddy cruised to a championship while I laid down in traffic and everyone else in the league chucked turds at me for being such a fucking novice moron bitch. So basically everyone claims year one has a giant * next to it.

Year 2. Last year. I was determined to not be such an inexperienced pussy willow and show the guys in the league I deserved to be there. Who are these guys I speak of? Well, there is 12 of us. 8 of the 12 went to the same high school. Of those 8, 5 of us went to the same college. There is also a guy from Taiwan in the league. Yes. Like the Asian island. And you might think he sucks based on that fact but I assure you he could tell you where every single member of the Kansas City Chiefs offensive line went to high school. He’s kind of a football encyclopedia. And there is also an ex Big Ten basketball player in there. I don’t even know why I noted that, he’s not cool. Like at all. But I digress. Last year I came in razor focused and this is the media that concluded at the end of the 2016 season.

I was going to edit out my friends’ names in there but ultimately said fuck it because the world needs to know who fell to my sword last year. And yes, the championship trophy for our league is a wood hand crafted hammer of Thor’s.

Last few notes I’d like to share with you here, about 90% of the team’s names change from year to year. I am one of the few who keeps the same team name year in and year out. That name you ask? Frankie Fast Hands. My fantasy alter-ego. How fast are these hands? You don’t want to know. But my team name is hardly enough to provide any entertainment value, but my other friends. Whoa. They change from year to year and every year there are a few names you just look at and go “wow.” Here was last year’s list in order of finish:

1. Frankie Fast Hands (me)
2. Parmesan On The Puss
3. Omar The Tentmaker (his name isn’t Omar and he’s never constructed a tent)
4. I’m here 4 the gang bang 
5. Build The Wall (a direct opposition to the friend in the league of Mexican decent)
6. LIN Dynasty (Taiwan friend, last name Lin, doesn’t change his name)
7. The Littlest Cugin (there are two cousins in the league, whoever finishes lower than the other one must admit they are the “littlest cugin” (cousin in Italian) not sure if that translation checks out but thats what we go with)
8. LivingToDie DyingToWin 
9. Billy B The Puffer (Name isn’t Billy, William, or anything of the sort. Doesn’t have a B in his entire name)
10. Joey Fat Sack (a spoof spin-off of Frankie Fast Hands)
11. Mr. Buttersworth with a Syrup Dick (your guess is as good as mine)
12. BangBang ChickenNShrimp (anyone seen the Texans’ Hard Knocks? Who cares he came in last)

I will keep you all abreast of updates and we move forward in our 2017 fantasy journey, I hope you all draft spectacular teams and may the fantasy gods be in your favor.

God Speed. 🍾

– Frank