Saturday our Lions travel to chilly Seattle to battle the Seahawks on the road to conclude Wild Card Saturday in the NFL. And last night while trying to go to bed I tossed I turned I churned and I burned trying to sleep easy knowing that there was SOMETHING I could rest assured about with these Lions playing on Saturday.

But guys.

It’s bad.

Our Detroit Lions have lost 3 of their last 3. In one game we failed to score a touchdown and in the other two we gave up a combined 73 points. We only went 3-5 on the road this year and we didn’t win a game outdoors.

Wait what?

Yes.

The Lions lost every single game outside this year. Six of their wins came at Ford Field and the other three were at Indy, Minnesota, and New Orleans, all domes. But we’ll probably be good because Seattle is only notoriously one of the hardest places to win in the NFL. It’s supposed to be freezing Saturday night too. Good thing Caldwell brings so much energy he should be able to light a proverbial fire under everyone’s ass to keep their undercarriage warm well into the fourth quarter.

And, Stafford’s hand is hurt. “Well he said in a press conference it was a non iss—”  SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you believe that, you’re insane. It’s an issue. A major issue. He’s handling the situation like a boss, what’s he supposed to say?

Stafford pre-finger blast: 67.2 completion percentage, 21 TD’s, 5 picks, and Leo’s were 8-4.

Stafford post finger blast: 60.2%, 3 and 5. And the boys are 1-3.

But even through all of these negative thoughts, I was able to toss turn burn churn some positive thoughts in a sea of negativity and this is what I came up with. I believe with a few small breaks, the Leo’s could take this Wild Card match-up in the Emerald City.

The sight of Golden Tate sends Russell Wilson into a tailspin. From 2010-2013 Tate played for the Seattle Seahawks, and rumor has it- that Tate banged Russell’s wife…which lead to Tate signing with Detroit…and Wilson divorcing his spouse. Now, these rumors have been VEHEMENTLY denied, and I think I believe him. But Russ on the other hand, hasn’t said shit about it. Maybe, just MAYBE, it did happen. And once Russell sees Tate he’ll reminisce on the heartbreak that was his first marriage, shit himself, and put together one of the worst performances of his life. I kinda felt terrible writing that. But I also kinda really want the Lions to win. So, go get’em Golden.

The Drunk comes to play. Matt Prater is my favorite player on the Lions. He’s half man, half alcoholic, and half leg. He’s SO Detroit’s kicker it’s almost nauseating. The guy has an absolute catapult for a boot and literally thrusts his entire body into every god damn kick he attempts. He’s a man whose lost his job once, and is not going to lose it again. If the Lions can just get into field goal range give or take 100 times in this game, the former DUI recipient could steer us into the second round.

The Lions line up Marvin Jones on the left side, opposite of Richard Sherman, the entire game. When Marvin joined the Leo’s, he was hot. Now he has a nickname in the Motor City, and by “Motor City” I mean “my own brain.” It’s Mr. Irrelevant. He does absolutely nothing, and will do absolutely nothing no matter where he is on the field. So if he’s lined up against their top shut down corner we can effectively look at it as “no harm done.” This will put our better receivers on their worse DB’s annnnnnd yanno touchdowns ‘n shit like that.

Zesty Zach Zenner zips, zigs and zags his way to a Zensational day. Proves why he’s the baddest white running back in the league. Not much else to say there. That sentence pretty much sums it up. Our running back is white. Real lunch pail guy. If he shows up, rushes for over 100 (LOL), and doesn’t fumble on the god damn one yard line (again), the honkie could give the Leo’s a shot.

Dan Orlowski puts together one of the most unexpected and spectacular performances in the history of the NFL. Stafford is a warrior. He fights through pain and is a true gamer, and I respect the living shit out of him for that, but I think his hand is real bad.

And heaven knows I don’t want this, but I have this awful sneaky feeling Cliff Avril (remember him?) is going to catch Stafford at the right time and put him and his hand out with a pulverizing sack, ultimately turning Frat Boy into Captain Hook. This will bring in our favorite running-out-of-the-back-of-the-endzone-quarterback of all time, Dan Orlovsky. And you can’t say ‘Dan Orlovsky’ without showing the infamous play.

He will come in and throw for 325+ yards and 5 touchdowns in a little under three quarters of play and lead the Detroit Lions to their first playoff victory since 1991.

It’s been 26 years since the Lions last won a playoff game.

Forward down the field.