This article is presented by Antonio’s Italian Cucina

With the blog making its return and the Heat Report™️ being a staple of the weekly content Champagne puts out, I figured it was time to provide a write-up for clarity around any of the categories and faces you might not completely grasp. Now remember, this list is non-debatable, so this write-up is not here to defend the reasons why people are in the categories they’re in, it’s merely to inform. From there, you can praise or berate – but never debate. Let’s dive in.

Burning with the Fire of 1000 Suns

• WMU secures spot in Frozen Four and nabs a No. 1 ranking
• Your 2025 Final Four (Auburn, Duke, Florida, Houston). The first “all No. 1 seed” Final Four since 2008
• The National League All-Stars a.k.a. the Los Angeles Dodgers swept our beloved Tigers and are currently 6-0

Scalding

• Our Pistons got into a skirmish over the weekend and continue to prove that they accept zero shit
• Torkelson came bursting out of the gate to start the season 6 for 14, slugging for .714, and an OPS of 1.293

Hot

• Jackson Jobe completes his first start and shows his filth
• Dillon Dingler goes 3 for 5 with 2 RBIs and 2 Runs in the Tigers win against Seattle
• Justyn-Henry Malloy proves his devotees correct with a game-opening double and a 2 for 4 performance after getting called up in Gleyber’s absence
• Austin Watson beat the brakes off Lauko

Bad Boys Pt. II

• Beef Stew, Holland, Sasser, and JB? Laimbeer, Mahorn, Rodman, and Chuck Daly? Close enough for me

Angry Cat Noises

• Alex DeBrincat (5’8″ | 180 lbs) walked Andrew Peeke (6’3″ | 214 lbs) like a dog… or a cat?… he kicked the shit out of him

Hand Full’O Crotch

• 

Worth the $1,500

• Don’t tempt me

5.7% Chance to Make Playoffs

• 9 games left against tough opponents… but there’s still a chance

B*ITCH

• Donte DiVincenzo decided to turn what was a tough foul at the hoop into a full out melee

Arctic F*ucking Tundra

• The Tigers scoreboard sign is gone and so is the last “keyhole” in the MLB

Prayers Up

• This section is dedicated to injuries and departures

• The Spartans and Wolverines both fall out of the NCAA Tournament over the weekend
• Spartan hockey also exited after the first round of the NCAA Hockey Tournament with a loss to Cornell
• Gleyber Torres turned on an inside pitch that might’ve hit him and sent it 379 ft, hurting himself in the process. He’s on the 10-Day IL
• John Cominsky is medically retiring from the NFL after a 6 year career

Hate You Forever

• Claude Lemieux, The Colorado Avalanche for existing

• The Chicago Blackhawks, for existing

• Matt Patricia, for being a talentless prick. My most hated coach in Detroit sports history

• American Coney Island. I am a born Detroiter. At birth they put the coney dog sorting hat on your head, I was deemed a Lafayette Loyalist and nothing will ever change that.

• Matt Millen. #FireMillen

• I could write an entire dissertation on the Priority Patch and how much I hate it with every fiber of my being, but you can watch this video instead.

• Eric Ebron. Cocky, rude, drafted way too high and not good at catching a football.

• Kwame Kilpatrick. Corrupt.

• Brad Allen. Decker reported you moron. It’s on video.

• Gary Bettman. It’s time to go. You rigged the lottery for Chicago, there’s ads everywhere, and you decided on a ten year partnership to make a cheap, creatively barren apparel brand as the official jersey provider of your product. Sickens me.

• Fanatics. Awful brand. Awful products.

• Monty Williams. 14-68

• Jim Joyce. You can cry and say sorry all you want. It doesn’t give Armando Galarraga his Perfect Game. What were you thinking?

• Ben Johnson. Benedict Arnold.