I don’t know if I’m late to the game on this one or what the fuck is going on but it was JUST brought to my attention that first baseman, #24, MVP winner, and former Triple Crown Champion Miguel Cabrera is launching a brand of candy that will be available in the Detroit area this weekend. Yeah, re-read that as many times as you need to before it actually sinks in. They are called Miggy’s BitBits and “apparently, they are rice crispies with a coating (chocolate, strawberry yogurt, and some other flavors).” That quote was courtesy of Matthew B. Mowery, (@matthewbmowery), a Tigers beat writer for the Oakland Press.

According to Mowery, this was apparently Miggy’s idea. His plan is to open sales in the Detroit-area, then expand across the Midwest. The candies are currently made in Brazil but have plans to move the operation to Miami once the BitBits factory is built.

This…this is spectacular…in theory. Do I think BitBits will be a big hit? No. Do I think BitBits will taste good? Probably not. Do I really believe that BitBits will be on any shelves anywhere in the U.S. five years from now? Fuck no. Am I hating on Miggy’s new business endeavor strictly because he, arguably my favorite Tiger of all time, blocked Champagne Athletics on Instagram and broke my heart into a thousand pieces? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I just think Miggy can hit the living shit out of a baseball and maybe that’s just like his thing, and chocolate covered rice crispies produced in Brazil might not be. But, on the other hand, if Miguel was going to go into business on anything, it should be candy (or alcohol realistically. That guy can booze with the best of ’em). He is a grown ass man child who by the looks of his belly has chomped down more than a few chocolates in his day. His target market should be kids because he enjoys the game of baseball like one.

But let’s break this candy down.

Name: They are called BitBits and if you’re wondering- I don’t get it either. All I can think of is that Miggy had a team of creative advisors giving him ideas for names and Miggy just kept muttering out the word “BitBits” in broken English.

Advisor: Hey Miguel we got a whole slew of ideas for you here today so hopefully we can present you with something you like! 

Miggy: BitBits

Advisor: Okay, yeah bud, sure! Alright so we were thinking we’d call them Triple Crown Cand–

Miggy: BitBits

Advisor: **looking around** Whyyy does he keep doing that? **nervously chuckles** Alright so maybe not that one, how abo-

Miggy: BitBits

I’m assuming that went on for 3 hours until they just said “fuck it!” and threw their presentation papers in the air and decided to call them Miggy’s BitBits out of exhaustion.

Packaging: Now as far as the actual bag they are in, that’s fine, it’s pretty standard. But looking at the overall art design of the bag, the whole thing feels…how do I put this…um…SEXUAL? Is this just me? First off, let’s check some of the copy on this bad boy. Right away you’re hit with the description Rice Crispies Cover In Chocolatey Fun. I don’t care in what context you put it, if you say something is covered in “chocolatey fun” I’m going to be pointed in the direction of a sexual innuendo. Again, could just me being a sick fuck. But there’s definitely something suggestive with it. I don’t know exactly what it is but you all know it’s there so stop pretending you’re better than me.

The size of the bag is labeled as “Happy Size,” which I’m going to let you do whatever you want with because this article is already too long and I haven’t even unleashed my secret weapon yet which is that god damn smirking crown you see on the bag. You see him? That regal hat with a face like he just fucked your girlfriend? Well…

His name is Chris, and he LIVES in your girl’s DM’s. Seriously, look at that face. Is Chris the Crown just constantly receiving a blow job? Because that’s what his permanent facial expression is telling me. He even has cheerleader broads rocking BITBITS on their chest greeting him as he casually strolls in the room. I’m surprised he didn’t hand the blond in the orange skirt a 20 as he rolled in.

And here is the money shot. No Triple Crown anymore for Miggy. Just Chris the Crown. And his ridiculous chocolate covered rice crispy candy business produced in Brazil but available in Michigan called BitBits. You can bet your ass I’ll have a pack of these sooner than later, and I’m going to promote and review every single flavor, in detail. God Speed Miggy/Chris the Crown. #EatEmUp 🍾

– Frank

PS – Miggy for the love of god will you please unblock @champagneathletics on Instagram? I’m losing weight over the anxiety this is giving me. Love you mean it thanks.