My Overly Critical Review of ‘Paint The Ice’ at Joe Louis Arena
Last night (May 10th), fans (with a small donation to the Detroit Red Wings Foundation) were invited down to The Joe to “Paint the Ice!” A five-hour-long extravaganza to leave your personal mark on the ice surface of Joe Louis Arena. Now, I was personally invited to this event by my season ticket holding buddy and we both agreed that we had left more than enough personal marks in the bathroom located closest to section 217B, and did not need to attend “Paint the Ice!!”
It seems as if a few other arenas have done this “Paint the Ice!!!” event, and it’s great for the kids and creates a pretty decent buzz on social media. It’s all about the Insta-pics these days. So with that, I went on Instagram, searched common hashtags that were used during the event (#painttheice, #paintthejoe, #farewelltothejoe) and found some of the best (and worst) personal marks and now I’ll begin to unfairly scrutinize them.
Am I an artist? No. Do I paint? No. Do I possess any artistic ability whatsoever. Fuck no. I got a D+ in handwriting class back in 3rd grade. So what gives me the right and or credentials to offer any opinion on what these innocent people painted on the ice of Joe Louis Arena Wednesday evening?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing gives me the right. But fuck’it let’s make fun of some shit.
Let’s start with @garetgauthier.
Grade: D
Reasoning: Lazy. Lazy work here Garet. Hey I’m not looking for the Mona Lisa or a Walt Whitman-esque poem but sweet god at least speak English. “Thanks for the memories THE JOE.” Do you even have any memories there, Garet? If you did you would have just wrote JOE. And why is your name missing the extra R it needs? As I write this your name “Garet” is riddled with red squiggles. In addition, what number did you make Mr. I? Is that a 9? Is that a dual tribute to Gordie Howe and Mr. I? There is no theme to your personal mark. It’s just a bunch of generic Red Wings shit smashed together with your shitty name at the bottom.
Next up, @thefowlingwarehouse
Grade: B
Reasoning: The octopus looks solid and he’s wearing a nice red tee shi–SWEET GOD IS THAT A DICK?!? In the middle to the left side of the picture?? Holy Moses that HAS to be a dick. You knew there had to be a dick drawn out there. Give hundreds of people a writing utensil and an open canvas you’re going to get a dick or two. I bump this to a B+ strictly because the girl on the left has her hand squarely on that Hockeytown shaft.
On to @leahbarterian
Grade: B+
Reasoning: This one is so frustrating. Absolute A+ for creativity with the murrrrrdddddeerrrr scene of Claude Lemieux. Seriously, I love it. But I am having a brain aneurysm reading “GAME BESTIES FOEVER” over and over in my head. I can literally hear them zipping up their North Faces and sliding into their LuLu lemons as we speak. And I just know in my heart of hearts every time they attended a game together they couldn’t tell you who the fuck the Wings were playing but could 220% tell you how many likes their “bestie selfie at The Joe” got that night. Puke.
Next: @theillvisual
Grade: A
Reasoning: 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 YAAAASSSSSSS YES THEILLVISUAL YES. Use your voice! Make it heard! The only reason this didn’t get an A+ was because he merely proposes banning Mike Milbury. When I would like him to call for the killing of him. You knew a guy with a name like @theillvisual would use art to make a political statement, and boy did that hipster knock it out of the park.
Next: @seether_fan_howie
Grade: A for effort
Reasoning: A real wild card here. Pretty sure his name is Howie? But with loose cannon approach this dedicated Seether fan took to this personal mark we can never be sure. He pops off six Red Wing numbers with no consistency or theme, thanks the Joe, writes the Cup years then hits you with his trademark (?) logo at the end.
Next: @ceescolzin13
Grade: A
Reasoning: This is how dating is in 2017. This is how conversations get started, how people get laid and babies get made. Good for this girl just fucking going for it. Shooters shoot and @ceescolzin13 took a super loaded clap bomb from the hashmarks aiming for the middle of the eyes of Dylan Larkin. Full phone number. No shame. All pride. Lgrw.
Now for some quick hits:
You forgot the word like. And I know you know that but I’m telling you it woulda made the personal mark 220% better because it’s awkward that it reads “Crush Vlady.”
What in the fuck is going on here? Get the German flag and your Nazi cat off of my favorite ice surface please.
Kait you’re so lazy it stings my soul.
And the rest of these are actually pretty damn good.
A BONUS! From another rink somewhere in the NHL, I think it was Calgary:
#lgrw 🍾
– Frank
