Happy Wild Card Saturday team, and welcome to the first Action page post in Champagne Athletics sure-to-be-short history. For those of you here reading that AREN’T degenerate sports gamblers, “action” can be summed up by this stellar Urban Dictionary screen shot:

For this inaugural picks section, I’ve brought in one of my buddies for a second opinion for you, the reader, to work with.

DISCLAIMER: We’re not good at this. Sure, we have our moments, but overall we’re just two dudes who like sports a little too much and think we know a little more than we actually do. We have no insider information, play fast, loose, and base most of our decisions strictly on gut feelings and flipping coins. So as always, bet at your own risk. We’ll keep a log of our record so you, the reader, can see just how mediocre we really are.

With that out of the way, here are your 2017 Wild Card Weekend picks.

AFC

(#5) Oakland Raiders @ (#4) Houston Texans

Saturday, January 7th at 4:35pm, NRG Stadium, Houston, TX

Line: Texans, -3.5

Joey: SPARTY ON!! Connor Cook is going to walk into Houston and earn himself the ridiculous pay day that Brock Osweiler just earned. In the worst playoff quarterback match up in history give me the Sparty over the guy who we know isn’t good.

Champagne Selection: Raiders win and cover +3.5

Final: Raiders: 27, Texans: 20

Frank: In the biggest “how the fuck are these two teams in the playoffs?” matchup of the playoffs Mighty Brock “the Cock” Assweiler takes on Connor “I wasn’t voted team captain at MSU even though I started at QB for three years” Cook, in what is undoubtedly, like my degenerate friend said, the worst playoff QB matchup in NFL history. I think it’s a coin flip, and when it comes down to a pick’em, I’ll usually side with the home team.

Champagne Selection: Texans win but DO NOT cover -3.5

Final: Texans: 20, Raiders: 17

 

(#6) Miami Dolphins @ (#3) Pittsburgh Steelers

Sunday, January 8th at 1:05pm, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PE

Line: Steelers, -10.5

Joey: No doubt. Easiest matchup of the weekend. The Curtains blows out the Fins, covers the biggest spread of the weekend and Tone Brown shakes his ASS in the end zone again.

Champagne Selection: Steelers win and cover -10.5

Final: Steelers: 35, Dolphins: 17

Frank: If Le’veon Bell would stop (getting caught) smoking fucking pot and actually start Week 1 not on the sidelines, he would be a legitimate MVP contender. I agree with the above. Pot head, rapist, sideline tripper, and Tone roll at home vs the fraudulent Fins.

Champagne Selection: Steelers win and cover -10.5

Final: Steelers: 31, Dolphins: 10

 

NFC

 

(#5) New York Giants @ (#4) Green Bay Packers

Sunday, January 8th at 4:40pm, Lambeau Field, Green Bay, WI

Line: Packers, -5

 

Joey: Eli Manning is furious he didn’t get invited on the Yacht with the rest of the squad in South Beach. And how badly does Vegas want you to jump on Green Bay? Sweet, they beat the Lions in prime time and won the least exciting Division in football.

Champagne Selection: Giants win and cover +5

Final: Giants: 17, Packers: 10

Frank: Biiiiiiiiiiiiiig swing and a miss you just read. I couldn’t disagree more with that pick. I hate the Packers, I promise. But they win when it counts and Aaron Rodgers is playing like Superman with 4 Viagra in him right now. He’s literally fucking over secondaries at will. Prepare yourself for a home cooked Packers victory at Lambeau on Sunday. Served cold. Ice cold. Just the way the Cheese Heads like it.

Champagne Selection: Packers win and cover -5

Final: Packers: 31, Giants: 17

 

(#6) Detroit Lions @ (#3) Seattle Seahawks

Saturday, January 7th at 8:15pm, CenturyLink Field, Seattle, WA

Line: Seahawks, -8

Joey: I actually like the Lions chances vs the Seahawks more than the Lions vs the Giants. Lions might stink. They probably are terrible….. BUT TODAY THEY FUCKING GET SHIT DONE. Ciara might leave around Matthew Stafford’s arm by the time this ones done.

Champagne Selection: Lions win and cover +8

Final: Lions: 24 Seahawks: 21

Frank: ALL EYES ON TATE. He wants this game more than anyone in that Detroit locker room. And if he can get loose and do his slippery Land O’ Lakes buttery shuffle in Seattle, I think the boys have a real shot. My brain is telling me Seattle blow out but the spell the Lions have casted over me since birth is making my heart scream”FIRST LIONS VICTORY SINCE 1991!!!!” FUCK IT- we’re taking the boys winning as time expires off of the foot of the NFL MVP, Matt “Jesus Take The Wheel” Prater.

Champagne Selection: Lions win and cover +8

Final: Lions: 34, Seahawks: 33

We’re such idiot Lions fans.