Well team, we made it. We’re finally here. The 2017 NFL regular season kicked off last night and I couldn’t be happier about it. Last night I lathered my entire body in KY warming gel and heated up a giant plate of Tostino’s pizza bites right around the time the Patriots’ first possession took place. I was fucking ITCHING for action but I felt Patriots -9 was too big of a spread so like the sick fuck that I am I decided to tease them with a Sunday game, taking Pats -3 and Atlanta on Sunday -.5. HOW’D THAT WORK OUT FRANK?!? GREAT START TO THE FOOTBALL BETTING SEASON JACKASS. Additionally Gronk and Brady did almost nothing to help me on my fantasy squads. I’m glad football is back but that is NOT the way I wanted to start the year betting/fantasy wise.

If you’re a Lions fan and don’t understand the relevance of this picture, you’re fucking up. Click here to find out what this means.

But that isn’t why you clicked the article.

Let’s move on to the fucking Lions. Our fucking Lions. The reason they are our FUCKING Lions can not simply be answered in one article or by one person. Everyone has their reasoning for why the Detroit Lions have devolved into the FUCKING Lions throughout their life, but we can take a quick peek in the rearview mirror to last year if we want some quick reasoning as to why they are the Fucking Lions. Sitting at 9-4 last year, the Lions had a two game lead on the NFC North with three games remaining on the schedule, New York Giants, Dallas, and Green Bay. Detroit, in a completely unsurprising move, decided to drop all three, hand the division to the Packers, back into the playoffs, then proceed to get their tops lopped off by an underachieving Seattle team. Yay! But that’s all behind us now, and we can now look moronically optimistically ahead to the 2017 campaign where we now have the highest paid player in NFL history, a 100 million dollar+ renovation to Ford Field, and brand new badass fucking jerseys- seriously, I love the jerseys.

In addition to all the bells, whistles, dollars, and uni’s, the Lions also have something else for 2017- one of the hardest schedules in the NFL. With the exception of two games vs the Bears and the gift of a home game vs the Browns, the Lions are going to have to bring the heat every week in order to remain in the playoff picture. But let’s dive into it.

Week One: Home vs the Arizona Cardinals. 

Now I have a luke-warm take on the schedule and record that if the Lions are able to win this first game- it will set the tone for the entire season and will ultimately decide if the Lions are going to the playoffs in 2017 or not. Arizona finished 7-9 last year in a very disappointing campaign. Leaving many Cards fans extremely disappointed due to their mild Super Bowl aspirations last year. So I believe AZ comes out with something to prove this year, Bruce Arians is a great coach, and has a lot of talent out in the desert, expect them to bring the heat. That being said, the Leo’s are pretty good at home, and if I’m being moronically optimistic about the season yet again. I got them winning a nail biter week one, with my boi Matty P kicking a 43-yarder as time expires to win it. Final: Detroit 27, Arizona 24. (1-0)

Week Two: @ New York Giants

The NFL should be shot. I don’t get how we can play the same teams outside of our division in the same place in consecutive years. I understand their is an algorithm of how it happens but like come the fuck on, we shouldn’t have to play the New York Football Giants two years in a row in NY. But here we are. This time it will be warmer weather, but it will also be Odell’s first week of action, assuming he misses week one. It’s a tough place to win, and even on try number two in two years, Detroit falters. Final: New York Giants 23, Detroit: 10 (1-1)

Week Three: Home vs Atlanta Falcons

I truly believe Atlanta will not come out as world beaters and have a repeat of last season’s convincing run. It is tough to put together consecutive years with the success they had last year, and unless you’re the Patriots, it rarely happens. But with that being said I think Atlanta has too many weapons on offense and they also call a dome, home, so they will be verrrrryyyyy comfortable whooping Detroit’s ass in the freshly renovated Ford Field. Final: Atlanta 31, Detroit 13 (1-2)

Week Four: At Minnesota Vikings

I think the Bears absolutely stink, and I don’t think the Vikings are anything special either, but division games, especially on the road, are nothing to sneeze at. I think in order for the Lions to be successful they NEED to win 3/4 from Chicago and Minnesota, which is why this week four matchup is a big one, even so early in the season. Starting 2-2 will be considered a success on the season and the Minnesota game will be a must-win of the first four games that features Arizona, NYG, ATL, and Minnesota. The boys will even up their record in this one. Final: Detroit 24, Minnesota 17 (2-2)

Week Five: Home vs Carolina Panthers

Carolina, much like Arizona, will come out with something to prove this year. After their 2015, 15-1, Super Bowl runner-up campaign, the Panthers had a very lackluster 2016 going 6-10 and finishing last in the NFC South. They are better than that, and play in a very competitive division. That being said this will be a statement game for both teams looking to get moving in the right direction to a +.500 season. I think the crowd shakes Ford Field, rattles Cam, and he has a terrible game. The Lions defense comes alive and scores not one, but two defensive touchdowns and handles the Battle of the Big Cats in the Motor City. Final Detroit 38, Carolina 14 (3-2)

Week Six: @ New Orleans Saints

WHYYYYYYYYYYY IS THIS A THING? This is not the second, but THE THIRD TIME IN A ROW we’ve played AT New Orleans. Who let this happen? This should NOT be a thing. 1. It’s insane that we are playing the Saints three years in a row and 2. It’s completely MIND BLOWING that ALL THREE GAMES have been at the New Orleans Mercedes Super Dome. Now I was at the game in 2015 and boy let me tell you I don’t remember a god damn thing. I couldn’t tell you the difference between the refs, my friends, a male escort, or Matthew Stafford. It was at the end of a four day bender that I’m pretty sure took a piece of me I’ll never get back. What does this have to do with football, Frank? The answer is fucking NOTHING, but the Lions are 2-0 in both those stupid games we played at Nawwlins and I don’t think anything fucking changes. Fuck the NFL for this scheduling and go Lions, keep owning the Saints in their own barn. Final: Detroit 34, New Orleans 27 (4-2)

Week Seven: Bye Week

Week Eight: Home vs Pittsburgh Steelers

Now at this point in the season everyone will be losing their fucking minds over the Leo’s. After a slow start that had everyone screaming SOL, the three wins in a row will have Lions’ nation dumping Honolulu Blue Koolaid all over their loved ones in preparation for the first Detroit Super Bowl appearance in franchise history. And coming out of the bye with a home game against one of the NFL’s current best and most storied franchises fans will be calling this a statement game to show that the Leo’s are a formidable squad. And the more hype there is, the worse our record generally seems to trend. Detroit will blow a chance to improve their record at home out of a bye, as they will have no answer for all of Pitts offensive weapons. Final: Pittsburgh 24, Detroit 16 (4-3)

Week Nine: @ Green Bay 

The Lions can’t win in Lambeau. They have legit won there one time in the like the passed millennia or some shit like that. The Packers like it there, the Lions hate it. It’s not comfortable like our warm, soft, or welcoming renovated Ford Field. I have the Leo’s down for a SUPER loss in this one. On the road at Green Bay with a chance to avoid dropping down to .500- ohhhhhh yeah. We’re fucked. Rodgers might throw for 400 in addition to laying his big long Packers shlong on our secondary’s heads. Final: Green Bay 41, Detroit 13. (4-4)

Week 10: At home vs Cleveland Browns

Ohhhhh NFL as much as I fucking hated you for putting us in New York and New Orleans in consecutive years I must commend you for this gem smack dab in the middle-ish of our schedule. After getting our dicks kicked in out in Wisco, our Leo’s can come home, lick our wounds and absolutely rumble dump all over the Cleveland Browns. God bless the Cleveland Browns honestly. Because if there were no Cleveland Browns, the Detroit Lions would be the Cleveland Browns. Make sense? Well, no matter which way you look at it, the Browns stink up down and all around. Their team name is the BROWNS. That’s the color of poop, you guys. How can you possibly get excited to play for a team whose entire logo and color scheme looks like this:

Yum. I’m positive this team will see no success until they rebrand the entire fucking team. Stop with the orange, brown coloring and your helmet as your logo. Plus, just change the fucking name. Sorry guys, uhhhhh we’re gonna smokem: Final: Detroit 38, Cleveland 9 (5-4)

Week 11: @ Chicago Bears

Riding high with emotion after picking on the basement of the NFL, the Lions will continue the trend of beating up on the bottom dwellers of the NFL when they head to Chicago for the first of two matchups vs their inter-division rival. I expect Chicago to be in complete flames at this point in the season. Mix that up with a Detroit team trying to make a playoff push with emotions riding high after a Browns W, I have Detroit winning, but not in the most convincing way you might think. They always struggle in Chicago, even when they win. Final: Detroit: 17, Chicago: 14 (6-4)

Week 12: home vs Minnesota Vikings

Now right here is where you get your Fucking Lions. The Lions we have come to know and hate. Sitting at 6-4 with a real shot to move themselves into the NFC North contending picture they get a game at home vs the mediocre Minnesota Vikings. A game that by all that is holy they should win. But guess what? They won’t. This is a CLASSIC Detroit letdown game, and boy will we ever be let down. Emotions will be running high before this one, and like taking a needle to the Goodyear Blimp we will all be drunk and completely deflated by about four o’clock on Sunday. They will lose in some stupid Fucking Lions way too, by like a blocked punt out of the back of the end zone for a safety with 3 minutes left. Final: Minnesota: 16, Detroit: 14 (6-5)

Week 13: @ Baltimore Ravens

I’m predicting this game to one of the most boring games of the NFL season. I think there is absolutely nothing exciting or mildly amusing about the Baltimore Ravens. With Flacco at QB, aging possession receivers around him and Danny Woodhead at RB I’m actually falling asleep talking about it right now. This game is gonna suck. There will be 932 punts in it and it will essentially boil down to Prater vs Tucker in a battle of bomb ass field goals. That being said, I think the Lions muscle this one out in overtime on- you guessed it, a Prater field goal. My guess is 55-yards. Detroit: 19 Baltimore: 16 (overtime) (7-5)

Week 14: @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

OH WHATS GOOD JAMEIS. OH HAY MIKIE E HOW YOU LIVIN?! We’re walking into Buc-Town and these Tampa fellas are going to show us their dirty pirate ways. In the most penalized game of the entire NFL season, Detroit will fall in a five-hour match up in which Tampa just steadily steamrolls the Motor City Kitties. Why you ask? Because it’s the law of the Lions, when they have an opportunity to make life easier for themselves, they eat shit and die. Jameis throws for 350 and Big Mike goes for a personal best in receiving yards and the Lions fall to 7-6 with three weeks left to play. Finals: Tampa Bay: 30, Detroit: 15 (7-6)

Week 15: at home vs Chicago Bears 

Just what the doctor ordered, a home game vs the dumpster fire Bears. Teetering on the edge of not making the playoffs, a home gave vs a shit team is exactly what the boys need in the final stretch of the season. The Bears once again show they have a pulse and that the Lions are still miles and miles away from being considered a reliable team, but they eventually pull out the W. Detroit: 24, Chicago: 20 (8-6)

Week 16: @ Cincinnati Bengals 

Is this not shaping up to be the most Lions season on planet earth? With an 8-6 record the Leo’s go on the road to Cincy, whomdst everyone and their mother predicts us to lose the game. But guess what? They don’t. The Lions come out and play a sound game from Q1 to Q4 and shut down the Chin-Cinanti Bengals in their own barn, setting up a showdown for the division at Ford Field for week 17. Final: Detroit 27, Cincinnati 13 (9-6)

Week 17: at home vs Green Bay 

Ohhhhhhhh where have we seen this before? Detroit gets a shot at home vs the Green Bay Packers for the division and chance to finish with double digit wins. Fun fact! Did you know the Lions and Packers play almost the EXACT same schedule? The only difference is we have Arizona and the Giants whilst Green Bay gets Seattle and the Cowboys. Wild right? Well here we are with this glorious opportunity to do something special against every Lions fans most hated team- but guys, this is not the year for miracles. After an electric start for the Lions, the Packers will silently lay us to bed until the game ends with a less-than-entertaining finish. Lions lose the game. Drop to 9-7, and enter the playoffs as a wild card for the second year in a row. From there, I’ll let your imagination decide what happens next. Final: Green Bay 31, Detroit 17 (9-7)

So there you have it squad, in 2000+ words. The Detroit Lions 2017 season, 9-7. Pretty damn typical of what we’ve come to expect out of the boys. Honestly these picks are locks so theres no need to even watch the games this year. But in all honesty as always I hope they shut me the fuck up and go 14-2 scoring the most points in franchise history en route to a Matthew Stafford MVP award and an NFC Championship, but until they do that, I’m a 9-7 believer until shown otherwise. #Forward 🍾

– Frank