Things are weird in America right now. Trump is now officially our president, the Wings are sniffing around last place in the Atlantic, and the NFL has two teams in LA and one reportedly shooting for Vegas.

But amidst all the oddities going on in the sports world and the country in general, we see three familiar faces in the NFL Conference Championship games this weekend in New England, Green Bay, and Pittsburgh….with the not so regular being the “red hot” Atlanta Falcons.

Whoa dick, why the quotation marks around “red hot”? 

I’ll tell you why imaginary disgruntled Falcons supporter, it’s because I don’t understand the unyielding love/dick slobbering Atlanta is getting for only beating a sub-par Seattle team in the Georgia Dome. Okay, destroying*, they DESTROYED a sub-par Seattle team in their own barn. But I’ll use my picks to elaborate.

NFC

(#4) Green Bay Packers @ (#2) Atlanta Falcons

Line: Atlanta -6

Everyone and their mother is screaming ATL from the hilltops, and if I wasn’t a degenerate gambler I would whole-heartedly be rooting for the dirty birdz winning their last game in the Georgia Dome. But I AM a degenerate gambler on a mission from God to bring Vegas to its mother fucking knees. Everyone says Atlanta is hot, and they are undoubtedly the better and more talented team, but Green Bay is HOTTER. They wiped out the Giants in New York and took out mighty Dallas in Jerry World. Aaron “Fuck My Family” Rodgers doesn’t care what you think about him and he’s going to lay his long Californian dong down one last time before heading to Houston to lose by one point to Brady in the best Super Bowl since Rams/Titans in 2000.

Pick: Packers +6 and MONEY LINE. 

AFC

(#3) Pittsburgh Steelers @ (#1) New England Patriots 

Line: New England -6

There is no funny business here. Pittsburgh is going to walk into the jaws of death at Gillette Stadium and take a prison pounding from Brady and the boys. This is another odd scenario for me in that I really love the Pittsburgh Steelers. Le’veon is my favorite player in the NFL and Tone Brown is right behind him. And HC Mike Tomlin looks like he was a member of NWA at one point in his life which is so fucking OG I can’t handle it. I mean, he literally tried to trip a player on a kick return for fuck sake.

If I were to defect from the Lions, the Steelers would be my squad. But the first rule in betting is to bet with your head, not your heart. (Unless you’re at a Wings game on a wild Saturday night and they’re playing the defending Cup champion Penguins and you hammer the god damn Red Wings MONEY LINE like a MFing boss and it hits cause the Wings are the most lit team to every grace God’s green earth.) So in this case, we gotta go with New England. They’re too good and Brady wants nothing more this year than to shove the Lomarbi Trophy right up Roger Goodell’s asshole.

Pick: Patriots -6