Now look I don’t mean to come at you too strong here but I’m riding as high with confidence about my NHL playoff picks as Hilary Clinton was after the Trump pussy-grabbing video leaked. Now we all know how that one ended….

And these picks very well have the same potential to crash and burn just as hard as Hilary’s campaign did…whilst also experiencing some Russian interference.

But you’re not here to discuss politics or campaign strategy- you’re here because it’s one of the best times of the year, NHL Playoffs time. And, being the DEGENERATE gambler that you are, you want some spice on your steak. It’s not good enough to simply just WATCH some of the best hockey of the year and ENJOY the sport and athleticism for what it is, no. You need some SHEETS on the line to really that anxiety level of yours to an all time high.

We all want the green. We all don’t wanna work. So let’s recklessly toss $50 skins we don’t have and watch grown men do their jobs and hope the ones we pick do their jobs better. Good thing you have me, some idiot you may or may not know popping off at the mouth about how this year’s NHL first round playoff picks are an AB.SO.LOOT. LOCK. 🔒

It’s weird putting thought into my picks this year. For as long as I’ve been picking, I’ve just steam rolled the Red Wings to a Stanley Cup Championship and didn’t think twice about it, so it’s a little bit exciting to think it out this year. It’s also kinda nice knowing these picks are 100% correct. SO LET’S GET TO IT.

Western Conference 

(1) Chicago Blackhawks vs (WC2) Nashville Predators 

Let’s not spend too0o0o0o00o0o much time on this one. The Hawks are one of the Wings #1 enemies, but when it comes to gambling, throw your heart out the window- especially when your team is already on the golf course. Too much talent. Too much experience. No question. No doubt. The Hawks win this series in 5 games. 

(2) Minnesota Wild vs (3) St. Louis 

I trust Bruce Boudreau with a team’s playoff success just about as much as I trust that Rogaine I put in my hair everyday will regrow my hair. If you didn’t get that joke- I don’t trust him at all. He’s too fat. He’s too bald. He’s too red. And whilst he may be an absolute WIZARD at the regular season, he’s got about as much playoff magic as the Detroit Lions. The Wild and him couldn’t be a more perfect marriage. All bark, no bite. They lose when it matters, plain and simple. Blues take this series in 7 games. 

(1) Anaheim Ducks vs (W1) Calgary Flames 

The Flames are young, fun, and Canadian team. Outside of Toronto I normally like siding with Canadian teams. Does that make me less American? I don’t know. I don’t what it says about me. Maybe it’s just my nod to the country who gave us the great sport of hockey. I realize I’m saying absolutely nothing about this series and I think I’m going to keep it that way and just hit you with this curveball at the end of this extremely time consuming paragraph. Ducks win this series in 6 because they’re the better team. Lol tricked you fuckers.

(2) Edmonton Oilers vs (3) San Jose Sharks

Yee. Fucking. Haw. I am excited for this series. Sure it’s going to involve some late nights and me not fully waking up at work until around 11am but fuck it! NHL playoffs only happen once every single year and involve roughly like a thousand games. Sharks have played a looottttt of hockey over the last few years and I don’t think they’ll have the juice to beat and upstart Edmonton team 4 games out of 7. And the Oil Rig have some guy named Connor McDavid who the hockey world is chomping at the bit to see in a playoff atmosphere. I’m hoping for a sneaky run out of them. Oilers in 7. 

Eastern Conference

(1) Montreal Canadians vs (W1) New York Rangers

The playoffs are so fucking weird, as I’m watching game one right now between these two, Tanner Glass, who had one goal in 11 games this year buried the first goal of the entire NHL playoffs. And while that is a tempting omen to switch my pick, I’m sticking with the Canadians in this one. I originally said I would be rooting for them due to their acquisition of Steve Ott late in the year. But I don’t know how hot I feel about that now. One word: Price. Canadians in 6.

(2) Ottawa Senators vs (3) Boston Bruins

🚨🚨🚨SOUND THE ALARM🚨🚨🚨 We have an upset alert on our hands. I know Ottawa is the higher seed but check any illegal gambling sports website on the internet and it has Boston as a roughly -220 favorite for the series. IT’S A TRAP. Boston went 0-4 against them this season and I know it’s the playoffs and that doesn’t matter but I sneaky like Ottawa, and their home ice advantage. Ottawa will slow down and frustrate the B’s with their boring ass style of hockey like they have all year. You’re hearing it here- Ottawa takes this series in 6. 

(1) Washington Capitals vs (WC2) Toronto Maple Leafs

Do not overthink this. In fact, don’t even think about it. Washington is looking for an entire entree this playoff season and Toronto is barely an appetizer. Get your brooms ready cause Washington is taking this series in 4. 

(2) Pittsburgh Penguins vs (3) Columbus Blue Jackets

The defending Stanley Cup champions take on a young, exciting team who had a very successful regular season in the Columbus Blue Jackets. The ‘Guins are banged up (in fact as I’m sitting here they seemed to have already lost Matt Murray for at least game one. Not like it matters, his virtual twin skill-wise just fills right in. Next man up. In addition they also have these two guys named Crosby (puke) and Malkin. This will be a blood bath and whoever makes it to the second round 100% will not see the third, count on it. Pittsburgh wins in 7. 

Those are my picks, just a smidgen late. I’ll see you in second round to scream I TOLD YOU SO at all you clowns who decided to pick against me. #lgrw 🍾

– Frank