The Longnecks Are 60% To Last Year’s Win Total A Third Through The Season

Last Updated: November 14, 2019By Frank Sorise

Yeah. You read that right. The Necks are over half way to their win total of last year. It doesn’t feel that way though, does it? I feel like whenever I speak to people (mom, my dog) about the Necks they tend to think we’re having a piss poor season and that we are destined to suck forever. They think we are the Necks of 2018-19 and have no real hope of competing for the Hazel Park Thursday Night Elite A League Championship. And if if that’s the word on the street then I will respectfully ask you take a condom, wrap it around your ears, and fuck what ja’hurd. Because this years Necks know how to hang, they know how to compete, and better yet, they just know to stick their god damn Necks out.

Now you may be sitting there thinking Frank you’re such an over-the-top jackass, you’re stupid fucking over-sponsored team is 3-4. You’re under 500 and currently sit in 6th place of an 8 team league.

And to that I would say you’re correct. Can’t really argue with the numbers there at all. But what I can do is throw a bunch of excuses at you as to why we are 3-4 to this point and continually lean on the Coors Light Cold Hard Fact that we are technically 60% to last years win total only 7 games into the 21 game season. Let’s recap the first 7 right quick.

Game One (1-0): 5-4 shootout dub over the Whalers. The Whalers are a bunch of try hards. They don’t have a ton of talent but they have a full bench every game, and I feel like they all workout together, hold to a strict gluten-free diet, and never, ever swear. They have a bunch of money so they get like team bags, pants, sandals, the whole nine yards. I do love playing them because I feel like we’re the Wario to their Mario. I think when we beat them in the shootout the opening game they stayed out there and skated lines Miracle style (“AGAIN!”). The Whalers currently sit in 4th place with a record of 3-2-2. The last column is reserved for shootout losses, where you are awarded 1 point.

Game Two (1-1): 4-2 L to the Michigan Mallards. The Mallards are very similar to the Longnecks except they have more talent. Plain and simple. We always play them close. Last year we lost to them in the playoffs by 1 goal with 54 seconds left to play in the game. (Longnecks loooovvvvveeeee giving up the lead with under a minute.) If you ask them they would probably say we fucking suck, but I know we can hang with these guys. Mallards are in third place with a 5-2 record.

Game Three (2-1): 6-4 win over the Butt– excuse me, the Detroit Aces. The Aces are really bad. I’m sorry. They are going to come in last and probably not win a game. They have 12 goals for and 56 against. Read that again. Say it out loud. Text a buddy about it. Half the Longnecks were 3 sheets to the wind going into this game screaming point night, we got down 2-0 real quick but turned it around and won 6-4. Hang in there, Aces. The Detroit Aces are in last place with an 0-7 record.

Game Four (2-2): 9-6 loss to the 300 Footers. We got down 6-0 before I opened my first bench beer in this game. I mean I was -2 thirteen seconds into the game. It was incredible. They are a bunch of ex-NHL guys and that is a 0% exaggeration. We rallied back HARD but that was only because they legit had 7 guys and we had 13. It’s going to be tough to beat these guys unless their bench is completely depleted. The 300 Footers are currently in second place with a 6-1 record.

Game Five (2-3): 3-2 loss to East Lake Dental. This was the dumbest fucking game of the season. Last year the Longnecks had 5 wins total, and two of them were vs this team. We’ve never lost to this team (formerly known as Troy Metro Agency). We dicked around too hard before the game and continued said grabass on the ice. We weren’t even in the same atmosphere as focused and we let it slip away from us. It won’t happen again, mark my words. East Lake Dental is 3-4 and currently sits in 5th place.

Game Six (2-4): 9-6 loss to Brighton Chrysler. Brighton Chrysler is the back-to-back league Champions. They are very good but I am surprised that they have won the league two years in a row. Don’t get me wrong, they put up 9 on us and the boys can play….but we beat them last year. Last year with our dog shit roster and I, me, Frank, scored a fucking hat trick against them. I don’t do things like that. So hats off to them but I know we can play with these boys. Plus, we had a sub fill in for Goalie in this one and even he would tell you he wasn’t proud of his performance. And fun fact: Bright Chrysler’s only loss game to East Lake Dental…head scratching. Brighton Chrysler is 6-1 and currently sits in first place.

Game Seven (3-4): 5-4 shootout W vs Tony’s Sports Bar. We played like shit, but tied it up late due to the relentless pressure from Mistrial. I don’t have much to say about this one except we knew we needed to win, and gutted one out. Tony’s is another team we really have no business losing to. Tony’s is 2-3-2 and currently sits in 7th place.

And as always I want to give a huge shoutout to our sponsors for the season. Our over advertised jerseys could not be possible without you. In addition, it’s always a nice added flair to rip a pull of vodka straight from the bottle after going -3 in a 10:30 men’s league hockey game on a Thursday. Look at you, Zim’s.

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