Well team, we have arrived. The 2019 Longneck season is upon us. Tonight, around 10pm the Longnecks take on the Whalers at Hazel Park Arena for their first game of the 2019-2020 season.

But before we get started with ANYTHING I am contractually obligated to note our 2019-20 sponsors. We are very, very fortunate to have so many dedicated sponsors this year. We have so many sponsors our tarps are starting to resemble Euro jerseys.

2019-2020 Nexus Longnecks Official Sponsors: 

Nexus Spine & Sport: Our lead sponsor this year, brought to you by an actual member of the team – he’s a doctor. We did it. We finally have a doctor and a lawyer on the team. This was one of our main goals from the start and not only did we achieve this milestone but we also got so much support from our new defenseman/doctor that we awarded him the naming rights. We are officially the Nexus Longnecks and are proud supporters of Dr. Annas and his non-surgical approach to performance and injury management.

Zim’s Vodka: By far and away the most exciting sponsorship on the jersey. Zim’s Vodka is the Official Vodka of Hockey and don’t let anyone or any podcast tell you different. It’s smoother than a freshly zambonied sheet of ice and more refreshing than that first slug of water after killing off a 5 on 3. Whether you’re raising a glass or raising The Cup, make sure it’s filled with The Smoothest Vodka On The Planet.

Bowline Financial: PLANNING – INSURANCE – INVESTMENTS. Financial advice for those who fucking need it, and probably even those who don’t.

And last but CERTAINLY not least, everyone say it with me now….

Fox Hills Chrysler Jeep: You need a Chrysler? A Jeep? Whatever you need the good folks over at Fox Hills got your back just as much as the chiropractic doctor you read about two bullet points prior. They are a loyal Necks sponsor and we’d be lost without em.

Now without further ado, let’s begin. 

This is the Necks third season in the league. Year one was a very inspiring season which saw the boys go 13-4-3 or some shit like that. The Longnecks finished in third place only to get upset in the first round of the playoffs.

Last year, the 2018-2019 season, was quite the opposite. The season was an absolute train wreck which saw our beloved Longnecks flounder to 5-13-4, the last stat line there being shootout losses. We closed out the year with another first round exit to the Michigan Mallards, who were able to score with 1 minute left in a hard fought battle to put the bow on the 2019 season which saw the Necks finish dead last in goals for.

It was disappointing as hell. To go from perennial league contenders to pathetic bottom feeders all in the turn of a year with virtually the same roster minus a couple of (obviously) key individuals. It was so bad that when the year was over, some other shitty team actually called me to ask if we wanted to quite the Hazel Park league and join some shitty four team league on Friday nights so we could huck turds at each other and laugh at how shitty we had all become.

Now, while there was no shortage of beers, giggles, farts, excitement, and showers last year, no one likes to be losers. Fan favorite team? Sure. Lovable losers? No way. Not us. None of us on the Longnecks were ready to pack it in and just accept the fact that we sucked, so Necks Management knew we had an uphill battle in front of us in the offseason, but what ended up ensuing was drama that was unforeseen by all of us, and it all started in-between the pipes.

Offseason Personnel Decisions

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire…and when there’s hockey drama, there’s a fucking goalie involved. In this case, we had two. Grasping for answers this off-season, management looked at our net-minder, his name is Goalie. Goalie has been the Longnecks goalie since year one and was part of our magical 2017-18 season, and he was the same backstop that helped orchestrate our 2018-19 poop parade. As management reviewed the roster, there was word of a good buddy moving back to the area from Colorado. A very good buddy who was also an exceptional goaltender. A very good buddy who would not only stick his Neck out with the boys, but, also be a formidable asset to our Longneck quest. But how could we cut Goalie? He had been here since day one, and while last year may not have been his best, who really played well at all last year? Except maybe Cheesus Christ?

Our solution: Platoon them. Goalie and buddy back in the area would split time. Then come playoff time we would decide on our tender based on performance. We communicated this with both of them via email. A very well worded email explaining to them our predicament and what we planned to do about it moving forward. We thought this was a good idea.

Famous last words.

This decision would blow up in our face quicker than pissing on a grease fire. New guy hated it. Said only peasants and cocksuckers split time in beer league. I believe he called all of our mothers slurs and said if the net wasn’t his to own, he wanted no part of it. And Goalie being the reasonable individual he is….did the exact same thing. They were both extremely upset that we even had the audacity to propose such an asinine idea to them. They told us to get bent and decide who the lone keeper would be.

This is where management went soul searching. And after a management discussion, we realized it was time to stop looking at others to change the fate of our own shortcomings and start looking in the mirror. WE the offense scored the least amount of goals in the entire league last year. WE the management put together a roster that wasn’t fit to compete in the Elite A Hazel Park Thursday night league last year. This was not a goalie problem, and our reason for losing certainly wasn’t Goalie’s fault…it was ours. And to de-Neck one of our own, one of our day-ones, was not the right way to do things. And when we tried to share Goalie’s net with our shiny new toy, he responded exactly how we wanted him to. It was exactly like that scene from Miracle.

We want the kid in the net who wouldn’t take the test. And that’s what we got. We are proud to say Goalie will be our full time goalie for 2019-20

In addition to keeping to the same damn goalie we had last year, we also brought back a majority of the team, but had to begrudgingly say farewell to a few loyal full time Necks, and I would like to take this time to thank them for their service.

For last year’s player descriptions, click here

#4 – Assassins Creed: AC’s pursuing higher education and will continue to be a part of the Necks as a substitute when called upon.

#22 – Heist: Heist has moved away from the area due to a new, more stable career route. We thank him for his service.

#23 – Asian: The second oldest member of the Necks has finally let years of binge drinking and chain smoking affect the way his body cooperates with what his brain is telling him to do on the ice. Now, none of us are the same player we were when we were 18.  We’ve all lost a step, but Asian has lost at least 3, maybe 12. He turned 30 in the off-season and after a year of missing games due to pure lethargy and three day hangovers, our favorite oversized eggroll has decided to continue on the Necks purely as a sub. Asian– we thank you for your service and will miss you way more in the locker room/bar than we will on the actual ice.

New Acquisitions

#22 – Dr. Baby: Dr. Baby is someone half the management team played high school hockey with. In high school he was the younger guy on varsity. He was nasty then and he’s nasty now. Back in high school we called him Baby because he was younger than the majority of the team and he had a head the size of a Mack truck that housed a baby-faced mug that was so adorable you wanted to just squeeze his baby-cheeks. No homo. The reason he is Dr. Baby now is because he’s actually a doctor. (See Nexus sponsor above).

#20 – All In: Now look these next two guys I have never met in my entire life so I’m really shooting from the hip here making up a nickname for them and doing a write up based on the little info I have. But all I know is I’m calling this guy All In because whenever you add someone new to this god damn team of degenerates you have to check a few boxes. Yeah being a sick hockey player is great and all but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a Neck (five wins last year). You gotta love the game, you gotta hang with the boys, and you gotta, and I can not stress this enough- Stick Your Neck Out (SYNO). All In doesn’t know the majority of us but was one of the first to get his money in on time, give us his USA hockey number, and tell us how juiced he was to play tonight. And that’s just music to all of our ears. Guys All In.

#28 – Long Ball: Again, I don’t know this cat at all but I’m sure we’re gonna be best friends after this evening. I am calling him Long Ball because I heard he golfs. That’s legitimately all I got and Long Ball sounded mildly cool.

Shift in Branding:

Jerseys last year:

Notice the giraffe borderline chewing on a burning cigarette. It’s great. He’s mean, he’s angry, but he’s also a loser to the tune of a 5-14 record or whatever the fuck I said up there. We needed to humble ourselves, so we went back to our roots. The original Longneck logo we had in our infancy of the Necks. When we were just a pipe dream team frolicking around in a summer league.

The silhouette of a giraffe with skates on with, of course, the CIGnature smoking hoon in his mouth. Not as angry, not as cocky, but just as gritty. And we had to get rid of our SYNO patch because we had no room for it due to the plethora of generous sponsors supporting #TheQuest for a championship this season.

There you have it team. Everything you need to know headed into the 2019-2020 season. We’re grateful for all of #NeckNation and look forward to competing harder than ever this year.

#SYNO 🦒

– Frank