Like most football guys nearing the age of 30, me and 11 other of my friends take fantasy football a little too seriously. We get too excited, we get too intense, we call each other names that are a bit too offensive, and we definitely spend too much time worrying about who we are going to draft. Now in my mind, the draft is the most exciting part of fantasy football, hands down. Sure, watching the actual football is great, and when your guys rip it there is nothing better than telling your long time friends from high school to “_____ ___ ____!” But as far as the whole excitement of the league goes, I absolutely love the build up to and the night of the draft.

Now, all 12 of us are in a group chat, and pretty much all of us have known each other since high school (10+ years). So there isn’t much we don’t know about one another’s tendencies and actions, it’s sickening really. I am the commissioner of the league. It’s a 12 man, PPR snake draft league that features 1 QB, 2 RB’s, 3 WR’s, 1 TE, 1 Flex (WR/RB/TE), 1 DEF, and 1 Kicker…with 6 bench spots.

We determine the order of the draft in the most methodical and thought out way any group could ever pick an order…we pull names out of a hat. Yep. That’s it. Nothing has anything to do with anything. I write all of my idiot friends name on little ripped up sheets of paper, I find a hat, then I pull names out of it. The first name picked gets the 12th pick and it goes up from there. I take a video of myself doing it every year, I make fun of every single person involved (including myself), and that’s how we do it. I would post the video here but I mention a lot of people by name in there and I quite frankly I say a lot of things I probably don’t want the parents of said friends ever hearing. Because to them, I’m a good boy.

This is year four. I have been the commissioner all four years. In year one I had no clue what I was doing when it came to anything (commissioning, drafting, setting a lineup, trading), I was just an idiot. I was such an idiot I traded away the best fantasy football player of all time, Antonio Brown, for basically peanuts and a kick in the dick and virtually handed my buddy the league championship. In year two, everything changed. I got all of my shit together and did a nauseating amount of research, learned how to be a half-assed decent commissioner and put together one of the greatest teams the league had ever seen. I started off 7-0, never made a trade, won the championship and was able to get my name engraved on the greatest fantasy trophy ever created.

Now couple things to note about the trophy. #1. Yes that is a hand carved custom made Thor’s Hammer. #2. Yes, the name of our league is called 12 Males Fantasy Football. #3. YES- I did fuck up the years. It’s embarrassing, but I put the year of the Super Bowl champion as the winning year. Oh well, I’m a dipshit. #4. No, I haven’t gone and had last year’s champion put on the trophy yet. Okay so maybe I shouldn’t have shown you the trophy. But besides the incorrect years (seriously who cares) and my laziness of not putting last year’s champion on it, it’s a pretty dope dick trophy dontcha think?

Then last year I finished second in the division only to make the playoffs and lose to the lowest seed (because Gronk sat out) who would eventually go on to win the championship. So there is the history you didn’t ask for. Now I will proceed to tell you how this year went- there were some fireworks. Here is the roster I ultimately ended up with.

Yes. My team name is Frankie Fast Hands. It’s a nickname from college. Whatever, back to the roster. I had the 6th overall pick and was lucky enough have Kamara fall to me. He was my #4 big boarded pick behind Le’Veon, Antonio Brown, and Gurley. But the biggest shock of the draft was my second round pick (19 overall) with Melvin G. It gave me something I have never had- a loaded running back core. I normally go WR heavy, but this year the backs fell to me (see Royce Freeman in the flex) and I ran with it. My wideouts couldn’t be less exciting, really. I just went with safe picks on a good offense. It’s lame. But this years focus unexpectedly turned to the backs. In addition, arguably my number one pass catcher on the team is Kelce.

I’m big on the Saints this year, if you couldn’t tell (Brees, Kamara, Meredith). I would have taken their defense if they were still around. They are my sleeper Super Bowl pick.

Alshon hung around way later than he should have, so I had to jump on him after passing on him a few rounds. I know he is banged up, but he will be a clear cut number one when he’s back week 3 latest.

Quick notes:

• My worst pick was hands down Jeremy Hill. He’s like the third/fouth string Patriots back. I doubt he’s on the roster by the end of the year, but who knows in New England.
• My bench is weak, especially at wideout. Cameron Meredith hasn’t caught a pass all preseason and Mike Wallace is like 43 and a third stringer.
• I’m excited as all hell to see what Mahommes does this year.
• BOLD CLAIM: I think Breida will be the started in San Fran by years end.
• I also think Jordan Reed will have a much more productive year than years passed, his health is the biggest concern.
• **AUDIBLE GASPING** No Lions! I know, I’m a shit fan. But all the guys I would have taken (Tate, Stafford, Kerryon) were all reaches and they didn’t make sense to take at the time. You guys get it, there’s money, pride, and honor on the line here, you gotta do whats going to give you the best shot to win.

So that was probably more than anyone in the world would ever want to hear about my fantasy team, but for the 8 of you who made it to the bottom of this article, I appreciate you and wish you nothing but success in your 2018 fantasy endeavors. #forward 🍾

–Frank