2020 is completely ass backward. We’ve known this since March. And while the abnormal continues to become the norm, the latest in weird comes this weekend as we prepare for A Tradition Unlike Any Other, The Masters. In what is normally played in the middle of April, we now have in the middle of November.

Now anyone that has ever followed me or this blog could probably note, I’ve never really ever mentioned a word about golf, and that’s because I never followed it. But, like many across this country and the world, the Masters is the exception. Something about Augusta, Jim Nance, the emergence of Spring, the Green Jackets, the exclusivity, wooo boy! pretty much everything. The whole song and dance is just a jimmy rustler of beautiful sporting proportion, and this is coming from a non-golf guy. Or am I?

Growing up I downright hated golf. It was too slow, too boring, too long… and to be honest, I never grew up with it. My dad was never a golfer so it was never an interest of mine nor a priority of his to teach me. All good. But being a hockey guy, I had a lot of friends who naturally loved the game and I would get asked to play, which was always a nerve-racking situation for me. I didn’t know the etiquette, I didn’t have full grasp of the rules, I was always self conscious about what to wear, I didn’t have shoes, and my clubs were some Wilson’s from Play It Again Sports that the super chill bro working there sold me for $100 bucks. I think he felt bad for me.

So for a couple years after college I would go maybe once or twice a summer, and a new challenge arose- how could I possibly do this without getting completely shit faced? Turns out, I couldn’t. Golf invites turned into a straight party hangout for me. Beer a hole, shots at the turn, speaker in the cart, and a joint in my ear. Now, that type of golf is something I’ll never be above, but I also realized I didn’t have the basic skill, knowledge, or understanding to be enjoyable to golf with to get that shitty whilst playing. 2018 and 2019 I just didn’t golf. I was fading into the sunset of my golf career. I tried. Wasn’t for me.

Enter the global pandemic: trapped in the house, can’t see friends, can’t go out, and worst of all (for me) no hockey. Then when things opened up a little, golf was one of the ONLY things we could do. Again, all my hockey guys were in a golf league, and were hanging out crushing beers and going low every Thursday and to be quite honest with you, I got jealous. I was sitting at home with my dick in my hand with a cut down salary while the boys were chippin’ fried eggs and gettin’ them in the leather or whatever. I googled both those phrases. But you get what I’m saying. Long story long, one lonely evening as the boys prepared for another night of dick jokes and **frantically googles** tour sauce, I got the call. I got the call to sub with my good buddy and one of the best in the league. They gave me a handicap of like 100 or something and I played. I played like shit but I had a lot of fun with it. Then next week, I got the call again from a different guy. Then it happened again until I was becoming a regular in the club. I still sucked complete ass but after five weeks of call ups I had caught it, and I’m not talking COVID. I’m talking the itch. I never knew what the itch was or what it meant until I had caught it. I had golfer’s itch. My fear of embarrassment had left my body and I just focused on sucking ass and not sucking complete ass. Here is a quote in fancy font to make it seem more serious.

I golfed more times this summer than I had golfed collectively in my entire life. So basically what I am asking you, golf world, is to accept me as an infant child on this golf journey. I have a long way to go. All I can say is I started the summer shooting around 110 and finished the summer DANGEROUSLY close to 100. So while yes, I still suck ass, I hope this can become my old man sport when my knees inevitably give out and my lungs collapse. I should have documented more of my play this summer, but this upcoming summer, I will keep you posted on all the breakfast balls, barkies, pinseekers and bughuggers next season.

And for funski’s I’m taking DJ and Brooks at +500 and +700 respectively to win the ‘Sters this year, because DJ’s father-in-law is Wayne Gretzky and Brooks is the coolest guy on earth.

#golfguy 🍾

– Frank