Wings – Aves. Pistons – Pacers. Tigers – Twins.

There have undoubtedly been some great Detroit rivalries over the years. Who could forget the 6 on 6 all out brawl vs Colorado at the Joe back in ’97?

How about the mother fucking Malice at the Palace? Can you imagine if that happened today? Donnie T would have to send in the national guard and there would probably be peace protests at every NBA stadium pressuring Adam Silver to put cages around each NBA court to protect fans from rabid NBA power forwards.

Damn. I forgot Indiana absolutely gave us the beatdown that game. Beat us in our own barn then decided to beat up our fans. I kinda respect it honestly. But I digress…

The rivalry we are discussing today goes outside of the playing field and into the court room. Or a settlement… room. Or like an office. I’m talking about the familiar faces you see every night there is a Red Wings, Pistons, or Tigers game on FSN. Or if you’re downtown and passing by a billboard, bus stop, park bench, area of sidewalk, side of a building, homeless man, public art or literally any space these self absorbed settlement lawyers can find an inch to plaster their face and a phone number on.

Let’s start with the reigning king. His commercials have been around forever and he’s actually elevated to a level of douche-baggery that it almost seems like a Detroit sports staple sponsor such as Little Caesars or Belle Tire. You know who I am talking about- Sam Bernstein. And I bet some of you read that and went “Hey what’s wrong with Sam?! I like him!” No you don’t. You’ve just been brainwashed over 10+ years to the point you think it’s normal to have a Metro-Detroit injury lawyers number memorized. But it’s honestly not your fault, this dude has to be making money hand over fist because he’s moved outside of straight painfully full-of-shit commercials and went for the jugular.

They bought the naming rights to the studio you see any combination of Ozzie, Mikey York, John Keating, Craig Monroe, Rod Allen, etc, etc sitting at during the intermission/post game of Red Wings, Tigers, and Pistons games. Just in case you didn’t already have the number down or hadn’t been fully acquainted with Sam’s borderline extra-unbearable children, he had to go and slap his fucking name and number on the god damn desk that I already have to listen to recaps of just how bad the Wings are. As if it weren’t already bad enough. If you’re reading this and have a gun to your head, here is your trigger pull:

Now that most of you are dead, let’s move on to another familiar face. And it is only a familiar face because it is legit everywhere. Creeping, lurking, haunting around every corner. On every bus. On every bench. On billboards located 100 feet from each other. Her spooky mime-like pornstar face lingers around every corner of downtown Detroit, you guessed it, it’s Joumana Kayrouz.

And it’s okay, I don’t know how to say her name either. This woman had so much work done before she had work done she has essentially Muppetized herself into Janis the Muppet.

She legitimately looks like a star lawyer in a 34 minute Brazzers porn special. “But Mrs. Kayrouz, I don’t know how I am going to be able to pay for all these legal fees!”

“I can think of a few things you can do Derek…”

Yes. That picture is real. And no it’s not the Dummy from the young-teen classic book series Goosebumps. Even though the resemblance is uncanny, and I am pretty sure they have they exact same slogan subbing out she for he…

Sweet Christ I apologize. It’s Valentines Day not Halloween, so in honor of a holiday that’s completely kiss-ass and full of shit, I bring to you Mike Morse. Mike Morse has seemingly come out of no where and is going for head shots only. He is trying to take over the number one spot not only in the billboard game but in TV spots as well. His latest commercial is SO produced and over the top I actually threw up all over my area rug 19 seconds into it. Grab a doggie bag and look at this crock of shit.

That commercial might only be a minute long but by the time it finishes it feels like you’ve spent a year in county. Where to begin? Is it the completely over-the-top soulful black woman belting out a borderline gospel song praising the work of a shark-like injury lawyer? Or do I go with the black children of Detroit holding up backpacks like the Body of Christ cult-like worshipping a rich white guy they’ve never met? Or is it just the arbitrary “this-kinda-feels-like-Detroit, right?” b-roll going on with the ominous street lights, caged-up barking pitt bull, or the miserable fuck in the middle of the street in a wheel chair?

Mike Morse is going for blood. I wouldn’t be surprised if this sick bastard even paid for that accident in the opening scene to happen, full action movie style. Then represented the actor in the Durango later on for his injury case.

What’s worse about him is not only he drenched in douchebag/weasel dick, but he took a page right out of the Sam Bernstein playbook and duped his own FAMILY into being in his commercials- and THEY’RE NOT EVEN LAWYERS.

“He didn’t make a big fuss of himself…like my brother Mike.” WHAT ARE YOU SAYING HE HAS A COMMERCIAL S-ING HIS OWN D EVERY 8 TO 10 SECONDS.

Here’s a couple with Mom.

Oh you’re Sue’s son? The insufferable bag of shit who pops up everywhere I look? Poor Sue. Poor Detroit.

He even has one where he literally looks up WIN in the dictionary and his picture is there. I swear to god. I left it out of here because I’ve already spewed all over my hands/keyboard multiple times putting this post together and quite frankly I’m exhausted.

Why are we constantly surrounded by personal injury lawyers? I feel like this doesn’t happen ANYwhere else. So why does Michigan have to suffer through these super rich full-of-hot-air attorneys cramming their shit down our throats on top of already being subjected to worse than mediocre play out of our favorite sports teams?

Is this hell? 🍾

– Frank