What do you do when you lose a Decker? (The Lions recently lost offensive tackle Taylor Decker to a shoulder injury.)

You sign a Decker. (The Lions should sign former NY Jet and recently cut free agent wide receiver Eric Decker)

It’s an adage as old as time. And whilst what I just wrote makes absolutely zero sense no matter which way you spin it, my message is simple: I want the Detroit Lions to sign Eric Decker as fast as humanly possible.

See, I’m all about weapons for Staffy, and I think adding E-Deck to Frat Boi’s arsenal would be a welcomed addition. He’s big. He’s experienced. And he knows how to find pay dirt in the red zone. Last year, the Lions added the experienced, physical Anquan Boldin to their cast and he ended up leading the team in TD’s.

People are worried about his pay, but what I’m really asking here is…can you put a price on sexy?

The answer is no. You can’t. Now sure, I’m a straight male who enjoys the intimate company of my female companion, but I know a hot dude when I see one. And “Big Dick” Decker is definitely a hunk(?) Do girls say hunk? Whatever he’s good looking.

Additionally, in speaking of assets for Matthew Stafford, I think not only would he be a great addition on the field, but I think his off field presence would be huge for Matt as well. I personally don’t see how these two wouldn’t become the best of friends, and it really begins with their wives.

Unless you live under a fucking rock, you probably know that Eric Decker (the All-American steaming heap of attractiveness mentioned above) is married to country singer, Instagram legend, and idol of many millennial young-ladies out there, Jessie James Decker. Known on her social channels for being humorously down-to-earth yet violently good looking, JJ-Deck has amassed a following of 2.6 MILLION followers.

Did I sneak a picture of shirtless Eric adorably holding her hand whilst studying football in there? Yes. Am I questioning my own sexuality as I write this post. Yes.

So now that we have reviewed, is there any chance in hell Georgia Cheerleading Southern Bell/Queen of Detroit Football Kelly B. Stafford wouldn’t absolutely become BFF’s with pop-country-star down AF beauty Jessie? The answer is no.

There is no chance if Eric signed with the Lions that Kelly Staff and JJ wouldn’t have awesome times drinking awesome shooters and listen to awesome music just soak up each others awesomeness. 

And through their friendship, the bond between Eric and Matthew would blossom into a beautiful beautiful flower. Right now, from everything I’ve seen, Staff’s best friend on the team is punter Sam Martin. Which I guess is cool? But like even Sam has to know he’s a punter. He’s a damn good punter but like how cool can a punter be? Only as cool as Marquette King.

And Sam I’m sorry you’re just NOT Marquette King! Staff needs to add some celeb status to his friend group, make some noise for Detroit and have people start looking our way more and more, and the Decker’s bring that kinda heat.

Hell I think the Stafford’s and Decker’s should live together and make it a show. Call it “Staff’s On Deck” or some shit like that. Both families have kids everyone is good looking…

…and the show would just be a major hit. And the Decker fam would be a major hit in Detroit.

Jessie, Eric, if you’re reading this- give Detroit a look. The Lions offense wants Eric in the endzone. Matt and Kelly want you as best friends for life. And I want want you here for all of the above. #forward 🍾

– Frank