So this Sunday the Detroit Lions along with Michigan Cornhole (which I had no idea was a thing) hosted the first annual cornhole tournament at Ford Field. Myself, along with 11 other of my most rowdy, debaucherous friends decided to attend this wholesome event. The price of admission was $150 dollars a team, which guaranteed you two cornhole matches, a tee shirt (which I lost), and a ticket to the Lions home opener in the 300 section vs the Chargers on September 15th.

Going into this, I had no idea it was the first annual event. And I say annual assuming it’s going to be hosted every year but I have no clue what the future plans are for this tournament. So headed into this event, the million dollar question amongst our crew was – “How many people do you think will be at this thing?” And our final answer we settled on was anywhere from 300-700 people, and I honestly thought we could be looking at 1,000. I thought there would be enough people there to place odds on the people watching.

Think about it. Lions fans are insane. Cornhole is such a popular game in the Great Lakes State. Combine the two, schedule it a month out of NFL kickoff, serve beer and I though we’d have ourselves a regular White Trash Bash down at Ford Field this Sunday, July 28th. Like I said above, we brought a crew of 12, and we made up just about 8.5% of the attendance there…and if you don’t feel like doing that math that means there was about 140 people there. 70 teams total. I honestly couldn’t believe it.

They had one concession stand open and the lights in the bathroom were turned off. I can’t make that shit up. They had one concession stand serving two types of beer (Budweiser and Bud Light) and one light in the bathroom was on. I was pretty shocked at the lack of people when we walked in. I think the Lions are missing out on an awesome opportunity here to make a lot of money and fill up a bunch of 300 level seats for the home opener. I spoke briefly with the Michigan Cornhole folks hosting this shindig and they said they got very little help and support from the Detroit Lions in putting this thing on. I mean, the only reason I knew about it was because my buddy sent me a shitty Facebook link and then I peer pressured 11 of my degenerate friends to booze with me on a Sunday.

But the best part of this event being low key was that they had like six Ford Field staff members working the entire thing, so we could basically do whatever the fuck we wanted, and we pretty much did. We “stole” footballs from the locker room and ran red zone routes, we passed the Juul back and forth at the 50-yard line, and best of all we had a photoshoot in the visiting locker room.

Jersey looks weird because ‘stolen’ football is in my jersey

Visiting locker room photoshoot

Juuling at the 50 (and the Turf Dogs are fuckin locked in)

Now that you got a little bit of the lay of the land, let’s discuss the cornhole. My team included myself and episode 29 Fizz guest, Stephen Peck. Our team name was the Turf Dogs.

The team name is an ode to our championship (nbd) grade school flag football team. The uniforms are obviously Detroit Lions black jerseys. I (left) went with Charles Rogers and Stephen (right) has on a Boss Bailey.

There really isn’t much to talk about as we absolutely got our dicks kicked in. We went 1-2 and our one W was a forfeit because the other team was a no show. And the other two games were never close. This was pretty much the theme throughout our entire crew.

We had two teams lose games 21-0. There were some real mean cornholers out there. Some mother fuckers like this…

And while the people watching wasn’t exactly what I had hoped for, we did get one pretty BA tattoo.

And no joke, there was a team there named ‘SHOW ME YOUR BUTTHOLE.’ Not making that up. Not cornhole. Butthole. Show Me Your Butthole. The woman had to announce it every time they won and they won like 4 straight games. It was fantastic. But in all reality of all the folks there this guy stole the show for me.

All white err thang with a wife beater TUCKED IN to his extremely large cargo shorts with the face cheddar and lettuce to boot. THIS was the type of shit I was looking for at every single turn during this thing. And I think if the Lions work a little more with Michigan Cornhole, this could be the 1,000 person White Trash Bash I was hoping for. I mean, Roary wasn’t even there. If Roary isn’t in attendance at a Ford Field Cornhole Tournie, what kind of fucking events does Roary even do?

https://gph.is/g/Zx17LpP

~ Stephen Peck

Big shoutout for whoever had this idea, but it’s time for the Leo’s to embrace this thing and make it a ton of fun. Help Michigan Cornhole out. Open a few concession stands, get a god damn DJ going, invite Roary, and don’t be scared to run a Facebook ad or two to get some noise around this mother fucker…you’ll make out on it, I promise. See you at the home opener. 🍾

– Frank