LAST NIGHT’S LONGNECK W WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY FOX HILLS CHRYSLER JEEP, IF YOU’RE A WINNER YOU BUY YOUR CAR FROM FOX HILLS CHRYSLER JEEP. THERE’S NO IN BETWEEN. WINNERS GO TO FOX HILLS CHRYSLER JEEP AND LOSERS SO SOMEWHERE ELSE. DON’T BE A LOSER. BE A WINNER. GO TO FOX HILLS CHRYSLER JEEP.

I AM JUICED UP. NOW I TOLD THE TEAM LAST NIGHT I WAS GOING TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE ARTICLE IN ALL CAPS. AND WHILE THREE BEERS DEEP IT SOUNDED LIKE A GOOD IDEA, I HAVE A HEADACHE FROM READING THIS AND I’M SURE YOU MIGHT TOO, SO FOR THE SAKE OF YOU, THE READER, I will chill out.

But, just because we have switched over to normal casing, I do not want you to think for one second that my excitement level has dipped even a tiny percentage. The juice is real.

Team, I have not been in a pregame locker room that electric in a very long time. Animal House and Mistrial both came in hot off bachelor parties in Scottsdale and Las Vegas, respectively. We had a full bench, and the only sub we used for the game was a goalie in place of Goalie, who I think is traveling for work? Again, don’t really know the guy.

Interesting team note, while we were anticipating 9 forwards, and 4 defenseman, we had a very unacceptable NO CALL, NO SHOW out of Asian. Apparently Yao Ming had one too many saki bombs while golfing during the day and decided to tuck his Neck all the way in and miss our game completely. Selfish. He didn’t even answer my call or return my text. He will be sitting his first shift of the game tonight. Yes, tonight. The Longnecks will be playing in their first back-to-back regular season games in team history tonight.

But enough about tonight, let’s recap last night. The boys knew we needed a W, and we came out of the gate flying, scoring two goals within the first 5 minutes of the game. I, yes me, as in Frank the writer of this stupid website, scored an absolute trash panda garbage goal on my first shift of the game. There was a scramble in front that I just relentlessly kept backhanding until it somehow found the back of the net. I went into a embarrassing celly due to my surprise and excitement, and the boys tried to get me to keep the puck…making fun of me. I don’t care, they, and everyone else, can eat my ass. A goals a goal.

Minutes later, the undoubtedly buzzed-up Cornerstone put together a beautiful rush toward the goal that resulted in a big juicy rebound for Mr. Hustle, who cleaned up the trash as well and the Necks were out to a 2-0 lead just like that. But in true Neck form, nothing can be easy, late in the 1st the Mustangs scored on a redirection from the point on power play to make the score 2-1. Then with less than 30 seconds remaining in the period, another tip redirection found it’s way into the back of the Longneck net. After the horn sounded at the end of 1, it was 2-2.

It was disheartening to blow the lead like that, and there was muttled grumblings as we waited for the 2nd to start. Although disappointing, the bench was positive. And it carried through in our play, and a little past the halfway mark of the 2nd, Mr. Hustle broke behind the defense, and was hit with an absolutely beautiful pass from Assassins Creed. Mr. Hustle came in at an angle, and with very little space to put the puck, he buried the nicest goal of the year. An absolute snip show from just inside the circles beating the opposing goalie top shelf. It was spectacular. I, and the rest of the team, was jazzed.

With a 3-2 lead, the Necks played a little too defensive. Looking to prevent goals as opposed to being aggressive, and it lead to quite a few chances and close call for the Mustangs. With 2:08 left in the game, the Mustangs (who are the most penalized team in the league…dirty little fucks, really) took an idiotic penalty in the offensive zone. They pulled their goalie to make it five on five, and after a couple of good opportunities by the Mustangs, Muskie was able to gain control and find the back of an empty net to seal the victory 4-2.

Real talk, it definitely felt like we were going to blow the game. Animal House in a post game interview noted that “if we would have lost that game, it would have broken the locker room.” And I think he’s right.

With this victory it marked the first time Death Threat has ever showered with us. He never used to, but said once we won a game that he would. Yesterday he did and it was glorious. Not so much that he showered, but more so because he was smiling. He was very happy that we won the game, and that’s how I like to see him. So from this moment forward we will be changing the nickname of #91 from Death Threat to Ha-ppy. Congrats Ha-ppy! 

Onto some game notes:

• After each WIN, the team has a shotgun MVP. The team picks the best player of the night and they have to shotgun a tall boi. Last night’s shotgun MVP was non other than 2 goal scoring, Mr. Hustle.
• Cornerstone and Heist were defensive partners, and were both, undoubtedly, crunk.
• Mr. Hustle passed up Ha-ppy as the team’s leading scorer (3 vs 2)
• The Longnecks are the lowest scoring team in the league, with only 8 goals for in four games played
• The Longnecks next game is tonight, vs the 300-Footers, the best team in the league with a 3-0 record who beat the Longnecks week one by a score of 5-2.
• In addition to Labatt’s, there were White Claws present in the post game locker room
• The replacement goalie played awesome, and currently has a better record (1-0) than our full time starter, Goalie (0-3)
• Death Threats new name is Ha-ppy
• Asian missed the game because he drank too much. Not only missed the game, but no call, no showed. He is a shit teammate/friend
• Muskie got robbed what felt like 100 times last night, but with his power play empty netter, expect the flood gates to open
• #championshiporbust is still in effect
• You don’t want to see us come March (playoff time)

See you tomorrow. #SYNO 🍾