Now that headline is a tad misleading because normally when you are listing the “top” moments of someones career, it is usually a list of successes, or positive things that happened. But as we all know the good moments of Patricia’s tenure in Detroit were few and far between and usually had nothing to do with him. So instead of focusing on the ‘top’ moments of his tenure, we’re going to view ‘top’ as most entertaining, ironic, hilarious, etc. In addition these times may not focus on specific ‘moments’ per-say, but by the time you’re done reading this not only do I think you’ll understand and accept the slightly-misleading headline, but I also think you’ll agree.

Before we jump into the list let me just say this- Matt Patricia was one of, if not the, worst Detroit-sports related figure (athlete, coach, GM, owner) etc. I have experienced in my lifetime. I will be the first to admit, I wanted to hire Patricia. When Detroit fired Caldwell and did the whole “9-7 isn’t good enough” routine I was fully on board to bring in the proclaimed “defensive guru” from the Patriots dynasty. But as time went on, the losses piled up, his comments got worse, and the stories from players, past and present, showed more and more of the incompetency of his reign. Here are some of the moments that I will remember long after Patricia’s departure.

5. Opening the 2020 season with a peg leg. After two seasons with the Lions and an abysmal record of 9-22-1, many believed Matty P would be on the hot seat for the 2020 season- which was absolutely true. Not ready to throw the whole operation in the trash after two seasons, many Lions fans, including myself, were open to giving him one more chance to see if he could put together a new winning attitude in the Motor City after having 2 years under his belt. Well let me tell you, nothing screams command and control like not being able to stand up on your own.

Now sure, whatever happened to him is probably not his fault, but when you have sub-.300 win percentage, you’re pushing three-bills weight-wise, and your job is on the hot seat, showing up in a go-cart to get around practice with your dainty little foot-sock hanging out doesn’t necessarily scream confidence or credibility. And if the go-cart wasn’t embarrassing enough, try watching wannabe King Pin here wheel himself in and out of the press conferences.

Or try and coach an entire game from BEHIND the water coolers.

And in true hard-ass Patricia fashion, we never ever got to know exactly what the fuck happened to his leg.

“As far as the head coach is concerned, and his current health status condition, really just, there are really very few times during the year where you kind of have an opportunity to get things done,” Patricia said. “Pretty much been dealing with a little bit of a lower-leg issue, a tendon muscle thing, for a while, so I kind of had that cleaned up. Just trying to stay off it for a couple days so it heals properly. Day by day, we’ll go from there.”

~ The Detroit News

Translation: “I’m soo0o0o0o0oo busy being a super busy super important head football coach I don’t have time for frivolous activities such as taking care of my personal health, note, my weight. So I got that shit cleaned up back there. I’m Matt Patricia. I am above you.”

4. Losing. This should probably be number one and doesn’t really define a specific moment, but as I was trying to pick which shitty record I wanted to list here I realized they are all pretty jaw-dropping and everyone out there reading this should know some of these mind-blowing stats from the Patricia tenure.

• • 13-29-1 overall. Fourth worst all-time in franchise history (says a lot about the organization).
  • Never beat the Bears or the Vikings (0-5 overall)
  • 9 games lost where the Lions had double digit leads
  • 11 straight losses between 2019-2020 seasons
  • 15 games lost by double digits, 35% of the games he coached in

3. Giving that reporter a lesson on etiquette.

If you’re able to power through the mountain of bullshit being spewed in the first 50 seconds of this video, you’ll get to what I’m talking about. This was in Patricia’s first year and he was in full hardo mode. He thought being a dick head and having worked for Belichick for a couple a years gave him respect and credibility when in reality reporters from the get-go could see right through his bullshit hardass facade. What’s most ironic about this video is that Matt Patricia, one of the most unkempt head coaches in the NFL, is giving a lesson on appearance. Dude, you look like you just walked up from ground zero. From your larger than life body frame, to your backwards hats and dropped-out-of-college-living-in-mom’s-basement facial hair approach, you are the LAST person who should be pointing out how someone’s appearance and/or etiquette should be.

In addition, you get treated how you treat others, so maybe if you showed any respect to your players or the media, they might sit up for you. But good thing it’s nothing you’ll ever have to worry about, literally, ever again.

2. The wildest and furthest-reaching self-preservation tote I have ever heard in my life. 

This was, for lack of a better term, absolutely fucking insane. This was after the Bears loss week one, when our rocket scientist of a coach and co. blew a 23-6 lead. He was asked about protecting leads and literally took credit for Malcom Butler’s interception on Russell Wilson in the 2015 Super Bowl. If you are unaware, I’m talking about this play:

Our 300-pound slob of a coach tried to defend blowing a week one 17-point lead to the lowly Bears by saying that FIVE YEARS prior WITH A DIFFERENT TEAM, HE, HIMSELF, made one of the most memorable plays on defense in the fourth quarter in the history of the NFL. That is like me calling myself Steve Yzerman because I wear number 19 and play beer league hockey. That is the reach of reaches. And I think shit like this is what pissed me off the most about this guy- the excuses. The pissy defense of indefensible actions. Take responsibility. Stop focusing on your past. You’re the coach of the Lions now, everything you did with the Patriots was nothing but a resume builder to get you to this point. No one in Detroit gives a FLYING fuck how well New England did five years ago, we want a respectable team here, now. This was the moment where I had officially lost all of my dwindling respect and belief in his regime. Side note if I was Malcom Butler I’d be furious at this comment.

1. Monday Night Football vs The New York Jets. 

Where it all began. Now what you’re about to read may sound dramatic, but I promise everything I say here is 100% authentic. We’ve seen a ton of wild shit as Lions fans, and been completely disappointed by a TON of things. Some shit that is so wildly, terribly unique, it’s hard to process how all these strange misfortunes could occur to one individual franchise. Calvin complete the process, Seahawks bat out of the back of the end-zone, Golden Tate 10 second run off, Justin Tucker 60+ yard field goal to win it, the picked up PI flag vs Dallas, etc, etc, etc. The list goes on and on. But this Monday Night Football game versus the Jets on September 10th, 2018, the first game of Patricia’s coaching career, was the most Lions moment of all time for me. Lions had just come off of two 9-7 seasons. Fans and the org believed we had the roster to compete for the division, we were just one piece away. That piece- Matt Patricia. He was bringing the Patriot way to Detroit and this was his opening test. The New York Jets at Ford Field versus a rookie QB…and judging by the first play, it was going to be an electric season. The Lions picked off rookie Sam Darnold on the first play from scrimmage and took it to the crib. I was living within ear-shot of Ford Field at the time and the place was physically vibrating the city. We were so excited for our new coach, our solid roster, and to be in prime time with all of America watching to get our first dub.

The Lions proceeded to lose this game 48-17. FORTY EIGHT to SEVENTEEN. It was a complete joke. On national TV the only people left in the building were Jets fans, chanting J-E-T-S right behind the Lions bench very audibly. It was the first time Lions fans would be exposed to ‘the face.’ The Matt Patricia disgruntled-but-figuring-it-out face I hate so much. This face:

Darnold was deemed as the NFL’s next QB prodigy and the Lions were once again a national embarrassment…to a team that is also, a national embarrassment. It was a such a let down, such a game that knocked the entire wind out of you, that I will never forget it. I will never forget sitting in disbelief as the the new Lions regime world crumbled around them. It was so painfully, gut-wrenchingly, Lions.

And to be quite honest, Patricia was never able to bounce back.

Hopefully I am not doing this again in three years for the next poor sap who the Lions pick to take the job.

#forward 🍾

– Frank