2019 football season is officially here. And Detroit Lions head coach Matt Patricia is ready to FUCK.

BEEP BEEP FUCKERS WE’RE HERE TO TAKE THE NORTH.

Now I’ve gone full slap daddy this year and truly believe the Lions can win the division for the first time since 1993, but having been a fan of this team for 25+ years I’m also 120% fully prepared to have my heart ripped out, stomped on, and be out of the playoff hunt by October. With that being said, seeing Matty P show up to training camp in the Hefty Hauler, thicc thigh perched up, looking completely broken on day one is not really the omen I was hoping for.

Look at him. He looks like he’s over this season already and we haven’t even hit a full week yet. And what kinda of commanding presence can you have gimped up in the Club Car with a scrunched up ankle sock jammed over your foot covering your tippy toes so they don’t get chilly? He’s better off sitting at home with a camera on him and having a robot iPad meander around the practice field.

I have no idea what happened. Thicc-tricia said he “had some shi-stuff cleaned up back there.” What does that actually mean? Who cares. Doesn’t matter. Our coach is chonk and now he sad. When we’re 1-3 and Green Bay is up 21-3 at half in Lambo week 6, remember this picture.

#forward 🍾

– Frank