The Super Bowl is great for a bajillion different reasons but one aspect I absolutely adore is the level of absurdity of bets (shocker) you are able to take. Options ranging from what color the Gatorade will be, or how many jets will fly over the stadium before the game, to how many dabs will occur on camera. And just like The Bachelor it’s so god damn stupid it becomes kind of intriguing.

The options I listed above are no exaggeration either. I remember 20 minutes before last year’s Super Bowl kick off being on the phone with my buddy screaming “IF CAM (NEWTON) GETS ONE, AND I MEAN ONE FUCKING FIRST DOWN ON THE GROUND, NO CHANCE HE DOESN’T DAB.”

 

Cam did not dab in the game.

But that was last year, this year I surely won’t miss. If you follow my lead, I will guide you along a winning path. So let’s take a look at our 2017 Super Bowl Novelty Prop Bets:

Length of National Anthem in seconds sung by Luke Bryan – from 1st singing note until last note sung:

Over 130.5 (2 minutes ten seconds point 5): -130

Under 130.5 : -110

There is zero need to watch these videos:

BUT if you did watch them, you can see the in the first video Lukie Luke went about 2:00, and in the second he is right around the 1:40 range…either way that’s two unders in my book. But with it being the Super Bowl- this male Southern Bell (?) is going to want as much face time on that camera as possible. So Shake it fo’ Me all the way to Sheet Town Luke.

Over 2:30.5

PS- that first dog shit video of him singing the Anthem at the MLB All-Star game has almost 700,000 views, I guarantee 80% of them came this week. #DegeneratesUnite.

 

Donald Trump total tweets (@realDonaldTrump ONLY) on Super Bowl Sunday- RETWEETS DO NOT COUNT

Over 6.5: -150

Under 6.5: +150

This is real.

Donnie America on the biggest day in ‘Merican history? With the PATRIOTS playing in it?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I wouldn’t be surprised if he was O-coordinating for New England. His fingers will be running SO hot on Sunday Kellyanne Conway might have to turn his shit to private before halftime.

Over 6.5

 

More bets that should just make everyone proud to be an American….

Will any player from either team be kneeling during the LIVE broadcast of the National Anthem:

Players Kneeling:  +550

No Players Kneeling: -990

WHOSE GOT THE STONES TO DROP DOWN TO A KNEE ON SUPER BOWL SUNDAY? The Patriots are immediately out of this race- rocking red, white, and blue, playing under Wild Bill Belichick and along side Trump buddy Brady- forget about it. There’s a better chance Kaepernick gets PT than a Patriot taking a knee.

And honestly, I truly believe the Falcons (and Patriots) are laser focused on winning a Super Bowl, and distractions don’t usually get you a W in the big game. Everyone stays upright for this one.

No Players Kneeling

Scoring player to do Dirty Bird Touchdown Celebration during game

Yes Dirty Bird Celly: +115

No Dirty Bird Celly: -150

See now, FUCK. These are the kind of bets I take because like- I wanna see a Dirty Bird Boogie. But this is exactly what fucked me with a dab last year. Oh, excuse me, here’s the Dirty Bird:

It’s not 100% clear what goes into it but there is some rendition of a jive-ass wing flap and some arms going up and down. Now, you’d think this bet is limited to the Falcons only, but this celebration has been used many times as a taunt to Atlanta by opposing teams.

After seeing that shit- how could you possible as a living, breathing human being go: “Yeah I’m gonna bet that no one does that and actively root against that glorified macherana from happening.” You’re just a sick, unhappy individual. If there was a bet to take dual Dirty Birds before opening kick-off I think I’d take it.

YES. Dirty Bird Celly.

 

Color of Gatorade 1st dumped on coach – If coach receives multiple Gatorade baths, color of 1st bath will be winner – Must be bath for action

“Must be bath for action” has to be the best gambling literature I have ever read.

Gatorade Yellow/Orange: -130

Any other color: -110

White-blue-silver-red-black are the colors of represented by the uniforms of the teams playing in this game, you would think they would go with red or blue for the respective teams, which happened in 2015…

http://kgmi.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/70/files/2015/02/Bill-Belichick-gatorade-620×400.jpg

Which was a giant curveball apparently. I think the Gatorade will be yellow and/or orange on the Patriots’ sideline, and BLOOD RED on the Falcons’ side. Conservative for the guys who have been there, and a wild card red reppin’ the A for the boys who haven’t. So basically…the choice now comes down to you, who do you think will win?

Patriots’ Gatorade Color: Yellow/Orange

Falcons’ Gatorade Color: Red

Frank you’re so pussy why don’t you just pick a winner

Answer: I haven’t decided yet.

 

A player leaves game and doesn’t return due to a Concussion or Concussion Like Symptoms

This is so fucked up.

Player out with a concussion: +150

No player concussed: -200

I mean. What the fuck. So…if you take the concussion bet, are you just rooting for someone to get knocked the fuck out? And not be able to sit in a well-lit room for two+ months? You are. If you take the concussion bet (which I honestly really like the underdog odds on) you have to root against the well-being of a human being.

Deep.

This bets fucked up in the head. Literally. I won’t be touching this one but if you’re dying for an answer, players are going to leave it all on the field Sunday- someones gonna take one off the chin pretty good. I am not saying someones gonna get a concussion but staff should definitely have the cart ready. Damn it.

NO. No lock, no pick, you decide on what you want to do you degenerate bastard. I’m done with this shit, enjoy Super Bowl Sunday. 🍾

 – Frank