This article is presented by Antonio’s Italian Cucina

It’s summer time in Michigan; and while I, a Michigan expat, must suffer the absolute hellscape that is summer in Atlanta, my friends and family in God’s Country get to enjoy the best time of the year in the mitten state. Summer in Michigan is a sacred time- the sun stays out late, the temperature is perfect, and if you have the great privilege of working a job that doesn’t suck complete ass, it’s more acceptable to take random afternoons/days off to enjoy all this wonderful state has to offer. As Michiganders, we love to glaze everything home-grown, (still waiting for every Detroit Red Wings prospect to turn into a hall of famer- looking at you Cossa and Buchelnikov) but the summer up north is something that even southerners speak glowingly on. Regardless of your favorite activity to do in the summer, there is one thing(s) that enhances nearly every outing or event:

 

Beers.

 

Not every beer is created equal in the summer. It is essential that a summer beer be light enough that you don’t feel like a disgusted, sweaty, bloated mess after three or four; yet, a high enough ABV that you’ll catch a steady and decent buzz. In the words of Jim Lahey (RIP), you want to be “sober enough to know what I’m doing, and drunk enough to really enjoy it.”

For me, my go-to is Miller Lite. There’s comfort in the fact that “hey, I can drink about 14-16 before I become a problem”. I like having that buffer. As a WMU graduate, I have a soft spot for Bell’s, and especially for Oberon- which is the Official Beer of Michigan Summer- but after like 4 or 5, you’re pretty much fully drunk and things often take a turn for the worst, especially if you’re out on the lake or the golf course. This applies to any of those adjacent summer beers: Blue Moon, Summer Shandy, etc. You want to avoid anything that is going to give you a headache after multiple: the name of the game is sustained drinking. Basically, you want to go with domestic, light beers: Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Bud Lite, etc. If you’re feeling like you’re in a NAFTA mood, you can also go with Labatt, Moslon, or Corona; although, I’ve been pretty big on Modelo’s lately, so that would be my official endorsement if you want to extend beyond American borders. Now that we’ve established what type of beer is acceptable for summer beers, let’s start ranking some summer beers.

 

Roadie Beers

OFFICIAL CHAMPAGNE ATHLETICS DISCLAIMER: DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE.

There is a special moment when you’re about an hour and forty-five minutes into your drive up north- to the cabin, lake house, beach house, whatever- when you think, “you know what? Let’s crack a roadie”. The key with the roadie is just to give yourself a little tease; not start slamming them 15 minutes into the road trip. There’s a lot that could go wrong otherwise: you’ve gotta take a piss, you miss your exit because you’re fucking around with your friends and having fun- life is all about moderation. It’s like going to the strip club: you just want a little grinding action, not blowing a full load in your pants. The roadie beer feels like the shedding of your corporate, 9-to-5 skin, and slipping into something a little more sensual for the weekend that awaits you.

 

Outdoor Concert Beers

 

A summer concert is a great thing. There’s nothing quite like laying down the blanket or setting up lawn chairs, hitting your pen, and listening to whatever jam band or country music star you’re into these days. The thing that makes all of this better? You guessed it. A couple of tall boys to go with it. What holds this beer from going higher (lower?) on the list is that concert beers are so goddamn expensive. Like 14 dollars for a domestic tall boy? And then a tip on top of it? And then I have to walk all the way to the bathroom after it? There’s a lot of drawbacks to this beer, unfortunately. But anytime you can mix music and alcohol, you’re guaranteed to have a good time.

 

Tigers Game Beers

 

Very similar to the outdoor concert beer is the Tigers game beer. Unfortunately, many of the same criticisms still apply: expensive, constantly tipping (no slight against the hard-working men and women in the concession stands), etc. But, there’s an element of romanticism involved in the Tigers game beer that elevates it beyond the outdoor concert beer: having a beer, peanuts and hot dog at the ball game in the summer is about as American as it can get. I’m not an overly patriotic person by any means, but I imagine baseball, beer, peanuts, hot dog, and (cigs) putting their ringed fingers in a circle like the intro to Captain Planet, and I emerge on the back of a bald eagle with a revolver, ready to defend Comerica Park from terrorists, commies, and White Sox fans. 

 

Lake Beers

 

Full disclosure on this one: I am not a huge boat guy. I don’t get sick or anything like that, but I feel very confined on a boat, primarily for one very childish reason: Peeing in a lake freaks me out. I’m like that waiter who can’t piss in public places from Waiting– I feel like everyone is watching and knows that I’m peeing, even though 99.9% of them are doing the exact same thing, probably at that exact same moment. However, one summer in college I went to Torch Lake with a bunch of my friends because one of our friends lived in some little town on that lake, and my God was it an absolute blast. I think I heard “Like a G6” on a JBL Flip speaker no less than 12 times that day, which for you youngsters, was the drinking National Anthem in the 2010’s. Since those glorious days, my friend has told me that police have cracked down more on blatant drinking on that lake specifically, but I hope that everyone can experience at least one day of Lake Beers in their life.

 

Golf Beers

 

Michigan is a sneaky state for quality golfing; as someone who golfs regularly in the South, the luxury of being able to take a tee-time at nearly any point in the day is severely underrated. Here in Atlanta, you’re basically fucked if you don’t tee-off by 10:00am because it’ll be about 98 with 85+% humidity by the time you reach the turn. Golf beers are glorious because they’re a built-in excuse for your sorry ass golf game. 

Are you playing shitty sober? 

Have a few beers, it’ll help you calm down. 

Are you playing like shit now that you’re drinking? 

Well yeah, I’m just out here to have a good time. Why are you such a try-hard? 

See this logic? You can never lose.

 

Admittedly, now that I am in my 30’s, drinking on the golf course is something that I do less and less of, not for any noble reason, but for the simple fact that the older I get the more I have to focus on being able to physically perform in a way that isn’t embarrassing to my entire bloodline. This past weekend I played 18 and it was cart path only; I thought I was going to die by the 13th hole. My calves still are sore, and it’s been two whole days. But, if you are able-bodied, there is nothing better than beers while golfing. As Tony Soprano says, “Thank God for golf some days.”

 

Restaurant Patio Beers

 

Now that the weather is nice, the patios on all your favorite restaurants are open, which means less waiting and more drinking. I love outdoor seating at restaurants. COVID and social distancing sucked, but one good thing to come out of that whole time period was the investment in outdoor seating. The key to sitting on the patio is obviously navigating the sun- you don’t want to sit directly in the sunlight nor do you want to have it shining in your face the whole time you’re trying to eat. But posting up at a patio with a group of friends, sharing stories, ordering apps, and slamming down domestic light beers? There is simply no better way to maximize the restaurant experience. Side note: the best type of restaurant to do this at is definitely a Mexican place. A couple of Modelos with lime, chips, and salsa/queso is probably what I would eat if I were granted my last meal on death row.

 

Campfire Beers

 

Now we’ve started to reach the pinnacle of this list. Campfires are the best part of summer, especially after a long day outdoors on the beach of the lake. I’m a huge S’more guy, but even better than a S’more are 8-10 domestic light beers; the type of beers where you don’t even realize how many you drank until you look down at your lawn chair and go “oh, shit”, and then you stand up and it all kind of hits you at once. Campfires lend themselves to story-telling and general shit-talking, and there’s nothing that helps that out more than drinking, although more often than not, I’ve found that campfire that starts off with some light-hearted drinking usually turns into passing around a bottle of some sort of dark-colored liquor: which is totally fine and beautiful in its own way, but prevents Campfire Beers from being number one on this list. That is reserved for..

 

Grilling Beers

 

There is simply nothing better than grilling out and drinking beers. I love it so much. I’m a Big Green Egg guy, and the beauty of charcoal is that it forces you to slow down and really enjoy the process of cooking. My wife, who is a fantastic baker, is generally adverse to grilling because of the open flame, so she defers to me on anything related to the grill. Spending an hour and a half outdoors to cook a flank steak? Sure, why not. A full six-pack just to cook some burgers? You bet. The world of grilling is a complete world on its own- just look up “barbecue” on YouTube and you’ll be inundated with countless guys and their multi-million view videos, and unanimously, all of them endorse drinking while grilling in some way. Surely they must be onto something. Plus, grilling and drinking is the ultimate LIFE-HACK because while you are sitting there catching a nice summer buzz, you’ve created a delicious meal for you and your loved ones to enjoy.

So, there you have it. This is the definitive list of Summer Beers: all other lists are false and wrong. If you can think of any beers I left off, let me know in the comments section, and as always, please drink responsibly.