We need Tomas Tatar to just effin’ cool it

Last Updated: March 21, 2017By

Hi guys, how we doing? It’s been a minute, and for that, I apologize. But today I’m here, and ready to bitch about our last place Wings, again. This time it’s about a specific player not named Jonathan Ericsson, it’s #21 Red Wings winger, Tomas Tatar.

He needs to frickin cool it. Take a good ole’ fashion “chill pill.” Settle down. Hold his horses. Simmah down nah. Chillax.

Tats is in the last year of his contract and currently has 21 goals, 18 assists and which puts the Slovakian-native second on the team with 39 points (Zetterberg, 60). Now those numbers are nothing spectacular by any stretch of imagination for your number two producing forward (LOL), but with the direction Detroit and Kenny Holland have been swinging lately, Tomas is in line for something along the line of a 6-year, 20 million dollar contract. HAHAHAHA-No for real. If you think that contract I just made up sounds ridiculous, it’s not.

Last summer we signed Darren Helm who was coming off a 2015-16 campaign of 13 goals and 13 assists in 77 games, giving him 26 points, and he received a 5-year deal worth….19.25 millions dollars, which he is currently playing on.

That is MIND BLOWING to me. So, with us not trading Tatar at the deadline coming off of seasons of 39-56-45-and currently 39 points respectively, it makes me feel like we have plans to resign, and if I’m him I’m not signing for a dime or day less than Darren “Made of Glass” Helm’s contract.

I’m worried these last two games has Holland already putting together an extremely inflated contract due to Tatar’s hot play (8 points in 3 games) . I just wanna shake Kenny by the shoulders and tell him “TATAR HAS FOUR GOALS IN THE PAST THREE MEANINGLESS GAMES AND THEY WERE AGAINST FOREVER IRRELEVANT ARIZONA, HISTORICALLY BAD COLORADO, AND THE PISS-SHIT BUFFALO SABRES IN A LOSS” but that would be extremely long winded to keep that bolded-all-caps intensity for that long of a sentence.

Side note to the ladies- is Tatar hot? Like physically attractive? I know he has a super model girlfriend who was a Miss Universe runner-up, and in cruising around the Internet I found a bunch of woman’s clothing dedicated to him. You gotta be at least kinda hot if you’re a kinda first/second liner on a shitty team located in Detroit and there is woman’s clothing with your name on it…right?

Like COOL IT man. The Wings need your money to sign these bad-ass draft picks were about to pick up in the next two years. But, to be honest, I’m not used to rooting for a tanking out of the Wings or their players, so I’m not gonna hate the player…just the game. And Kenny Holland for all these stupid fucking contracts. #lgrw 🍾

PS- here’s a bunch of pic’s of Tatar’s super model girlfriend for anyone interested.

Frank