Stranger Things Season Three on Netflix absolutely rocked my world and knocked my socks clean off. The cast, the music, the imagery, the insane amount of old school product placement in the Starcourt Mall, and the storyline had me throughly entertained. It’s not easy to keep scary stories going for even a simple hour and a half movie, and to do it over three seasons with amazing character development and plot twists is beyond impressive. Now, if you are used to reading my articles you are probably looking at this going- “this has nothing to do with Detroit, sports, or Detroit sports.” And while I can’t look at you and say that you’re wrong, what I can tell you that I have taken a very sports-based performance approach to putting together these rankings, and if you like Strangers Things and had opinions on who could have maybe done more or who outperformed your expectations…look no further. The following rankings break down each core characters contribution and performance in saving the town of Hawkins, where they really shined, and also severely faltered. Let’s begin at the bottom and work our way up.

14. Will Byers

You hate to see it but Will in the bottom spot is obvious. Even if we ignore the fact that he was acting like a ninny little bitch for the first half the season, dressing up like Gandolf’s scrotum while his best friends were chasing ass, we can’t look past the fact that when shit really started to hit the fan he brought absolutely NOTHING to the table when fighting off Mind Flayers or crawling flesh monsters. His only “contribution” was telling the gang that the monster was present when it couldn’t have been more obvious that monster was clearly present. It was reminiscent of Karen Smith in Mean Girls telling us her boobs know when it’s raining…when it was already raining. And when shit really got spooky, his mommy told him to just stay close to his brother and do whatever he told him to. Tough look. Zero plays made all around.

13. Max Mayfield 

Sure, fun character, showed Eleven there was life outside of Mike, great. Dandy. But when Hawkins came under siege for the third time in under two years she really didn’t do much to push the ball downfield. Her main goal was just to yell at Mike for caring about Eleven too much, and to do everything in her power to keep those two split up in addition to making Lucas feel like shit for everything he did or suggested. Remember when she was crawling up his ass about getting all those fireworks? Did the fireworks come in handy later? Good call Max. Her lone contribution to the whole thing was half-ass wrapping Eleven’s leg in the convenient store and proclaiming to everyone that she know’s what she’s doing because she skateboards. Cool. Even when you thought she was going to turn the tides late in the last episode when Billy came charging at her, her first move was to start spewing out her home address thinking ripping off her zip code would somehow snap him out of being mentally possessed. Instead her own crazed brother just bitch slapped her away like a mosquito on a hot summer night.

12. Mike Wheeler

This one pains me because I think Mike is the man and the glue that holds all the boys together, and with any great team you need great locker room guys. And while he is the clear ring leader of the Fab Four he puts the pussy too high up on the pedestal in his third season. He’s completely entranced by Eleven and that obsession eventually backfires and leads to her dusting him up in front of their friends. He expresses legitimate concerns for Eleven’s load management late in the game, which turned out to be a real concern that no one else seemed to give a fuck about. But outside of that, he got dummied after disrespecting Hopper, panic-lied to Eleven (“I dump your ass”), and got five finger smacked even harder than Max did when trying to protect the one thing he was chasing the entire season. The one thing we can give him props for is smashing possessed Billy over the head with that lead pipe. That was a strong play but I mean come one, he had to do SOMETHING.

11. Joyce Beyers

Most popular actress in the show? Yep. Star of the whole thing? Correct. Lead name solo by itself when the intro music is rolling? You bet’cha. Lacking in physical and mental contributions to the saving of the Town of Hawkins in season three? Most definitely. Hey, don’t get me wrong, arguable MVP candidate in earlier seasons, but in season three her main contribution was to yell about her magnets, ask “where are the kids”, panic, and watch Hopper get the living shit kicked out of him multiple times. Sure, you could make the argument that her yelling about the magnets sparked conversation with Hopper, that lead to them going to the old laboratory where Hopper first (shocker) got his ass kicked by that Arnold wannabe, etc. etc. And yes, her getting Hopper involved was obviously huge, but with Eleven balls deep in everything there is no way he wouldn’t have found out one way or another what was going on. Her biggest actual contribution was using the belt at the end to turn the keys at the same time to shut down the entire operation, which yes, saved the town…but also blew Hopper to smithereens. (Why they had to count to three to turn those fucking keys is beyond me. Just turn ’em guys we don’t need to make a show of this.)

10. Jonathan Byers

Tough outing for the Byers in season three. Sucks. I am a big J-Byers fan. He’s a no-nonsense type a guy. Real lunch pail fella. Just go in there work hard, don’t ask questions and get the job done. But unfortunately his subservient attitude is exactly what reduced him to a mere chauffeur/getaway driver in the latest season. He whined the entire time Nancy tried to tell him some shit was going down (yes, he abided, but reluctantly so), and was siding with the idiots at his job over his girlfriend, rookie mistake. It ended up biting him on the ass from both cheeks- lost his job, and lost the argument to Nancy. You hate to see that. Then when pressure was so high diamonds were being produced, J-By couldn’t have fucked up worse, shoving a dirty-hot mall knife into your MVP’s leg late in the game and not coming out with the flesh demon as a result is unforgivable. I mean it was such a hack job of an attempt to exorcise that little bastard that El had to scream “ILL DO IT MYSELF!” Woof. Now, he was able to put his blue collar ways to use by replacing the ignition cable or whatever (not a car guy) and improvised by having the idea of taking it out of the mall car, but compared to what others higher on this list were able to do, it’s almost forgettable.

9. Erica Sinclair

I’ll start out by saying Erica was BY FAR my least favorite of the core group, but you have to look beyond things like that when evaluating talent, and this sassy little B played and integral role in securing Hawkins as a living community for another season. She was able to not only fit through vents of Starcourt, she was able to successfully navigate said vents and educate how to navigate them later in the show. An absolute locker room cancer, demanding an extremely high asking price of a life time supply of ice cream for her services, and not really in it for the good of humanity…but even with her selfish motives, at the end of the day, she executed her job as it was asked of her. And the great Bill Bilichek always says- “Do your job”, and she did, so for that I commend her with a top 10 spot in season three. Oh and let’s not forget her finding the taser stick weapon thing that Dustin ended up using on a Russian guard to help Steve and Robin escape.

8. Lucas Sinclair

The coolest cat in the world and a loyal teammate through and through, Lucas is a key member that every championship team needs. He’s not the best player on the team, but he far from the worst. A role player who knows his role but is continually looking to take advantage of opportunities as they present themselves. And in season three, he did so in a very physical and athletic way. Three big plays that were absolutely crucial to the teams success. 1. When the cabin was getting smothered by the Mind Flayer, it was pure pandemonium and Eleven’s leg was getting torn apart, while everyone else was standing around holding their respective dicks, Cool Hand Luke improvised- (which he is so good at doing) he picked up an axe and went hacksaw ridge on the Flayer’s arm until that fucker was dismembered, preserving El for the rest of the season. 2. Fireworks. Plain and simple. He saw something he could use to his advantage, and used it- in a HUGE way. 3. My personal fav- the late game slingshot balloon pop. He saw his friends we’re about to be murdered by a gigantic flesh crawling nightmare monster, read the situation, and executed, keeping his friends alive for the remainder of the season. It’s one thing to have the awareness to realize you need to make a play, it’s another to execute. And he did both, flawlessly.

7. Murray Bauman

Closers. You absolutely need them if you’re going to call yourself successful. And Murray was one of those late season acquisitions that was the final piece of the puzzle to make sure the crew got this thing done. Think of the ’04 Pistons gettin Rasheed. The team was really good, but it needed one more piece to be absolutely great- that was Murray Bauman. The guy spoke fluent fucking Russian, which the team was sorely lacking- to say the least. He was the closer every World Series team needs to clinch the final out in pressure packed moments. Without a guy who could translate what Smirnov was saying, the operation was dead in the water. And like every championship addition, he went above and beyond his role of hideout house and translator… he got dirty in the trenches fucked with wires, crawled through vents, and even dressed up like a full blown Russian. His only major flaw was bringing Smirnov into the ring of fire (the fair) and hanging him out to dry for some deep fried tube steak (corn dogs). But overall Bald Eagle did wayyyyy more right than wrong.

6. Robin

Robin, first off – sup? I mean talk about an absolute rock star of an off-season acquisition. We knew there might be some new characters in season three but who would have thought we’d get this absolute gem. Not only could this no-nonsense red head slang scoops with the best of them, she also CRACKED A SECRET RUSSIAN CODE USING NOTHING BUT AN 80’S DICTIONARY. Are you kidding me? No internet, no iPhone, no problem. Just a smart gal who understands the gift of gab no matter what language you’re feeding it to her. Not only did she figure out what the code translated to in English…she was able to put together what the nonsense sentence meant. Oh, and let’s not forget on a moments notice she dipped out on work to go snag Starcourts blueprints to better understand the ventalation system and how to access the secret room. On top of cracking codes and being a key piece to discovering the underground Russian lair, she was also awesome to do drugs with. Oh, and did I mention, she had absolutely no problem spitting in the crazy Russian lieutenant’s face AND going full shit talk on him? Just fucking fed him his lunch while tied to a chair stoned out her mind. Laughed in his face. That’s the kind of confidence you need heading into the late stages of a run. She was fantastic, but after getting high, outside of being the most down ass chick I’ve ever seen, didn’t really do much to fight off the impeding doom that was terrorizing the town. In addition, there is absolutely nothing in the world wrong with being a lesbian, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed that she was straight lez when Steve took his shot late. I was ready for those two to ride off into the sunset/makeout after puking.

5. Nancy Wheeler

If you had any doubts about who wore the pants in the Nancy/Jonathan relationship, those doubts were quickly put to rest after season three. Nancy “The Bulldog” Wheeler dealt with your typical case of mid-80’s misogyny in the work place at a relentless clip; constantly being called names, pranked, and fucked with. But that didn’t stop her from chasing the big story. She took a risk on herself and it payed off. By bossing Jonathan around, visiting Mrs. Driscoll’s house, and then in the hospital, she was able to confirm with Will, Eleven, and the gang that the Mind Flayer was definitely back and present in Hawkins. But even beyond her dogged approach to finding out the truth for the good of her hometown, she was an absolute commander and chief when it came to the battle scenes with the kids. The older sister took over in her in a big way, did you guys notice in almost every “fight” scene she was the one wielding the heavy artillery? In Hoppers cabin, in the mall, in the parking lot, she was burying holes in the Mind Flayer at every turn. And was even firing away at Billy as he sped full force at them in the Starcourt parking lot. Now, sure, if she had better aim she wouldn’t have needed to have been bailed out by…

4. Steve Harrington

https://gph.is/g/Z5kol23

Now a little bit of bias goes into this one because Steve ‘The Hair’ Harrington is by far my favorite character in the series. The guy is an absolute floor general, a born leader, the more pressure packed the situation gets, the more this guy steps up. Tough start to the season as we see this lovable luscious locked post-high school teen working at Scoops and striking out left and right with the chicks. But where Steve really shined was once the team of him, Robin, Dustin, and Erica made it into the hidden Russian lair. Without Steve the team would have been lost and probably murdered. He lead the entire charge through the hidden space, kicking a couple asses in the process. Now sure, he got captured, the shit kicked out of him, and drugged…but what he didn’t lose was his composure (kinda). He took those licks off the chin and said thank you sir could I have some more. And can we PLEASE revisit the greatest defensive play we’ve seen since Tayshaun in the 2004 Eastern Conference Final?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msrEUNa63HQ

Nancy. Jonathan. Lucas. Will. ALL DEAD….if it weren’t for the Pontiac Game Changing Performance put on by Steve. This is what I mean when I say Steve is a born leader. He’s got Dustin and Erica to the top of the hill for radio communication, realized his job was done up there, and knew he had to get back to Starcourt to help the squad out- and boy did he. So let’s recap. Without his navigation in the Russian lair we’d most likely have a dead Robin, Dustin, and Erica…and without his situational awareness late in the game we would have a dead Nancy, Jonathan, Lucas and Will….at best paralyzed. That’s half the fucking team! Steve you’re my boy. And low key you can see how Nancy and Steve used to date as they both are born leaders and take control of the situations they are in at a moments notice.

3. Dustin Henderson

Dustin’s performance in season three is arguably the most well rounded and impactful of the then entire core team. Let’s take a look his long list of contributions that lead to this unprecedented championship run. He first discovered the Russian signal with his big ass camp radio, which obviously sparked discovering the entire hidden Russian lair, he escaped said Russian lair and came back for Steve and Robin to successfully rescue them and bring them back to safety. In addition to all of that, this was the only guy of the Fab Four who had his eye on the prize the entire summer. While Mike and Lucas were lost in the sauce of having their first girlfriends, and Will was crying whilst masturbating to Dungeons and Dragons, Dusty Bun did what the crew is supposed to be doing, and that’s discovering weird shit, asking questions they shouldn’t be asking, and sticking their nose in shit they have no business sniffing around in. It was a strong contribution of brains and discovery in addition to physical plays, remember him tasing the Russian guard? The radio tower opened Pandora’s Box (in a good way), then eventually was the pivotal piece in shutting said box when he buzzed up Suzie Poo and got Plank’s Constant. Nice work Dustin. But now it’s time to grow some fucking teeth. I’m over the gums.

2. Eleven 

I mean, where should we start? Hucking cars and trapping possessed Life Guards? Maybe we could talk about the hospital beating she dished out on a crazy murderous local journalist to save Nancy’s life? Actually no, we’re going talk about when SHE TORE THE MIND FLAYERS FACE IN HALF which is probably the top highlight from the reel she put together in season three. An absolute electric factory. Not to mention her being able to find people and discover hidden locations at the drop of a hat. And, we’ve all heard it before, hard work beats talent when the talent doesn’t want to work hard. El could have done whatever the fuck she wanted and stopped using her powers all together if she damn well pleased. But El’s a ride or die for her squad. She worked herself literally to the point that her powers were out of commission by the conclusion of the series. And let’s not forget the poetry she dished out to Billy when she was facing certain death. She whispered the words he needed to hear to find himself and ultimately save her life….way better than the street address approach Max took an hour prior. Now, you’re sitting there thinking- what in the fuck is she doing at number two on this list? She’s the clear #1! and you know what, you’re not wrong. But in runs like this where every move is crucial and every misstep could be your last, you have to really nitpick some things…and for Eleven, it’s the fact that she was the entire reason the core team was completely under siege by the Mind Flayer. Its prime carnal desire was to kill/possess Eleven. Literally Billy slapped away Mike and Max just to get to her, he didn’t even waste time murdering them. Now is this El’s fault? Probably not, but it’s enough to drop her out of the top spot for season three.

1. Jim Hopper

Moment of silence for the Chief.

No superhuman powers here, just pure grit. An absolute display of determination and will. No one out there wanted it more in season three than Jim Hopper. Hopper’s one desire in life is to make the Town of Hawkins a safe place to live and raise a family, and he’s not going to let anyone get in the way of that. Not Russians, demogorgons, mind flayers or even shitty politicians. He got the living piss beat out of him like three times in the same 12 hour span and just kept coming back for more. After getting his shit kicked in at the abandoned laboratory, there was no stopping Hopper. He roughed up the town’s mayor, muscled his way into land documents to discover the Russian’s properties, discovered one with a hidden lab in it, captured a Russian scientist, brought him to a Russian speaking ally (Murray), then called the scientists fucking BLUFF after being DISRESPECTED. Are you seeing the theme here? If you disrespect Hopper he will FUCK you UP (right Mike?). I really thought Smirnov was going to drive away given the opportunity, but shame on me for doubting season three’s MVP. Doing all that lead to them discovering what in the fuck the Russian’s were trying to do, which was to open the Upsidedown. Hopper shows up at Starcourt just in the nick of time to get the necessary information on how to nav their way to the underground lair and shut off the Upsidedown opener gun. When true champions get close to their ultimate goal, they tend to leave no doubt, and that’s exactly what Hopper did. The second Joyce, Murray and he got to the underground lair, they were immediately discovered and Murray tried to talk his way out of it…but Hopper knew this late in the game there was no time to mince words, so he shredded them with an AK and took their uniforms. The only error Hopper made during this whole ordeal was counting to three when shutting off the Upsidedown gun. Why in god’s name did he have to dramatically count to three? It led to another ass whopping from the Russian, but this time, Hopper would win by shredding Wannabe Arnold’s head in the Upsidedown gun. Trapped, he realized this was it, and in order to ultimately save the town he loved so much, he had to sacrifice his own life. Unbelievable. *A lot of people think he’s still alive and I tend to agree with that theory. 

Honorable Mention: Billy Hargrove

Now sure this guy is the ultimate douche bag prick that scares the living shit out of underclassman. And yeah he tried to fuck some guys wife. And YEAH he did turn into an actual monster, try to kill Eleven, bitch slap around his own sister, and kill a good, large handful of people BUT in all fairness, he was possessed by a Mind Flayer. It’s tough to blame a guy who has had his mind and body completely overrun by a mysterious evil entity released on his hometown by the Russians. So if we can ignore all that, let’s focus on the one play he did make…and no I’m not talking about when he made Mrs. Wheeler flood her new bathing suit, I’m talking about when Eleven helped him come to his senses and he legit saved her life.

That play was what was we like to call “huge” and without it Eleven would be dead to rights. So there’s your honorable mention Billy.

I spent way too long on this one so for those of you who made it down this far, I appreciate you. I just really fucking like Stranger Things. I like them so much I even bought these sweats.

– Frank