This scorching hot update is brought to you by Fox Hills Chrysler Jeep, Fox Hills Chrysler Jeep…if your vehicle is not from there I want you to go to your room and think about your actions long and hard. And don’t come out of your room until you’ve thought about what you’ve done and how you’re going to act better next time around. Fox Hills Chrysler Jeep.

Hey everyone, yeah, I know this article is late but whatever. I don’t need to give you a reason why or an excuse or anything in between. I enjoyed a nice weekend losing a bunch of football bets, playing Heads Up with my fiance, and taking my dog to the vet. If that makes me Charmin soft that’s FINE by ME. It’s my life and I choose to live it how I damn well please.

Alright sorry that got a little more HEATED than I intended it to. Sorry about the tardiness of this Longnecks update…especially since it’s such a FAAAAAAA-LAMING HOT update…but on Thursday night the Longnecks defeated Troy Metro Agency by the convincing score of 8-4. Yes, you read that correctly. 8-4. And we won our last game 6-2. That’s 14 goals in our last 2 games after putting up barely anything in our first 6 games.

Ha-ppy, Cornerstone, Animal House, Mr. Hustle, Muskie (2), and Man Hands (2), all scored. And they were all very pretty.

This W now improves the Longneck’s record to 3-5, after a very slow 1-5 start. The atmosphere before the game was lively, the boys were very excited to play. Feeling good after beating the defending champions the week before, an executive decision was made that it was going to be a “beers on the bench” type of game, and boy was it.

In the last couple of weeks the Longnecks have had the absolute pleasure of having Muskie and Vulture show up completely wasted for the game. Like eyes going different directions drunk. Off the opening draw of the game Vulture took a spill so hard that it looked like he actually tripped on a Mario Kart banana peel. We referred to him as “the drunkest man in the world” the entire game. He reminded me of this viral youtube video:

We also learned that Muskie eats beans before every game. He said he’s a big Bush’s Baked Beans guy. I am unsure if he opens the can and heats the beans up or if he literally shotguns the beans out of the can using his keys like a crispy tall boi during a Lions tailgate. Neither answer would surprise me. The big takeaway here is that Muskie was wasted and crushes beans like 6 days a week. This is the kind of guy you need on your team. Last week he was shitfaced and threw himself headlong into a scrum screaming in tongues that caused the a player on the other team to drop his mitts and draw an extra penalty, giving us a powerplay. That’s the kinda stuff you can’t teach. That real shitfaced bean crushin’ gusto. That fuckin’ fifth of whiskey talkin’ dog bean speakin’ kinda moxy. I love that shit and we’re lucky to have a guy like Muskie on the squad to say the least. Did I mention he scored 2 goals as well last game? Hard celly on the second. Hard. Drunk. Celly.

In addition to the offensive explosion that happened last Thursday, the Longnecks also decided to extend an offer to a reoccurring substitute on the team, we will call him Professor Puck. PP for short. Professor Puck has proven his fortitude on the Longneck blue line, and his play has spoken for itself, and we couldn’t be happier to grow even stronger with his presence. With the addition of Professor Puck, we were able to move Man Hands, who had been summoned to the blue line for all of last year and most of this year, back up to forward. And it is obviously playing dividends as Man Hands also buried two goals last game.

It was a HELL of a week and the Longneck train is headlong out of the station so if you missed the bandwagon you better catch the fuck up cause it’s going to be a LONG fun ride for the rest of the season.

Game Notes: 

• Mr. Hustle scored a reeeeeeaaaallllllyyyy nice shorthanded goal, picking up a deflected clearing from the Necks defensive zone and using his speed to give himself a clean breakaway, deking right, snapping the opposing goalie’s groin, and burying on the open net
• Animal House had a real nice goal. I kind of forgot how he got where he got but I remember it involving some great moves, and a surface level bury into the back of the net
• Muskie cellied hard after his second goal. Arm up, barreling into the crossbar, and yelling. It was a thing of beauty
• Goalie let in four goals but we still won. So there’s that.
• Man Hands scored two goals and looks as comfortable as ever playing forward
• Mistrail and Hoon missed the game due to separate wedding rehearsals
• I think Hoon lied about his excuse to miss the game
• Ha-ppy has been the most consistent scorer on the team, and that continued as such on Thursday
• Ha-ppy did not shower with us
• Cornerstone scored on a 3 on 1 where he looked off the goalie and the defender and absolutely buried the puck on the poor bastard net minder. It was a BEAUT.

Until NECKS week. #SYNO 🦒🍾

– Frank