Alright so EA Sports just released a Red Wings alumni team and announced it on their Instagram along with a Penguins alumni team. And when I say they “just released it” I have no idea if that even makes sense or is accurate. I haven’t played video games since I owned an N64 and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I have no issues with video games, I just don’t play them, don’t own anything resembling a newer system, and if I’m being completely honest, when I did play, I kinda sucked at them. But what I don’t know about video games I make up for in knowing a lot about the Greatest American Hockey Franchise of All-Time, the Detroit Red Wings. So when EA Sports posted this photo, I took issue.

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First off- let’s take a glaring look at the obvious, these ratings. You have a guy nicknamed Mr. Hockey, widely considered the greatest hockey player of all time…listed as a 95. Which I guess could be forgiven if no one else in the game was listed higher except maybe Wayne Gretzky, but if you go to the next picture in the slideshow you’ll see Penguins’ great Mario Lemieux rated at a 96. Now sure Lemieux was fucking sick, no disrespect to him but I think Gordie lives amongst the all time hockey GODS, so for him not to match the likes of Mario I think is pretty bullshit.

Chelios, man you’re great, but you’re not greater than Steve Yzerman. Not in this life or your next. Never in any world will I ever believe that Chelios is just a litttttllleee better than Steve Yzerman and exactly as good as Nick Lidstrom.  But apparently EA Sports thinks Cheli was just as dirty as the guy who’s nicknamed “The Perfect Human”. STOP EA Sports. STOP. This goes without mentioning the fact on the next page it says Paul Coffey is a 93. So I guess just any Hall of Fame defenseman who laced ’em up back in the day was just as good as Nick Lidstrom. Yeah, that makes a ton of fucking sense.

Fuckin’ BETTER than Steve Yzerman. Stop.

Then the obviously glaring, puke-on-my-own-shoes-bad rating of Pavel Datsyuk at 89. So in this fucked up alternate hockey universe Pavel (89) is just a litttttlllee better than Dylan Larkin, who is listed as an 88. EAT SHIT. Dylan, you’re great, but you’re no where near Pavel Datsyuk altitude and I think even Larkin himself would adamantly agree with that. Also, I know Pavs is weird looking but jesus christ you didn’t come close to even approaching what he actually looks like here.

Which brings me to the second point- the aesthetics. Yzerman has no C on his sweater. Do I need to explain this further? His nickname is The Captain.

Yzerman holds the NHL record as the longest-serving captain of a single team—he spent 19 seasons, 20 total years and 1,303 games wearing the “C”.

~ Wikipedia ~ Frank Sorise

The banner we hang above the ice even has the C on it cause it’s so weird to see is name on a jersey anywhere in the world without it donning a C. You crazy sons of bitches I don’t care that Howe is already rocking a C, you give out two C’s. You don’t just fucking let Steve Yzerman in an alumni hockey fantasy video game not have a C on his sweater. That’s some of the dumbest fucking shit I’ve ever seen. I, and I think most Wings fans would agree, Yzerman should have the C over Howe. The majority of the time Howe played, Lindsay wore the C. That’s Yzerman’s C, and for you to say he’s worse than Chris Chelios and take the C off his sweater actually makes me want to gouge my own eyes out.

Get your shit together EA. This is why I stopped playing fucking video games.

#lgrw

– Frank