I’m not going to lie, this weekend feels like the equivalent of sitting in the proverbial cuck chair. Watching the Eagles play the Chiefs, knowing that if there were a decent and loving God who didn’t smote our defense, we could’ve been in this game- it’s a bitter pill to swallow. If you’re anything like me, you’ll probably be sitting at some stupid ass Super Bowl party, gorging yourself on buffalo chicken dip and Blue Lights, stewing in your anger. I’ll more than likely be surrounded by Atlanta Falcons fans; that is to say, people who largely don’t care about the NFL and will only be rooting for UGA players drafted by both teams. This piece is meant to offer you some strategies to be more Mindful (a concept my wife, a licensed therapist, encourages me to practice during football season) as a Lions fan; a way to assuage some of your bitter resentment. I hope you’ll genuinely reflect on some of these strategies as you tune in for The Big Game.

• Realize that sports are stupid and we’re all going to die someday.
  • This one was a big one for me. I sink a ton of emotional investment into the Lions week in and week out, and as the resident Detroit Guy at my work, I felt like I really had to play up the whole 15-2 season. Quite frankly, I talked a lot of shit- so, when I boldly proclaimed that I couldn’t attend any Super Bowl parties because “I was going to really need to focus on the game”, I felt like a total douchebag when my coworkers came up to me the day after the Washington loss to say that they would count me in for this coming weekend. But, here’s the thing- I think it was Juvenal that said “bread and circuses” were key to subjugating the masses, so really, by not being like Sheeple Eagles and KC fans, I’ve reached this higher plateau of enlightenment where I can simply observe the Super Bowl as the final Winter ritual in our secular American culture; blissfully detached from watching Mahomes get every Roughing the Passer call from the refs on their inevitable march towards (yet another) Super Bowl trophy.

• Gamble
  • Unfortunately, we don’t have gambling in God’s State of Georgia, so I became really familiar with PrizePicks, which is basically gambling, but through the magical classification of “daily fantasy sports”, it’s somehow legal? I don’t know man. Whatever. But, throughout this football season, I got pretty good at putting together parlays. Not that I would win most (or any, really) of them, but I always felt really good about the ones that I’d put together- and isn’t that what really matters when it comes to gambling? The best way to distract yourself from emotional pain is by inflicting financial pain on yourself, so why not get slutty and put together a little parlay during the game? Maybe Mahomes over passing yards, Kelce anytime TD, and Saquon anytime TD? Like, cmon. How could that NOT cash out? It certainly gives me more confidence than my squares numbers, which always end up being like 5 and 1 or some dumb shit like that.

• Really go in on making some appetizers
  • I love the Super Bowl because it really gives me an excuse to be a disgusting, slovenly mess. Buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, and crock pot queso with chorizo? Hell yeah, brother. Super Bowl food is basically an exercise in how much diarrhea you’re going to inflict on yourself for the next 24-36 hours, so why not try to make one of those instagram dips that you see on the Traeger or whatever? Like any proper suburban dad, I will be manning the Big Green Egg and making something. I’ve thought about smoked cream cheese with pepper jelly, smoked chicken wings with a hot honey glaze, or even bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers. But regardless of what I cook, there’s really one constant that I can count on occurring during my grilling/smoking process…

• Drink a ton of beers
  • Folks, this is probably going to be a big one for me. The last time I got pretty drunk was the Lions playoff game, which started off as jovial and celebratory, and ended up sad and depressing. I think this weekend will be an important opportunity to come full circle; to exorcise demons that I’ve been suppressing since that night. What could help loosen those emotions better than 8-10 domestic light beers before halftime? Plus, once you’ve got that nice buzz going, you really don’t care about the Lions, the Super Bowl, or whatever the halftime show is. You’re just living in the moment. And nothing is more beautiful than being Mindful of the moment you’re in.

So anyway, enjoy your Super Bowl, Lions fan. Watch Saquon run, Mahomes throw crazy passes, and Kelce be the productive TE he was supposed to be during the regular season when I drafted him in fantasy football before I sat his ass for Chig Okonkwo or whatever TE I had to overpay for in free agency. And rest assured that, even if we somehow made it past Washington, one of these two teams would’ve utterly kicked our skulls in. This game, and the Super Bowl trophy presentation that proceeds will just be the start of our Championship DVD next year.